A colleague at work (27m) of 1 year refuses to socialise with me (24f) or any of the women in our office?

[Anonymous]

Hi all I'm posting this on an alt because I know a few of my friends are following me on here and I don't want this spilling out until I have some clear thoughts on what I want to do.

TL, DR; A colleague (27m) joined our firm last year and since then he has had zero issues socialising with the guys we work with but always finds an excuse or says no to hanging out with the girls after work, even if we go out together as a whole he rarely talks to us and its making some of my friends uncomfortable.

So early last year our firm hired Dan (27M). In the first few weeks he was really quiet and didn't talk much and that's just how we thought he was. Every conversation with him was short and to the point and never deviated from work, asides from pleasantries (Have a nice weekend etc). About 2 months in he started becoming a bit more friendly with the guys in our office and they would hang out every so often and have normal conversations. However, whenever any of the girls in the office tried to do so he would quickly change the conversation back to work or just not reply. Even now after a year of Dan working with us he straight up refuses to socialise with the girls in the office and it is making them feel uncomfortable. He avoids any discussion of himself outside of work related events and future plans and doesn't ask any of the girls either. Where as he is, what I can only assume, pretty good friends with the guys in the office.

Even on work meals out to celebrate events he is only doing the bare minimum when it comes to conversation with the girls where again with the guys he talks to them like there is no problem whatsoever. I don't know if I'm overreacting but one of the girls is considering go to HR about this because she is saying its creating a hostile work environment. Dan treats us like he treats clients we work with; cordial and strictly about business and its wearing thin now.

Any advice is appreciated

[ManOnFire]

I know exactly why he's being this way, as I've also done the same thing once too. He is doing it to protect himself. Most likely because he had a bad experience with a woman/women on a job in his past before that lead to something troublesome.

He is not being cold or distant with you or the other females as intended malice, he is doing it to protect himself and his job. He is aware that a girl can complain about a guy to management simply for dropping a pen or tying his shoes, and he wants to make sure nothing he says or does is going to be something she will later on say "made her uncomfortable." Not only does he want to avoid drama with HR, but he also doesn't want gossip going around about something he did - or didn't do but is being blown up to be a big issue - that will give him an ugly image on the job. So I completely understand him, and if I were you I would find a way to try to talk to him lightly about everything I just said here. I guarantee you he will tell you exactly what I'm saying.

[Asker]

Thank you, I spoke with him privately, it helped.

[ManOnFire]

And he told you what I said, didn't he?

[Asker]

Yes, but I told him not all women are like that so he dont need to avoid us all

[ManOnFire]

Well, that's true. But once a guy goes through a bad experience on the job with a woman the first time, he will usually be guarded after that. Great to see this question because I'm actually going to post a Take that sort of relates to this issue.

[Rinak]

If he doesn't wants to interact with a bitch, why u trying to harass him, get a life bitch.

[Repeal19th]

This is what you women wanted you fucking bitch. If you get this guy fired you deserve to be shot dead

[KEEMFROMQUEENZ]

You sound like a stupid child that's mad that a kid won't play with you at the park!! If you don't take your thirsty attention seeking hore ass and your hore coworkers someone else with this bullshat!! Trying to cause problems for a man that's minding his business!! You women are entitled to dangerous level. This is SAD 😡🤬😡🤣😭🤣🫡

[SnowedIn]

So, @ManOnFire answer is PERFECT. Highlighted and double underlined.

I want to call out three things.

First, what is it the others are uncomfortable about? (That's a rhetorical question; don't answer it.) This is absurd. Think about this and extend it out: what are they going to do, go to HR and say, "Dan's not flirting with us"?

Second, bottom line: is Dan doing the job he was hired to do? If the answer is yes, then all of you need to go back to your desks and find something else to think and talk about.

Finally, you write, "Dan treats us like he treats clients we work with; cordial and strictly about business and its wearing thin now." Do you hear yourself? What is your expectation? He is cordial and business-like? Did you want him acting like he's in the movie The Wolf of Wall Street? As if he were in a frat house? Working for Harvey Weinstein?

So, again, my advice is for you to just work. Stop worrying about Dan.

[ManOnFire]

ALSO very well-put yourself, man. "Think about this and extend it out: what are they going to do, go to HR and say, "Dan's not flirting with us"?" - That was a little bit of my thought too, yeah.

[SnowedIn]

@ManOnFire ... thank you sir. Yeah, smh.

[TheTruthHurts123]

First of all, you or any female don't have a right to demand any attention from a guy especially at work. You and your friends are overreacting and reaching trying to get HR involve for the reason of "creating a hostile environment."

I can guarantee your coworker is attractive with qualities females like otherwise you and other females wouldn't give a flying f if it was an ugly dude.

If anything your male coworker should go to HR for sexual harassment from you and your female friends causing a "hostile environment."

[WTBmorezvifflemeyer]

Have you ever stopped to think that your constant attempts to talk to him make HIM uncomfortable? If a man was constantly hounding you, you would be shrieking "SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!!!" which is precisely what YOU are doing. Can't have it both ways. Do you want men to leave you alone or do you want them to treat you like everyone else?
I'm guessing you think he's hot, otherwise you wouldn't care if he refused to talk to you.
Constantly trying to engage him in conversation because you find him attractive, even when he shows ZERO interest IS THE EXACT BEHAVIOR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT FROM MEN!!
Stop being a fucking hypocrite. WOMEN created that "hostile work environment", not Dan. He's just doing EXACTLY what you women have been saying you want men to do for decades now. Or does that only apply to the unattractive ones?

[spartan55]

How is he creating a hostile work environment? It makes some coworkers uncomfortable? By only talking about work? Are you kidding me? He is not obligated to socialize with anyone in that office. HR will laugh that twit out of their office.

[Glen385]

If you ladies are about to get him in trouble with HR for being professional, I'd say he is doing exactly what he needs to do, as being friendly with you all will absolutely cost him his job in the long run. My advice is to mind your business, do your job, and treat him with the same courtesy and professionalism he is treating you.

[fimfirimfim]

This is quite toxic to force someone to interact with you.
If he is fullfilling all of the requirements to complete the job, is not obstructing progress of your own work and provides all of the input required from him, there is nothing bad with his attitude.
Imagine if someone would stayed around you regardless of the hints you are sending.
Dan (or whatever his real name is) set up healthy boundaries and you and your colleagues should respect them.

[Anemone978]

HR because he doesn't be friends with you? Really? he is allowed to do what he wants if he doesn't want to be friends with yous that's his choice... wtf?

[YellowCaseArtist]

You and your friends are creating a hostile environment by pursuing s social relationship with a coworker who is not interested. Leave the guy alone.

[Alienz]

Why are you so worried about it in the first place?

[slatyb]

Forget about it. He's done nothing wrong.