New boyfriend said to my friend ‘it’s going very well for now’ what does that mean?

[Finfin1981]

New relationship, seems to be going well at the moment not too much pressure but I’m a little nervous. Guy I’m seeing says he has a female friend in another state who he wants to see a few times a year and is very close to. He says he had feelings for her many years ago and whatever happens between us that will never change.. should I be concerned?

Updates

+1 y

He had romantic feelings for her and they speak a lot on the phone etc but nothing ever happened between them

Updates

+1 y

Also said in a text to her he loves their lifelong treasured relationship

[sage2021]

Personally, I don't ever think there is room for a third person in a romantic/love relationship.
Ever here the song "Just the two of us"?
It just never seems to work out when there are three. It's hard enough trying to keep a relationship period and by adding all of their feelings for each other in to your relationship is too much to ask of you. Are you just supposed to just sit there and let them do their thing and you should be ok with that? No! I'm sorry. I don't know what girl would say yes to being his girlfriend without it blowing up one day when she can't take him giving her sugar and what does she get? Nothing.

[Naruse]

It's up to you whether you feel you can trust them or not but personally I think I'd cut them some slack if they've been friends for years and nothing ever happened maybe they just get along well. I guess what complicates things is that he admitted to having romantic feelings for her but if this was something he was honest with you about then I wouldn't count that as a knock against him I'd appreciate that he put himself on the backfoot to inform me when he didn't have to. Maybe I'm not the right person to ask though I tend to be too trusting and give others the benefit of the doubt.

[lightbulb27]

He hasn’t learned the lessons to move forward yet.


It means ⚠️

[Finfin1981]

What do you mean? He hasn’t learned the lessons to move forward? Thank you

[lightbulb27]

Doesn't understand why there was connection/attraction in the first place and why it didn't go anywhere. Is she keeping him on a string? The one he didn't get he still snagged on?
Hasn't learned enough to let go of the "attachment" to the other women, so he can have a real woman/relationship (you).
Isn't willing to let go... because she has a grip on him... doesn't understand why
In general, needs emotional discovery and development and awareness. We don't see ourselves so clearly. You will see him clearly eventually and know if it's ok.

It's good that's up front with the attachment. Is there anyone else he wants to see 3 times a year?

You'll be stopping at a couples therapist, might as well look one up and start now... he won't know why. And as he has stated a boundary... he will fight to maintain it. You're in for a fight if you don't accept it.

Does it guarantee there is a problem? No. But is there a sign of a problem... e. g. where you don't get the control/security/love you require because some other chick has her hook in him... Yes.

And if he has to go see her on his own without you... is that a problem? Yes. Not ok.

Been there, done that. Gotta watch these 'itches.

I ask you this... how many married guys..."have to go see some other woman 3 times a year"? And why? That is the question for the therapist... what's the pull?

[Finfin1981]

Unless he does just genuinely like her as a friend?

[Finfin1981]

Thanks for your answer it really does make sense and is slightly concerning why he has already put the boundary there. He said in the past he’s had girlfriends who had a problem with it and weren’t happy about him visiting her

[lightbulb27]

He might. See how he communicates about you with her, keep communication open, phones are always available, calls you can participate in and together. those be your rules? you should be #1, no secrets. It's up to you how you feel about it.

[_Maya_]

It sounds like you are hesitant and maybe don't trust him with this other girl. That is going to be the main issue. If you feel that you can trust him and he hasn't given you a reason not to trust then it should be fine. It also depends on what kind of feelings he had. By the way he said those feelings will never change worry me a bit. That is indicating to me they were pretty strong feelings. If you have even a shred of doubt then move on.

[_Maya_]

Reading the update... I'd move on from this guy personally. You never know what might happen when they do see each other. Just because nothing happened in the past doesn't mean it won't in the future. Just my two cents.

[Finfin1981]

I also spied on the texts between them and they are very flirtatious lots of kissing emojis etc

[_Maya_]

Yeah not good. I would not tolerate that sorta thing myself.

[BoopBoopBeep]

If it's to the point that you're spying on his texts it's already over anyway.

[DizzyDesii]

That “for now” can certainly make a person doubt. Like sometimes i find myself saying “my current dude” instead of “my dude”. Which makes it sound like im gonna drop him at some point. So i understand the paranoia. I personally dont tryst opposite sex friendships if they used to be into one another. If it was strictly more brotherly-sisterly than i wouldn't worry

[exitseven]

He has been burned before and is cautious. Relationships are often awkward and messy. Getting two separate lives to end up on the same page is very complicated. We all bring our entire past into relationships. If he had a female friend it does not mean that he will be having a relationship with her. Be positive and see what happens is about all you can do ,

[Uby10000]

i'm sorry but i hate those type of signals. I don't think you should trust him that much on this, especially for how you wrote it up it really looks like he is trying to keep both of you...

[AviatorTom]

Concerned about what? He has honestly told you about her. You can either accept him, and her, or not. Your choice.

[Holsen]

If he’s being that open about it that shows courage and determination and also honesty so I would say you don’t need to worry about that !!

[caitycat21]

Lmao big red flag. He 100% wants the friend and will cheat on you with her or dump you the second she shows interest in him

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you want to be someone's second choice for the rest of your life?

[BLP11520]

Maybe, but some people remain friends after a break up. Not every relationship is cut and dried

[Finfin1981]

They were never together just good friends but he said he had strong feelings for her and always liked her and has never dropped contact with her

[BLP11520]

He might be thinking about more but it’s not enough to go on

[LiamJHayden]

It means he should have stopped before "for now."

[TheGuyYouCrave]

Its like he is holding low expectations, because of you or past relation. Few times a year... huh.

[007kingifrit]

well she's in another state he can't exactly leave for her? might be fine

[boggboss]

If u don't trust him sure

[boggboss]

With the added context and your snooping its clear he still likes this other girl so why are u with him

[Finfin1981]

I guess I was hoping I was just being paranoid !! Or maybe he will get yo like me more as he gets to know me as it’s me he is physical with and not her …
Another thing he said was his daughter loves this other friend and wanted to move to be closer to her which worried me a bit

[boggboss]

If u want to take the gamble go for it but I dont think anyone with self respect would be with a partner that flirts with someone else and has told u he will vist her in the year and your opinion on the matter is irrelavent

[boggboss]

Are u just burying your head in the sand and hoping he falls in love with u?

[Finfin1981]

Yes as I live close to him she doesn’t

[boggboss]

Lol again u are his back up option if it was possible he would be with her are u happy being his second choice?

[collie22]

Sounds like your in an open relationship.

[Maddy2002_]

Seems he like the relationship it’s going good.

[SUMAIREBRAHIM]

Let them do their thing