Does a father feel the same level of anguish as the mother if their child is having a major surgery?

[Anonymous]

My parents only have two children (I'm their first child, then is my younger brother) and way back in 2019 at the age of 32, I had a stomach tumor extracted. My blood count was below 10 (it was 8.00) and when the surgery ended, it was barely at 5.

That tumor has been there for 4-5 years and it was causing massive blood loss. It took a while for another doctor to find out where the problem was. That could've claimed my life. My mother was restless and during the whole surgery, her eyes were swollen from crying so much. My father was calmed (even stoic) during the whole ordeal. Once it was over, my father calmly explained the surgery was successful, that I just needed a blood transfusion because I had lost a lot of blood but the problem is solved.

This anguish of seeing me pale, sick for years and losing blood (unable to do normal activities) and lastly sitting at the waiting room (nervous about how the surgery would go) left my mother with after effects. She suffers from high cholesterol, a bit of PTSD and tachycardia as a result of all that emotional stress. Even though I've never seen my father crying nor show signs of anxiety during that whole time, my mother claimed to have seen him nervous a couple times but then kept a straight face (as if he was hiding it) or he would step outside by himself.

Given how terrifying this was to my mother (for her that was her worst trauma, worst day of her life), did my father feel that same level of anguish too? Her same emotions, pain?

[sheikalana]

I believe so. Men are just better at hiding their emotions/anxiety.

[Asker]

yeah during yesterday's reunion for Mother's Day (I visited grandma), my father finally admitted to being nervous at the time and that it was a total nightmare for him. He just had to be strong for the family and was trying hard to not break down. He was strong on the outside for processing all internally. He had the same level of anguish but just didn't show it.. wow.

[sheikalana]

Sometimes I wish I could be like that too.

[Anonymous]

I think its how you frame the event in your mind. Some people take a major surgery and think only of the things that could go wrong and cascade down the negative spiral. Others do the opposite fixating on positives like happy potential future memories with the person.

You should know that everyone feels anguish if it turns bad nobody is except from sadness regardless of how they mask it.

[Anonymous]

Men have to hold it together for their families

[Asker]

Indeed. We all just spoke briefly about that topic yesterday with the family. He finally admitted to being nervous during that whole time, that it was a total nightmare but had to be strong for us.
So yeah he was strong on the outside but feeling the same level of anguish internally.