Answer quick‼️should I lie and pretend I didn’t mean to send to him?

[Anonymous]

So to make a long story short. I’ve been talking to this guy not long at all. I made an executive decision to give it up quite early. I was kind of feeling a lot of emotions about it. I cried after because I was concerned about him leaving me. I’m used to being ghosted (not related to sex but in general I guess) so I assumed he would never come around anymore after I did it. I’m working on myself just let me be. But anyway. I sent him a condescending message like “I knew u was gon do this it’s cool tho” and he replies as if I’m crazy. He sends a pic of him in bed and etc. I feel like he is slowly ghosting me but not saying anything. The thought came about because 1 he never told me when he made it home. 2 he didn’t text me til later the next day saying he’s been busy all day. And I feel that’s bullshit. Am I crazy? Should I tell him I didn’t mean to send the message to him?

[DaveJord]

Yeah, I honestly, I just want to say upfront. I do not know you personally and I am sure you are great person, just trying to do what you are saying here... work on yourself.

Now yeah, you might not be in a good place to be trying to date right now. I would seriously step away from dating and take some time to really focus on you for a while.

Texting is honestly the hardest part about dating these days. Like its super hard to find that perfect balance of texting just enough instead of too little or too much... and every woman is different.

So, any drama over text is a huge turn off. Once a woman goes there in text, RED FALGS start popping up. Thats the bottom line. And once a guy starts to get that feeling, and she is not saying or doing anything to make it easier... yes, they start to withdraw. The guy starts to do that math in his head is this woman worth maintaining contact with just for the hopes of sex, or is time to break contact and move on?

So honestly, to me as a guy that has done a lot of online dating... once you send a text like that to me... I am thinking this woman is not really offering me more. Like she is not in place mentally that she is ready to really be in an emotionally mature and intelligent relationship... and yes... you start to think is it even worth trying to pursue for sex or should I just end it now.

Now I didn't use to think that all... honestly, I did not. But like I said, I have dated a lot online, and I met a lot of women... and honestly, I have spent a lot of time on myself, and this where I land on this subject. I am more willing to pursue a woman these days just for sex, then I would have been just two years ago. And that comes as a result of the dating process and screwed up stuff that comes with dating.

So, to me, this guy is only hanging in the text trying to figure out if your worth the effect to just get laid. Because emotionally, you're not in the right place to offer more.

[Asker]

Yea but I just feel like something as intimate as sex should be handled with more care than it was or is. Like why not text me to let me know that things are okay. I just gave away myself to another person. But I. Admit that I should work on some things first before hoping into anything serious

[DaveJord]

Effort not effect... also one more note. As a guy that has done a lot of online dating... it's always best to let woman break up with you and allow her to believe she is the one rejecting you. Once the woman is convinced, she is the one rejecting you on her terms... break up goes so much smoother and easier. So that might be what's happening here... he is basically saying if want to hook up then let's do that, if not them break it off... you decide.

Once woman feels she is making the decision to reject you... she says what she says... and pretty much ghosts on you. And that is all you need or wanted her to do from the start.

[DaveJord]

I do not have the answer for this follow up reply. I honestly do not know I struggle with it myself personally. I mean I just spent a weekend in San Deigo with woman I had no chemistry with. Like we met online, we talked on the phone, texts face timed... I went down got a hotel. We hooked up the first night, and the chemistry for me was not there. I mean it was just not right for me. But I was there for two more days, and how mean would it be to just cut out on this woman after sex.

Other than the sex it was great weekend, but she was all about the sex and honestly it was not good for me... but we did it three times. After weekend she called, and I basically told her the chemistry didn't work for me. That if she wanted to come to visit me, we could hang out as freinds but I am not interested in me.

Do think that went over well, or that she didn't get pissed? But woman want honest and sincere men, right? Dating is hard, that's all there is to it. This was over a week ago and she texts me again a day or so ago wanting to talk more and discuss it. Like I just blocked her, completely ghosted.

I mean do I feel right about that, not really. But what the hell else was I supposed to do? Thats why dating is hard.

[Asker]

I mean it’s different because u communicated that you were no longer interested I think that takes away most of the sting personally. But she may not like rejection so I don't know. I do feel like after care should be taken

[Anonymous]

Honestly, yes you sound crazy. Like crazy that you need some help. If you knew this was going to happen then why is it bothering you so much? Even before that if you knew that would happen why did you even sleep w him?

[Asker]

Let me preface by stating I asked if our relationship would be casual or not. He said what did I want. I told him. He says if we “connect” in that way then he didn’t mind but he wouldn’t force it. To an over thinker/person with anxiety like me that leaves too much room for speculation. In my mind it’s like it’s it a yes but not a no so I could sleep with him and we have a relationship or he could ghost me. Knowingly I wasn’t fine with one of those options but hopeful for the other possibility I stupidly took the risk

[Anonymous]

Just a bit of advice, when you make your executive decisions to give it up, go into that situation making peace with the fact that he very well may ghost afterwards. Ask yourself if you can be ok with that, and if so then go on, but judging by your reaction, my guess is that the answer would be no.


You’re dealing with a lot of trauma from the past that I think you should heal before trying to be in a relationship or date a guy. Otherwise you will always wind up back in this position where you have a horrible insecurity of being ditched. It’s made even worse by the fact that it’s happened before. So instead of trying to double back on what you sent, don’t lie, just own it and look at the action in itself instead. Wanting to be loved by a man should never take priority over loving yourself and making sure you are good first and foremost.

[Asker]

I know Im in therapy now it’s just I’m rarely dating and it feels hard seeing all my friends have companionship and I’ve moved and seem to always can be alone now more than ever. I just thought that if he ghosted me at least he would know what I thought if it I guess. But thank you I did take your advice and tell the truth hopefully he won’t think I’m psycho

[Opinion Owner]

Never invalidate yourself or lessen your feelings to that of a psycho, let the gaslighting men do that lol. If anything, I’d feel like it shows you’re not emotionally ready to date, because so much comes with it. The dramas, highs and lows, that’s a lot to take on when you’re still trying to find yourself and get to a better place mentally. I totally understand feeling left behind or whatever when your friends are all getting into relationships, it can make you feel super lonely as they become more unavailable and excluded when you don’t have your own relationship to talk about as well. However, you have to remember that you are on nobody else’s time but god’s. Go at your own pace, work on yourself as a single woman before taking on a brand new relationship. You’re still healing, figuring out what sort of woman you are so that you can recognize what type of man you need. I was like a serial dater, never single, it was hard being alone and celibate for almost 3 years. But once I was ready to be back on the market and in a better headspace, everything changed. I was able to cut ties with the wrong matches easier than before, date smarter, it was just better having that break. I hope you consider doing the same thing if it doesn’t work with this guy.

[_Maya_]

You can't take it back unfortunately. That is a bit crazy to think he was ghosting you because he was busy the next day. I think people forget that early on in the relationship no one wants to be viewed as pushy or clingy so lots don't text right away on purpose. I get you had bad experiences in the past but you cannot paint all guys the same because of it. Just breath and cool down. Hopefully he isn't put off by the text.

[Asker]

Truee, i don’t want him to be put off by it either I was going to just say it was meant for someone else. I’m not really sure how to respond to it🤦🏾‍♀️

[_Maya_]

You can try but have a story made up in case he asks what it was in reference too. Also make sure that you don't jump the gun again on a text and then regret it or he will know you were lying about the first time.

[Asker]

Thank you for your insight🙂 gotta get through the embarrassment now

[_Maya_]

Lol good luck to you!!

[DaveJord]

@_maya_ this a =n excellent point.

Asker, like I said in my response... consider @_maya_ words and take that time to work on yourself. But do not be fooled into believe this guy, has it all figured out as well. I assure you he probably doesn't' have his shit together either. More time than not, it's safe to assume it may not have anything to do with you. maybe it has everything to do with him. I mean if he was Mr. Right, you would you have sent that text?

Just be opened minded and take that time to work on yourself and try the best you can to be as objective as possible about yourself with yourself.

[_Maya_]

@DaveJord I agree that most important thing is to learn from this. It sounds like the asker has realized that was not a great idea.

[Pohjolan]

You make it sound like you need professional help.

[Asker]

Well not that I don’t need a therapist but i think it was just a post period hormonal reaction. Im working on it

[spartan55]

Yes, you are crazy.

[aaron210419]

Word

[Asker]

Thanks for that insight guys