How do I explain him to comfort me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend only comforts me during a crying session if he feels like my crying is justified. He said if I fuck up his brain, it doesn't feel right for him to hug me. These examples are fictional, but it goes like this ->

If he cals me stupid and I immediately start crying, he rushes to hug me.

If he calls me stupid and I take 15 minutes explaining why it was not right and then I start crying, be feels like I was purposefully making him mad and he doesn't feel like comforting me.

Again, these are fictional examples, but this is the process. I explained to him that he should also care for me when he is mad too, which he replied to by saying he does care, he just feels like that crying is not justified and he can't get himself to comfort me when I nagged him.

Since I like to discuss every mistake we make, he usually feels like I nag him and for this reason, out of 10 times he only hugs me on 1 time.

He is 25, I am 24. Been together just past the 4 year mark

[bobalife]

It’s not cool how every guy here seemed to dismissed the fact your boyfriend calls you stupid and is not emotionally supportive. Nothing is wrong with you feeling sensitive or hurt in anyway. The problem is that you are NOT feeling seen, heard, nor comforted as you stated in your question about asking about comfort. I think this fella has to go asap, he is just emotionally too immature and not really respectful of you. Who wants to be with someone who name calls them and not feel heard? It’s a horrible feeling.

[bobalife]

And Tbf asker when you are starting to defend your partner’s bad behaviors also shows it is a pretty unhealthy relationship to not recognize his bad treatment towards you and defending his bad treatment because you care about him. I hope you reflect upon how this guy and relationship makes you feel. We can not ask someone to comfort us constantly if they do not want to nor respect us. You will only continue to feel not heard and be more hurt. Best of luck, please make the best decision for your future and less pain.

[Asker]

I specifically stated that he never called me stupid, that was a random fictional example. Since everyone keeps replying to that nonexistent example, I dont really get a true reply

[ceren27]

Honestly you sound like you’re a handful. When you say we discuss every mistake “we” make, more than likely it’s every mistake that you think he makes. Then he has to listen to how it hurt your feelings. You sound like you’re really sensitive.

[Asker]

I am. Then how do I tell him when he did something stupid

[Anonymous]

Honestly you sound like you’re a handful. When you say we discuss every mistake “we” make, more than likely it’s every mistake that you think he makes. Then he has to listen to how it hurt your feelings. You sound like you’re really sensitive.

[Asker]

I am. So what is your advice?

[Opinion Owner]

Try not to be so sensitive. I know that’s easier said than done cause I’m not a female so I don’t know what the female experience is like. My emotions don’t usually get a hold of me when it comes to being logical. I’d say talk to him w out trying to put it all on him like it’s all his fault. You have to try understand each others views. I’m not saying apologizing for your feelings, just try to explain it to him w out blaming him for how you feel all the time. This is something you have in you personally, whatever brought about these insecurities that it’s extreme like this. You need to figure out where that comes from. In all honesty this could cause him to breakup w you.

[Asker]

Thank you!!

[spartan55]

I would highly recommend you reduce the nagging signifantly. Guys can only take so much of that shit. You should learn to choose your battles and not nag about everything.

[Asker]

But then what should I do when he does something and doesn't understand the problem for the first time?

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Being called dumb once would be the end for me. He's making you cry far too often and him often trying to turn it around and make it about him like he's the victim tells me he's probably not a guy you want to be with long term. It sounds like his behavior isn't going to change so I'd re-think the future with this guy.

[Asker]

That was a random example. He didn't call ne dumb. And I cry a lot about everything, so its fairly easy to make me cry

[jshm2]

Yeah, you're fucking up his brain and he should get you a psychologist, not a hug.

[Asker]

Yeah then how do I communicate the problems?

[SotiCoto]

You're being pathetic. Stop trying to emotionally manipulate him.

[Asker]

I dont. Im just sensitive

[Anonymous]

He's a honeymooner creating the situation. Feeding off makeups. Women do it too. It's manipulative and controlling. You don't hurt people you care about, 1. 2, dysfunctional.

[Asker]

I dont believe we dont hurt people we care about. Most people are dysfunctional and can't control their anger.

[Opinion Owner]

Eh, at some point in time, we're dysfunctional. OK. Sounds like the honeymoon phase. If you don't figure a way out of it, then dysfunctional will end in dysfunctional. Dysfunctional isn't a state of mind, but an end.

[Opinion Owner]

And every end has a beginning. Just imagine a world where this, isn't an issue. And you are happy with a person not looping around, creating the same mistakes over and over, making up just to put you back down. There's no perfect relationship, but really you can/will find a man who respects you.