True or false: men rarely get positive reinforcement once they hit adulthood?

[blueonblack22]

We are taught to man up which is overall a very good in my opinion. It has to do with taking accountability for our actions and enduring tough times to the best of our ability. It’s also about doing what works and solving problems. Being self reliant.

However any proud man will tell you that looking for approval, compliments or worst of all sympathy looks pathetic.

There is also something about getting approval, compliments or even sympathy (at the appropriate time) that makes it much more genuine when we are not looking for it or even trying to avoid it.

Anyway just because we don’t ask for those things doesn’t mean we don’t need it.

True

False

Updates

+1 y

A lot people really misread what I was trying to say hear. I mean really f*cking misread it.

I don’t want a pity party nor do most other men. But positive reinforcement is about noticing a man who is dealing with his bullshit as best as he can but we all know he’s torn up on in the inside. It’s just saying “hey I know it’s tough but I am proud of you. I respect you.” It’s not about going homo and giving men hugs while you cry together or some bs.

Updates

+1 y

I should also add that “positive reinforcement” INCLUDES constructive criticism and tough love. Men actually welcome that at the right time. If we f*cking up we want to be told about it. But we need to be told in a way where we know the other person is really try to help us vs. just getting off on tearing us down. You can tell if the person delivering the criticism is also complimenting about what we are doing right.

[Flatmanlewis]

Some people didn’t understand the nuance of your question. I get what you’re asking.


It’s true. Positive reinforcement is a rarity for the typical man. Unless you are lucky enough to work in a field in which immediate results are recognized and commended (when up to standard, or exceeds a set standard) then maybe you receive some positive reinforcement.


Yet, in its own way a man who is succeeding in life needs to tap into that part of him that is self-actualized and self-motivated. Does this mean men don’t deserve more credit than they receive? No. Not even close to that. Men RARELY get the recognition they deserve.


I get what your saying though. It would be nice, as a provider and protector, to know your kids see how hard you’re working for their comfort and sustenance, education, or comfort. That your wife acknowledges your efforts for her and your family. That your parents are proud of the man you have become.


I get what you’re saying.

[blueonblack22]

Thank you. Several guys got all hung up on the part about “if your friend is having a hard time give him a hug”. As if men should be comforted the same way women are comforted. That’s NOT the point I was trying to make.

Also I know how squeamish and embarrassing it is when a woman tries to comfort me the same way she would comfort another woman when I’m going through a hard time. Makes me feel like I’m walking around with a “help me” sign on my back which we both know is pathetic for a man.

Although she means well it’s emasculating (on more rare occasions men can act that way). But that is NOT what I am talking about. Positive reinforcement includes constructive criticism which is often welcomed by men IF we know the other person puts the mental effort into understanding our situation.

[Flatmanlewis]

Personally I think guys who are a little insecure have to pretend to be tough guys all the time. The baddest dudes I’ve ever known were some of the more sincere and caring I had ever met. SpecOps guys or career SEALs When people may die at your job you tend to be a lot more authentic and real than a dude making furniture or selling cars.

[blueonblack22]

I am a former pro mma fighter. I can tell you for a fact that most guys who do that are more humble. The ones you here about (Conor mcgregor) might act like Dbags. But that’s rare because you are expected to back it up.

But there are so much faux “tough” guys out there. Most of them couldn’t last 30 seconds in a real situation.

[Flatmanlewis]

100% true. The more you see of life and the more you do the more you realize how life can break any man. You become humble, respectful of the earth shattering power of things beyond your control, and grateful for life you have the more you understand - fake tough and pretend macho is pointless. No matter how bad ass a man thinks he is something out there is stronger. REAL strong men get that and true tough guys respect their limits and, while always pushing them, understand tombstone courage is not tough. They tend to be more aware of the frailty of life and appreciate it, and support their brothers, as they too know they may very well be the one seeking support one day.

[blueonblack22]

@Flatmanlewis well said.

[Flatmanlewis]

Thank you.

[exitseven]

It is true. The only feedback you ever get is if you screw up. Then its all bad.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[molonski2]

The answer is absolutely and positively ( pardon the pun ) true.

I've seen this happen over many many years and particularly in my birth country ( Australia ) self deification is common , but only among males , so lets think about this. Why is that considered this wonderful trait? I know in my case , I had to actually concentrate to stop it , I think in general , speaking very generally USA men are much more apt at dealing with a positive affirmation.

Men , are supposed to go though life working to " the reverse of a negative " and that is near impossible , a common denominator with most successful men , is they had the support of a strong , extremely supportive mother.

The vast majority of input , from other males , business , colleagues is often negative , this wears someone down over time , you can't even admire your own body and what you've achieved or even that of another male ( while not being same sex ) without some form of negative connotation.

I believe in general , and throughout most of life , men get little or no positive reinforcement.

Lets take an example of a prominent Australian , golfer Greg Norman , why did he succeed? Highly skilled obviously , worked the skill to the elite , adored by his mother ( put down by his father ) so always chasing his fathers approval , hated in Australia for the most part because seen as arrogant , constantly put down , this guy has made more than $500 mill US , and genuinely started with nothing much , just some love , today he gets put down because they might not like LIV , then put down for posing because he has an absolutely incredible body , incredible ! So what gets the focus? All of the negatives , few of the positives.

Men , just like women , need to be commended and supported , and also need to receive positive reinforcement , affirmation , at every stage of life , and it just does not happen.

[blueonblack22]

I think there is (mostly false) belief that if men get positive reinforcement they might get lazy and not fight harder OR they will get egotistical. Also praising another man too much could of come as “submitting” to him or even “homo”.

Some men do better when under duress. But that doesn’t mean positive reinforcement isn’t necessary. But also don’t ask for it and even avoid it.

I personally got a lot go positive reinforcement from my father growing up but very little from my mother. I remember her saying one time “your father is a good man but don’t tell him I said that”. As I got older I resented her more and more for that bullshit “I got to keep the man in check” attitude. She intentionally didn’t want him to have any ego.

[molonski2]

@blueonblack22
OMG , despite the massive difference in our ages , you just described my mother to a T.
I was never encouraged , despite doing a number of things really well , I also came to resent her , moreso after she passed and I could sit down and think about all the things she did to me.

I tried to always be the exact opposite with my 2 girls , although I will say , she played the grandmother role well with them because last 2 grand kids , and I'm youngest of 5 .

Agree with all you say , and glad your father was positive.

[blueonblack22]

Exact same dynamic here. I noticed my mother is very sweet to my nephews and nieces. But she was only “happy” when everything was going the exact way she wanted to her expectations when the man was making decent money working hard and had all the material possessions (house, nice car, etc).. Even then it was “to be expected” since me are supposed to just magically be able to do that like it’s effortless or something.

My mother was very beautiful and was used to being treated special just for existing when she hit adulthood. She was absolutely showered by positive reinforcement from my dad and others constantly. She demanded it.

She was the oldest in the family and she didn’t have any older brothers she had to watch deal with issues. She also watched my grandmother have zero appreciation for my late grandfather. Bad role model on that. Rare bad role model too because this was going on in the 50s.

Again this isn’t about “pampering” men. No. But it’s having respect about what they go through. And respect is about putting the mental effort to appreciate what they have to deal with.

[provokeesmokee]

True.

I have many important male friends in my life and a sad reality for them is that they RARELY get a solid genuine compliment. Nevermind regular reinforcement.

To the point that they try to treat their own sexual assaults as no big deal when they still struggle with trauma from it.

It is a big reason why I also am so diligent with providing the men in my life with that positive reinforcement. When they do something kind for themselves or others, I'll name and praise that. When they do something kind and gentle for me, I name and praise. When they stand up for themselves and their values, I name and praise that and encourage them to keep their own safety in mind as well.

I take pride in my men. I've managed to find a handful of good ones, and I want to be there to support them throughout their lives.

[strateguy632]

true and almost none when younger too. admittedly i rarely GIVE compliments, in person, but here i give a like if they desrve it!

[blueonblack22]

Yeah I rarely give compliments myself. I used to more often when I was younger. But I was straying in “nice guy” territory.

But if a guy is struggling with something I do feel a sense of empathy on that (as long as he isn’t that way all the time). I will be there to listen to him and give him supportive advice.

[Litoidiotalltalk]

Yea I’m a model and the real deal bikini etc Top
Companies was asked to work for brazzers…. I get tons too many compliments and very vulgar worded letters from NFL players etc. My fiancé compliments but I think he’s jealous cuz it’s nothing like before yet I compliment him constantly. He needs it. He was
In need of it for losing weight etc but then when I
Looked stunning w no effort and he didn’t give em he didn’t get em
Either.

[mobiusforniner]

Any man worth his salt receives plenty admiration and respect, well into adulthood. A man should NEVER demand praise or look for praise because that’s inherently shallow. It shows his idea of self worth is based on outside validation which is NOT a real man. Someone who looks for or demands respect or admiration isn’t respectful or admirable

Maybe look inward for the source of your lacking “reinforcement”.

[blueonblack22]

Did I say I needed “reinforcement”? I actually agree that men are only valued by agency in society (what they are able to do and accomplish). Women on the other hand can demand to be treated special just for existing.

But what about the garbage man or the coal miner who is working his ass off to support his family? He might be doing arduous hard work that isn’t “respected” by society in general. But he’s working and keeping society running.

Does he get the admiration and/or positive reinforcement he deserves? Not likely enough of it.

[mobiusforniner]

If one’s basis for self worth is comparing to someone else (a woman, for example) then are they really respectable? We cannot control what others do. We can only control ourselves. I’ve worked ”lower” positions and received admiration from people- maybe not upper class or upper management attention, but I still worked my way up to where I am today. It’s about perspective.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I get more positive feedback from strangers than the people in my life.

[blueonblack22]

Same here. It has to do with “familiarity breeds contempt”.

[HawkPerception]

I'm gonna say true. I do get some occasionally, but it's definitely not anywhere as much as most "queens" are used to.

[Chazmatazz269]

We didn’t get it that often as boys either. I think the younger generations are different.

[strateguy632]

they gel participate TROPHY all of them!

[DishLady]

Some guys do and some don’t — or it’s so few and far between that it stops making a difference. I just asked this question a couple of weeks ago.

[blueonblack22]

The guys that do are already doing something that is of high value to society and they are doing it very visibly. It’s like when you see a male celebrity going through a difficult situation. They get plenty of “support” and positive reinforcement. A good example is if they succumbed to an addiction but got back in their feet and overcame it.

But average Joe guys (and I don’t mean dead beats) who are working say blue collar work or low key white collar jobs rarely get positive reinforcement.

[TommyMountainFigure]

It's true in my experience but I do not need it, and in all honesty the thought of receiving it makes me cringe with embarrassment!

[captain_voidwalker]

False men don't rarely get positive reinforcement, ther never get positive reinforcement

[Juxtapose]

Eh we don't *need* it. You become a lot more free once you realize most people in your life are temporary and when they get bored of you they are gone.

[dolemite58]

If I was having a rough time and a guy tried to hug me I’d punch him and call him a fag 🤣 you’re a grown man you shouldn’t need encouragement or positive reinforcement.

[blueonblack22]

Well I sure as hell don’t want to be hugged by other men either. But acting homo isn’t the point of that meme.

[NathanDavis]

I just get things done

[sirderpsalot123]

True