Guys, why break up with your girlfriend to focus on business? Isn’t it counterproductive?

[Carmen96]

My ex broke up with me last night and his reason was because “he wants to focus on his business and felt that I was weighing him down.”

His is very entrepreneurial like and I’ve been very supporting of it. I could’ve maybe been more supportive of it in some ways, but I felt like he needed to tell me what he needed for me to support him.

Updates

1 mo

I should also mention that we have been together for nearly 4 years and we have been living together. We didn’t have a bad relationship.

I talked to his best friend about it and he said that my ex has tunnel syndrome where he can only see what’s in front of him hence he thinks that if he dumps me, he can focus on work.

[DoggyDude]

Short answer, no I personally wouldn't break up with a partner to focus on business (though I might reevaluate a relationship where having that relationship felt to be interfering with me persuing my wider dreams; Though only if the relationship was not 'fixable' meaning I couldn't bring my partner in to share my dreams, at the same time as supporting hers.

Have you been reasonably asking for spending a good amount of time in his company outside his work? (I'd guess maybe you have, and it wouldn't be unreasonable but might prove incompatible)

So, my first thoughts are, this feels like a crappy excuse to have a less stressful split up (sorry, that's my first thoughts, but next I will analyise those and see if there's exceptions).

So, next I considered, giving the guy the best benefit of the doubt, and imagining myself in his shoes; If I had a partner that wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but when we where spending time together complained if I didn't apply all my attention to her (or do something with her explicitly) I wouldn't be able to get any of my personal projects/goals done outside of my 9-5 job. I personally tend to work on a lot of side projects outside work in a hope to get something off the ground that can give me an escape from my very tedious and pointless day job (which pays the bills, but kills the soul). So, if I was coming home to a partner with whom felt that me working on those projects during 'our' time was considered some kind slight or failed to reflect wanting her, or she was, in her idea, encouraging me not to overwork (and therefore setting up things to help me 'relax', aka stop working). Then over time, I might end up in a position where I realised I wasn't able to persue my dreams in her company, and unless I loved her so very much as to that not being important I'd step away (but I'd try to solve things first, if I couldn't solve them or felt I couldn't I would end the relationship, assuming its just dating).

So, that said... I think the first answer is more applicable, and her's how I reason. The girl I love, when I'm with her, it feels special and I feel like whatever we do doesn't matter (that I'm in the right place) so this tends to lessen any desire to not be with her, on top of that, she's inredibly supportive of my own time (though in fairness, ther may be complex reasons she's able to understand [and has reasons to want not to sour stuff], but the important part for sharing here is that I never feel like finding time with her is counter productive [or gets in the way of my goals], and can always find time to persue my dreams, etc, and usually we can dream together). So, that might bias me, but at the end of the day, I don't feel I would ever turn down time with someone I was in love with to persue a business (I'd work out a way to include her and help her to understand what I needed to do, and it would go both ways).

So ultimately, I think, it sounds like an excuse, but in fairness to being possibly wrong it might just be this man is looking for a partner that fits into his dreams and his dreams are of running a successful business so he might find a better match in another.

[Carmen96]

Thank you for giving me an insightful answer! I actually don’t ask him to even out his time. The only time I brought something up was this week at the gym. We would work out together and he had to take a call. I was a bit bothered (I’ll explain why) and I told him after he was done on the call that if it was his colleague (I don’t like his colleague) and he said no and that he hired a new guy (which he failed to tell me.) and I was like “oh ok, that’s fine” and just told him that because one of this goals this year was for us to get fit together, that the gym time is our time otherwise, why are we even working out together if we can’t be present with the other. I don’t ask for his time much other than that. I let him work past bed time, I let him go on his business trips and I don’t complain.

I can see that he may think that I want more of his time, but I never asked that of him and feel like he could’ve communicated with me a bit more on that side. Like if he sat me down and was like “hey baby. I need your support and I need to focus on this for the next 3-6 months.” I would want him to tell me how I can support him and how I could help him. I feel like when I have a talk with him, I should brief on that cuz I do think, since you mentioned it, that’s what he may feel.

But I also feel that because now he is alone in our big townhouse and there is no one to help him, maybe he will see that it’s counterproductive. Cuz like i said, I really want to help him on his dreams.

I was planning on talking about this with him tomorrow.

[Carmen96]

I should add in that he tried breaking up with me in January. I asked him what was wrong and he said he felt like we weren’t a good match. I told him that I don’t think that’s true, which I genuinely feel so. We made our 5 year plan and we agreed on stuff. We were working it out and everything was going well. I just feel like he failed to tell me what he needed from me, cuz if he can’t communicate with me, how can I help him.

Another thing I noticed was that in January and recently he went on business trips with his colleague (this guy whom I don’t like and his friends feel the same). His best friend told me that he gets tunnel syndrome and maybe also that a cause, but you can let me know what you think.

[DoggyDude]

Okay, I understand, but I've noted something that I've personally run into problems with with friends of mine (and helping you understand might aid here).

So, I had a friend Simon who I'd know for many years; He met his current partner and got into a very serious romance, his current partner has 3 children already by a previous failed marriage (and was, quite fairly concerned about stability for her children if she started a new relationship). That was all fair enough, and I am on board with such consideration. The problem was, her chosen way of dealing with these complexities regarding Simon was to first act very supportive of him, encouraging to invite around all his important friends to meet her (good idea); However, what it transpired is, that what she was ACTUALLY doing was inviting all his friend round, assessing quietly how likely it was they thought she and Simon where "simply made for one another" and any friend thought to do anything but blindly support that idea, she was carefult to cirticise (to Simon) and first try discouraging him spending time with them, and if this didn't work, keep him very VERY busy with her own friends who she could absolutely trust to do this. Now, Simon very much loved her and she had no need to do this, but she did it anyway and it was obvious she was doing this as all Simons objective friends who would neither encourage or discourage, only ask critical question and knowing their friend comment on their responses where systematically weeded out of Simons life (though in fairness, again, she didn't need to do this and Simon was more than happy to do whatever to make her happy, he's a good man).

[DoggyDude]

Now, if a guy has had knowledge of this type of attempt to curate their chosen group of friends by a partner, or the find the people they get on most their partner is highly critical of, this becomes an issue. Sometimes, in a good relationship (which I presume you have because its fair and reasonable as you appear a good person asking a legit question) might still question a friend who they perceive doesn't have their partners best interests at heart.

Short ending is, the right way to manage that is to talk to him about the person, share what worries you, then respect his choice (whatever it is) and support it, regardless of your worries. That shows love and sometimes even good people fall into the trap of feeling they are being loving by trying to weed bad people out of their partners life. Not saying your doing that, but the perception might be important if maybe your partner is worried your taking offence at a business connection as often business connections aren't necessarily the best people.

Good luck ^^

[Carmen96]

Thank you!

Yeah, like I said I’m very supportive and I have his best interests at heart.
Yes, I don’t like his colleague and like I said I’m not the only one who feels the same and I’m not the only person who was trying to warn him.
His colleague tried to rip my ex off a couple of times and that shows that he isn’t a good friend and doesn’t have my exs best interests. He only uses him to achieve his own goals.
That said, my ex may be doing the same with him, but I feel he is more fair with him.

His friends feel the same, as I called 3 of them and they all don’t like this guy. All his friends also like me, I gave them no reason to hate me and vice versa. I just don’t like this one guy because of his habit of screwing over his friends for money.

When I left the townhouse, he did say it wasn’t because of his colleague, so I think he may think that I want more of his time, which I never asked of him and I think when I talk to him, I’ll bring it up.

I’ll see when I talk to him tomorrow for sure. I wrote down how I feel that he may think I’m not being supportive as much as I should’ve been but he also didn’t communicate with me what type of support he needed nor was very open to how he was feeling.

[DoggyDude]

Smile. Sounds like he'd be an idiot not to realise that your relationship together on his business future. Reasuring him of that should fix it, assuming its a misunderstanding of some sort.

Best of luck! Pleasure to chat to you, I enjoyed your objective review of things, I am sure you'll work it out (and if it doesn't work out, you can be glad to know it's his problem :)).

[Carmen96]

Hi! Just wanted to update you that we talked and he decided to stick with the breakup. He said he wants a partner who is also a programmer like him who he can build a business with so he can talk code. He said that he felt like he couldn’t talk to me because I couldn’t relate to that

[DoggyDude]

Thanks for the update; I can't personally comprehend his position (as stated), so I'm inclined to label him as making an excuses (though, obviously maybe thats unfair). The idea of picking a partner based on what type of work I do, to me, seems very weird, so for that reason I am guessing/feeling he just doesn't want to say whatever his real reaons are.

Sounds like your best away from them; I mean imgaine if you woke up in many years time to have someone say "you know, the reason I love you is because you share my job" lol. You'd always just be a "part of his business" vs an equal, presuming he's not just making a lame excuse.

Still, hppe ypur not too bummed here ^^.

[Carmen96]

Yeah, I get what you mean.

Well he has idolised social media power couples in his head (particularly with the Hormozis - Leila and Alex Hormozi) so he means he wants that type of dynamic, which is true, shouldn’t matter if you really love and care about a person.

But also to be fair to him, I am his first relationship, so he probably thinks the grass is greener on the other side, especially seeing his colleague trying to find an ideal partner.

I told him that I will give him space and we will see what happens. I think he may just need to explore and to see it for himself.

Thank you for your concern!

[JesseP1nk]

Were you his sunshine or were you just another thing he had the "handle" when he got home from work?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ji893X7bmpo

[Carmen96]

lol I did my best to be supportive.

[slatyb]

Pay no attention to the reasons given for a breakup. People will say anything to get the other person to leave quietly.

[MrZameer]

Wtf,
He broke up with you just for concentrate on his business. So bad guy.

[Dreamclouds]

Neah reason was different a man never does this