Why won’t he communicate further?

[Anonymous]

A man with Asperger’s that I’ve known for years recently got back in touch, joked about marriage and then later admitted to being in love and wanting a romantic relationship with me. Since I asked him out, he seems to have ceased contact. Could he have just wanted to let me know that he loves me back; and wants me, even if he isn’t capable of having a romantic relationship? A few years ago, he said he wanted to be with me, but he can’t bear to be intimately touched because of his Asperger’s sensory issues; and said there’s no point in us dating. We’ve both got Asperger’s, but mine and my communication and sensory issues are only mild. So I’m confused.

Updates

+1 y

Could he have been just expressing his feelings, no more, no less?

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm that's a tricky situation. With you both having Asperger's, communication can definitely be complicated sometimes. A few thoughts on why he might not be responding much now:

- Admitting his feelings was probably really hard for him. Now that it's out there, he could be feeling super awkward and withdrawing as a way to cope. Guys with Asperger's sometimes shut down when emotions get intense.

- He may have been being honest about not being able to do intimacy due to sensory issues. Even if he likes you, he knows a relationship would be really challenging. Easier to not engage than deal with that.

- Possibility he got scared about the responsibility of a relationship after letting his guard down. Opening up can be terrifying!

I'd say give him some space for now. Let him know you care about the friendship most, and don't want things to be weird. In time he may come around to chatting more. Just keep communication simple and low-pressure if/when he does. Trying to force it could cause bigger withdrawal. Hang in there - with patience and understanding, maybe there's still a chance. Just take it slow.

[Asker]

Which do you think is most likely?

[Oliverlogan263]

If I had to guess, I'd say the most likely reason he's stopped communicating is because he got overwhelmed by the change in your relationship. Even though you both have Asperger's, every person experiences it differently.

It seems like opening up about his feelings for you was probably really hard for him to do. And then with you asking him out, that's a whole new level of intimacy and expectations. As much as he might care about you, that kind of escalation in a relationship is really difficult for a lot of guys on the spectrum.

My suspicion is he just got so anxious and overstimulated that he kind of shut down as a way to cope. Retreating and avoiding further communication is unfortunately common response. It's not that he doesn't have feelings for you - I think he absolutely does. But managing relationships, emotions, all that social stuff is exhausting when your brain works a bit differently.

If I were you, I'd give him some space for now without any pressure. Maybe check in with him casually in a little while to let him know you understand and care without demanding anything more from him. With time and patience, he may feel comfortable opening back up. But don't take his disappearing act personally - it's more about his own struggle than how he feels about you. Just my thoughts, anyway! Hope things work out.

[Asker]

I told him to reach out when he’s ready. He sent me an online game to play, then just said a few words and disappeared again.

[Asker]

I think that’s my answer, is it? That he can’t cope with more, but wanted me to know he cares but can’t cope and wants to be online web pals?

[Oliverlogan263]

Yes, I think sending the game and a brief message is his way of showing he cares but can't handle direct communication right now. It seems like a cautious attempt at connecting without putting too much pressure on himself.

The online "web pals" approach is probably the closest level of interaction he's able to manage at the moment while still processing things. Sending the game is a thoughtful gesture, even if he couldn't sustain conversation. It shows he was thinking of you.

My read on it is that he does care deeply but is maxed out in his capacity for intimacy. Maintaining distant yet friendly contact through small online exchanges like sharing a game is all he has bandwidth for presently. I think you interpreted his message correctly - he wants you in his life in some limited way, just not a fully committed romantic relationship.

It can be disappointing, but please don't take it personally. His condition truly does impact what he's able to handle. By responding gently when he reaches out, even if infrequent, you allow the caring connection to continue without demands. Over time as he feels safer, more may be possible. For now, online pals seems the healthiest approach. Does this help explain where he's at?

[Asker]

Yes, it helps a lot. Thanks 😊

[Oliverlogan263]

My pleasure 😊