What do you do when you start having possible feelings for a long time friend?

[Anonymous]

I have a guy friend that I've known since all through high school. We're near and in our thirties now. A few years ago I went to visit him, and things were different. He gave me a million compliments, grabbed my butt when we were joking around, and started touching my legs while watching a movie in his bed. I went to sleep on his couch and he said he was kinda thinking I'd sleep with him in his bed. He pays for me often, hugs me from behind, and even asked me to an event with him. When I got home from this visit I tried bringing it up in a round about way and he got a bit weird and said we're just friends. Fast forward to recently and he's talking about getting dinner sometime when he's home, puts hearts on my messages, and tells me I can confide in him. For the last how many years I've only seen him in a platonic way. Now, I think I might have other feelings. I'd never want to ruin the friendship, it really means a lot to me. I also feel confused because I don't understand why he'd act that way and say we're just friends. What do I do? Any male input also appreciated.

[spartan55]

What did you say when you 'brought it up in a roundabout way?'

[Asker]

It was awhile ago so I don't fully remember. I was fresh out of a relationship which didn't help. I had a friend telling me to just flirt with him. I made an awkward attempt and started talking about our movie night we had. Then he said something along the lines of he kinda thinks we're just friends. We never talked about that weekend. Now we're still close, and even been talking more recently. He talks about staying in touch more, always wants to see me when he visits, wants to get dinner, and now he's even started putting hearts on my personal messages.

[spartan55]

You need to let him know you are interested (if you are)

[Asker]

I'm just afraid of ruining the friendship. I really value it. Wouldn't I just be setting myself up to fail? I also don't understand why he'd act that way but then say just friends.

[spartan55]

Why would that be setting yourself up to fail. He is saying 'friends' because wants to play it safe too.

[Asker]

Why do you think that? I've been super confused because his actions said otherwise, so when he said just friends it didn't make sense. I also didn't feel back then what I feel now.

[spartan55]

Right... his words aren't matching his actions. Dude likes you, go for it.

[Asker]

Why would he act that way and say we're just friends? I guess I just don't understand and I don't want him to feel like we already talked about this why am I bringing it up again. At the same time, I don't feel what he did was platonic, and I now don't know my own feelings.

[spartan55]

He probably just likes the thrill of flirting.
Have you had sex with him?

[spartan55]

You keep asking WHY WHY... ugh. I've explained why,

[Asker]

You're saying he's just playing it safe. I'm just curious what your reasoning is behind that? What makes you so sure? I've had a few opinions on here saying he's playing games, so your opinion is refreshing. I don't think he is, but I also can't make sense of it either.

[Asker]

We started talking about it a bit yesterday. I apologized for the way I acted and said I feel like that's when we got less close. He said it probably did affect the friendship but he feels enough time has gone by that we can leave it in the past. I'm not sure what that means. I feel terrible that our friendship was affected.

[spartan55]

I'm not following... what did you do? Your story is confusing.

[Asker]

At the time I thought awkward slight flirting was the best approach. I feel bad, and I feel like that whole trip changed our friendship. I don't quite understand his response, and I was also asking what makes you see it the way you do?

[spartan55]

What happened on that trip?

[Asker]

He gave a million compliments, asked me to an event, grabbed my butt and got touchy with my legs while watching a movie in his room, and even said he thought I'd sleep in his bed with him when I went to sleep on the couch. And also let me walk in on him on his underwear. We've always been close, but not like that.

[spartan55]

So why are you apologizing when he was making moves on you?

[Asker]

Because I was in a really weird place mentally from the relationship I had just ended, and I thought maybe I just took his actions the wrong way. I feel bad for flirting.

[spartan55]

Okay, you aren't making any sense. Why are you making it so difficult with this guy. If you like him go for it.

[Asker]

I'm not sure what isn't making sense. He acted that way on a trip, which was abnormal. Because he acted that way I decided, at that time, to try awkwardly flirting. I feel bad that it happened and now apologized, and he said it affected the friendship but it's in the past. Would that not mean he doesn't like me and I've already damaged the friendship?

[spartan55]

But why did you apologize? That's what doesn't make sense.

[Asker]

Because I thought maybe I took his actions the wrong way, and in doing so damaged the friendship.

[spartan55]

What do you mean took them the wrong way?

[Asker]

I felt like he was definitely flirting, but then I worried I took his actions the wrong way and maybe it was all just platonic.

[spartan55]

Grabbing your butt? Platonic? Wtf are you talking about.

[Asker]

I said I didn't think it seemed that way. But after he got all weird back then and said we're just friends, I haven't known what to think

[spartan55]

This is just exhausting. If you like him go for it. You are making this so ridiculously complicated.

[Asker]

How? I'm literally asking why you think I should go for it after he said just friends? And now that he said the things that happened probably affected the friendship but it's in the past?

[spartan55]

I already told you, he is saying that to cover himself..

[Asker]

Okay, that makes sense. So I guess my only other question is, do you think he's also talking about his actions when he says that visit probably did affect the friendship? I guess I felt like it was all me.

[spartan55]

You really take overthinking to a whole different level.

[Asker]

That didn't really answer my question. I know I overthink, I have anxiety/OCD. What helps me is talking about things and getting others perspectives because I know I can create things in my head.

[spartan55]

It seems you've done that a lot here.

[Asker]

I'm not sure why you feel the need to only comment to be rude. You're making rash assumptions about me and judging me instead of simply answering a question. Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

[spartan55]

Excuse me? How am I being rude? YOU said that you know you overthink, and I agreed. What am I judging you about? What rash assumptions am I making here? I don't expect to see answers to any of these fair questions. I have answered your question multiple times yet you claim I haven't..🙄

[Asker]

You keep making rude comments about how talking to me is exhausting, I take overthinking to a new level, etc. I wouldn't consider that polite, and now you just attacked me. You could've simply answered my follow up questions. All I asked was your reasoning for your opinion, which apparently is a difficult question.

[spartan55]

I didn't attack you, gimme a break already. Stating you are overthinking and are exhausting are observations that you have proven true. My reasoning? Why do you need that? How does that help you? What if there is none? Hmmm...

[Asker]

That literally makes no sense. I just asked why you think I should go for it when he said we're just friends. The whole situation is weird

[spartan55]

And I already told you him saying you are 'friends' is bullshit. Look at his actions. He said that so he doesn't make himself vulnerable. You just aren't

[Asker]

That was my last question. Why did he then also say that the trip when all this happened probably affected the friendship but it's in the past? Cuz I feel like that means it's my fault the friendship changed. And that it may never be the same.

[spartan55]

It may not be. Was that the last time you saw him?

[Asker]

No, but it's the last time I stayed with him. We've seen each other multiple times since then. The conversation about the friendship being affected was via text.

[spartan55]

Pro tip: don't have important discussions over text... it's usually a disaster.

[spartan55]

So do you think he was making a move on you that weekend? Did you shut him down?

[Asker]

That's actually a good tip, lol. I think he was at least flirting, but I've also read people wrong before. Or at least, I've been told I did. I was not receptive to any of it that weekend. I was just out of an abusive relationship and in a bad place mentally. And also super confused. I didn't want anyone making a move on me and had zero trust.

[spartan55]

Okay, now we are getting somewhere. He felt rejected that's why he keeps saying 'friends'.

[Asker]

See, and then immediately after I got back I was still feeling confused and reached out to a gal friend. I was trying to make heads from tails because he's never acted like that our entire friendship. She suggested to just try flirting and see what happens. I wasn't even positive how I felt or that I was ready tet, but it also seemed exciting. That's when I tried very subtle flirting, and that's when he said we're just friends. Hopefully that also adds some clarity.

[spartan55]

I don't think he picked up on your subtle flirting.

[spartan55]

Was their alcohol involved when he grabbed your ass that time?

[Asker]

I don't think so. There was during one stay and not the other. But there wasn't alcohol all weekend long.

[Anonymous]

Suppress it. If it's bad enough I end the friendship.

[Asker]

Why did he act that way?

[RedInnocent68]

Have sex and see if the feelings stick?

[Asker]

What's your opinion on his actions? I'm honestly a little lost.

[RedInnocent68]

He wants to be more. If you’re 8ntetested, give it a go. Honestly, it couldn’t be much clearer. Not sure why you’re being such a numpty about it?

[Asker]

After it happened the first time I brought it up in a round about way over text and he got all weird and said we're just friends. I don't understand that. His actions didn't seem platonic.

[RedInnocent68]

He’s scared, and didn’t want you to be scared off. Just take it slow, and see if anything is there. If you thought enough to say it didn’t seem platonic, it almost certainly wasn’t. This ‘smash or pass’ hook up culture isn’t the way relationships are supposed to happen…

[Asker]

See, we've never had an actual discussion about it. I haven't stayed with him since then either. My only attempt at bringing it up was a failed attempt at talking flirty about our movie night. Him getting all weird and saying just friends confused me so I just dropped it. I was also newly single and not in a good head space. Now, I'm actually curious about it but I have no idea what he'd think.

[RedInnocent68]

Not sure it needs to be an actual discussion. Next time you’re out, what would happen if you started to hold hands?

[Asker]

We're hanging out in about a month. I just feel a little off about it. I don't know if I even should hangout with him if I can't honestly say it's with platonic intent.

[RedInnocent68]

I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s not platonic for you. Okay to be a bit playful and test. If I doesn’t reciprocate, you’re not losing much. It’s not like you have to see him everyday.

[Daffotul]

playing games move on and stay just friends see if he gets jealous

[Daffotul]

he's playing games I meant

[Daffotul]

tell them and see what happens

[Asker]

Isn't that setting myself up for failure and likely going to ruin the friendship? We had one sorta conversation when the incident at his place happened. He got all weird and said something along the lines of we're just friends.

[Daffotul]

oh okay then leave it be sorry

[Danny_dan92]

Yikes… bad day