Would you remain friends with someone who tried to kiss you after saying they wanted friendship only?

[VIVANT]

Alright. I was not going to ask about this bc I really do not think there was any bad intention, on the other hand it’s bothering me so here I go.

I regularly have physical therapy for chronic dizziness. Therapists change every few months. This last one I clicked with immediately. He gives me exercises and answers questions. There is no physical contact.

After my sessions ended, seeing as we get on pretty well & with him being new in the area I invited him out platonically— just me showing him around.

I made it clear I am not interested in dating. He said he travels so he’s not about dating atm, we understand each other. No problems.

Fourth time we met up mind you this was over three months period of time- we weren’t meeting up constantly. It was very late we were listening to street music playing their last song, he moves in (slowly enough for me to stop him - I give him props for that) I stopped him. I asked him ‘you said you wanted to be friends. We both agreed?’ He said he did. He does. He was just feeling very friendly. 👀 👀

I knew he was joking so I laughed but then my mind went back to the issue which was:

1. I do not want to get involved.

2 I thought he didn’t want to get involved.

3 he basically lied to me.

And here’s the thing. He answered me honestly but I now doubt I can trust him.

he said he kind of assumed I was just saying I didn’t want more than friends bc everyone says that (((do they?)) and we get on well so he thought he’d just wait and see.

it doesn’t bother me he turned out to be a bit interested or that he tried to kiss me or even him lying bc he didn’t have an obligation to tell he if he was interested in anything - as long as he accepted I wasn’t.

It is the fact he assumed I was lying and I’m quite tired of people thinking I am playing a game when I’m direct. Even nice people.

He didn’t trust me & I don't know if I can trust him. BUT he did come clean. He could have played it off as a misunderstanding.

What would you do?

Give the friendship one more shot. Just one.

I’m really not sure what I’d do here.

Walk away.

Other.

Updates

1 y

Ok. So after reading response, I’m shifting from concerns he was being dishonest to I am potentially inadvertently leading him on 🤔

Assume for arguments sake he was honest when saying he only wanted friendship…People’s feelings do change, can’t hold that against someone if that happens, doesn’t mean they were being dishonest, but it still remains things can be awkward here on out.

However, both adults here. No one is being forced. So I think I still think, it’s ok to wait and see.

🙏

[WriteOn]

I may disagree with the assumption that he lied to you. If there was a length of time between when he said he was all good with platonic, and when he tried to get closer, it may be he was simply wrong.

He may have wanted to be friends and was okay with that just to be in your world, because he knows you are cool. -

Days between? He lied. Certainly didn't respect your boundaries and should be sidelined, no doubt.

But longer? Months? He may have been telling the truth. Your gut/intuition will tell you. Did you get kinda creeped out? Could it have been more curious or perplexing? Even disappointment doesn't necessarily mean sinister intent.

I've been/am there. Both as the secret admirer and the admire-ee? Both suck if you/they don't have those feelings too and it can feel like a betrayal.

What it comes down to? If who he is as a person outside of this situation, is someone you want in your life. If he is? Communicate. Because if it goes sour, you tried. And if not, you have a great friend.

[Side note. Might be your feelings catch up sometime too. Only you know if its possible. Sometimes it sneaks in despite our best intentions. As the case may be.]

I wish us both spectacular luck and the glorious victories!

Just pause, breathe and listen. What is your "quiet" telling you? Go with that.

:)

[VIVANT]

You’re really cool 😃🫡

[FreyaRed]

You shouldn't trust anyone until they earn your trust with respecting your red lines and don't showing hypocrisy. This guy failed in both tasks. It seems you communicated your red line clearly before and then he tried to turn it into a joke. Trust shouldn't be a topic anymore with this guy.
I had similar situations in the past with men and women who tried to convince me to be my friend but they wanted to exploit me one way or another. Usually if you just keep distance and treat them like friends but without approaching them anymore, the friendship ends very soon. Sometimes even with aggressive behavior from their side what speaks a lot about their real intentions.
However don't give up, such mistakes are false-positive learn experiences.

[VIVANT]

Thank you. Well in this case I won’t see him so often so hopefully time will reveal his character 🙂

[V_Injector]

I would keep it amicable but maintain my distance. He might be friendly, but sexy time is obviously on his mind, and it's going to pop back in again when an opportunity presents itself. He's obviously motivated (sexually) enough to try though.

And not to sound sexist, but I am a gender realist, and he's male. I've been in your shoes, and a female will back off from the idea relatively easily. But from experience, some gay guy isn't going to stop. It's like their brain can't deal with rejection. I can explain that I'm so straight that I can't even tell what other men are on a scale of 1 to 10 all I like, he isn't going to care. As a female, you should know this about men in general.

TL;DR He's male... given enough time and another opportunity, he's just going to try again.
So again, I'd keep it amicable but keep your distance. Don't allow another opportunity...

Also, if it starts to escalate, it's not going to stop... best to walk away completely if that becomes the case.

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT I do not think he lied to you! You're a wonderful person and it's very easy for someone to fall in love with you. Please don't fault him for that!

[Jamie05rhs]

And yes, I agree with your update.

[Jamie05rhs]

"bc everyone says that (do they?)"
YES! They do!! Lol

[Jamie05rhs]

by the way, I didn't vote yet in the poll. Before I do that, I need to ask you a question:
What happens if you need physical therapy again?

[VIVANT]

Ohhh I will need further care I renew my sessions every 3 months.

but

1. my sessions with him are over. I waited to be friendly out of office until the sessions were complete.

2. never ever have the same therapist twice

3. it’s irrelevant bc I’m moving my sessions to a closer location.

4. He is a traveling therapist (they have those 😃 ) so he won’t be at the same practice.

I originally added this but I ran out of room in the body to add yes finished at this practice. But he only stays for 3 months. 🙂

[VIVANT]

Good question!!!

[Jamie05rhs]

1. "My sessions with him are over.". For now. You don't know what the future will hold.

2. Why not? Have you had bad experiences with all of them? (Or do all of them try to date you? Lol)

3. Staff can move around to different branch offices.

4. Precisely my point. He will move to your next therapist's office. Lol

Thanks! 🙏

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for the MHO!

[Static_In_The_Attic]

The heart wants what the heart wants & sometimes the heart can’t always have what it truly desires & sometimes hearts get broken. In life everyone deserves a chance & in life some people get second & third chances. In life you never know what you had until it’s gone & in this case maybe he realized that & doesn’t want to lose you.

If you truly love him & he still loves you give it another chance.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

What a nice poetry amigo🫠

[Lliam]

I wouldn't go so far as to say that he was lying or that he thought you were lying.

I think he likes you and thinks you're pretty. It was kind of a romantic setting and he leaned in to kiss you to see how you would respond.

Sometimes people's feelings evolve when they initially say they want to be friends. He just wondered if your feelings had evolved and if you were interested in taking the friendship to the level of romance. It wasn't an unusual thing to do. After all, you're a beautiful woman. Naturally, he is attracted and imagines getting more intimate.

But it sounds like he was gentlemanly about it. He took his shot but didn't press it or get offended.

So I think everything is cool. He understands now. He likes and respects you. I doubt if he will make any more moves.

[VIVANT]

You know, this wasvery helpful bc this kind of situation really runs the gannet from totally calculating and trust worthy to basically like you said. And I can’t really base my decision on much other than “vibes” bc anyone can pretend. But he really has seemed very nice and he didn’t actually _do_ anything and, really I guess if I was of a different mind and did want to date I can kind of of see just checking to see if things changed? 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I think what you said resonated bc it’s likely the situation. And if not I can always walk away. I don’t fear for my safety or anything lol it’s not that kind of concern. Just integrity.. so the worst thing is I will feel silly and so what but boo hoo 👻

Thank you 💚

[OlderAndWiser]

1. I understand why he would want to kiss you. Don't you?

2. Many girls initially say "I just want to be friends," but they really do want a romantic relationship. They just say that so that a guy won't start out being too aggressive. So, yes, some girls play those games and some girls don't, and some guys don't know how to quickly determine whether a girl is being sincere or playing games.

You are justified in judging him for what he did but all of us have our imperfections. Is this significant enough that you never want to see him again? Only you can make that determination.

[Still-alive]

Personally i’d end it, but if you feel like he learned his lesson or it was an honest mistake or something you can overlook then continue hanging out with him.

I have a feeling he’s gonna try again someday though just beware of that.

[VIVANT]

He miiiiiight but in which case, I’ll walk.

I didn’t fear him it’s nothing like that so worst case is he tries gain I feel like a dope quel dommage 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks!

[midnightmoon05]

There is no friendship between men/women.
What you shared is a great example why it doesn’t work.
the heart is easily hurt.
as a young woman in my 20s… I had a lot of friends… group friends, single guy friends… I learned to not lead guys on.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

I know from experience that hormones cloud good judgement. That even if you have the best of intentions that hormones weaken resolve. I say give him another chance at friendship but make it clear that this isn’t weakness or anything other than being human. Everyone deserves a second chance. Just make sure your boundaries are defined and follow through with things. 😊

[sawno]

I don't think he's genuine with his intention, he wanted to be friends and he intends to be friends but he probably caught feelings for you and hopes for more. Clear boundary will hopefully do, otherwise accept he is not capable of being just friends.

[Avicenna]

I have exchanged kisses with a few of my female friends in situations like that or more vague (but not since I was in my 20s). I was able to remain friends for a while but it was really awkward being alone with them after that.

[VIVANT]

I think I’ll give things try luckily we didn’t August kiss.

Can you tell me, Was it awkward bc if residual attraction/ tensions or just awkward bc awkward?

[Avicenna]

Awkward because of residual attraction

[Finchie40]

Well just because you don’t want a relationship with anyone , it doesn’t mean you don’t want sex either? He probably just assumed he could make out with you and get lucky will, basically a FWB’s

[VIVANT]

No I was clear about not wanting _anything_ esp casual sex 😂

[Finchie40]

He lied to you then , and assumed he could get with you. This sort of thing happens a lot , why girls’ and guys’ really can’t just be friends if there is any attraction involved on either side. I had girl friends’ that tried doing this to me as well , I told them I didn’t want a relationship with them just friendship and after some time , they would try to get with me , assuming I was lying to them and blowing smoke up other ass. The one girl friend took advantage of me when I got drunk and practically raped me when I told her I like someone else and that I only like her as a friend , , she didn’t care and still came on to me , I guess I really didn’t care either , cuz I ended up letting her have her way with me , and then passing out , I woke up the next day thinking I fucked up cuz that girl knew the girl I had a crush on and thinking she was going to find out the truth that I had sex with her. Luckily my crush didn’t care and I told her the truth on what happened , She said she knew she had a crush on me and figured that would be something she would do. So again, that’s part of the reason why Guys’ and Girls’ really can’t just be friends if any attraction is there from either side

[Jamie05rhs]

@Finchie40 As I understand, he tried to kiss her. Kissing doesn't equal sex.
(Although I don't want either.)

[Finchie40]

Kissing can lead to sex , plus friends’ don’t try to kiss other friends’ with their tongues

[Jamie05rhs]

"Kissing can lead to sex.". So can nibbling the ear, and rubbing the leg. And a lot of other things.

But kissing can also just be... kissing. :)

[Jamie05rhs]

And who said anything about a tongue?

[Finchie40]

He’s a guy , he will try to give her tongue lol

[Jamie05rhs]

@Finchie40 On a first kiss? Why, though? It seems a bit much.

[VIVANT]

😂 I mean there was no kiss let alone tongue 👅 and kissing doesn’t lead to anything unless everyone want it.

Tho I agree it’s Janie it’s gross to shive your tongue into someone’s mouth in a first kiss if it’s trial thing and you’re not sure how they feel. Altho, we dk if he was gonna push it in bc there was no kiss.

I agree people shouldn’t push boundaries and I’m sorry that happened to you, i appreciate you sharing all of that.

. He did stop tho plus it was months between when we said friends to when he tried to kiss me. If he did that again for sure there’d be no question I’d walk but I’m just not sure this was a huge deal. I’ve gone back and l froth on it and for now I think I’m just going to leave it at “pending”

[spartan55]

Why do you jump to him lying. It's possible things evolved for him since the beginning. That's not lying.

[VIVANT]

True that’s possible no one is static, it’s just he knows what I thought he wanted based on what we talked about.. as a result I guess if he’d confronted me directly id feel less uneasy than him just trying to make a move?

But I’ve decided I’m pretty sure it was innocent and we’ll see 🙂

[spartan55]

As a guy, if I had to basically get approval for every single physical gesture I would never have a girlfriend again. Besides, if that was his grand plan all along I doubt he would have waited four dates.

[VIVANT]

I would talk before making a move and I’m comfortable with that so I exist t it from others.. as far as him not waiting I don't know some people get off on playing people

We clock so well I feel connected to him grind wise so I hope we can just go back to normal but I guess I’ll have to find out

Im a bit worried me thinking we get along so well was just him having good rizz and in fact I do not really know him at all and maybe he never really wanted to know me but was playing me. I guess I’ll find out. It’s disappointing ting when you think you’re making a good friend but I know it can be disappointing the other way too. Just hope he’s not playing.

[spartan55]

Generally speaking no guy wants to be your friend.

[VIVANT]

I wonder what makes you think that. I have guy friends who have not “tried” anything so what would be the incentive to act like a friend if they don’t want to be my friend?

[spartan55]

Waiting for their chance. If you called every one of your guy friends and asked them if they wanted to have sex with you 9/10 would say yes.

[VIVANT]

Honestly I don't know if that is the case but even IF ttat were true, you can be attracted to someone and still like them as a person. I’ve found people attractive that I didn’t want more from but liked them as a person. Have you never?

And of course there are guys who are not into women sexually but still enjoy a friendship.

[spartan55]

If I'm attracted to a woman and like them as a person then why wouldn't I want to have a relationship with her? It doesn't make any sense to me to just be friends. Aside from that, every female friendship I've ever had has been extremely one sided. No thanks.

[VIVANT]

I’m sorry to hear that, truly. There are good and bad people of any gender. I’m surprised you have no good female friendships.

[Grond21]

That is a tough case, and I'm glad he was honest. It is possible you were leading him on as you say, but I am not sure. Ultimately I would want to ask more questions before I give an answer

[VIVANT]

Ok certainly, I’ll answer ☺️

[Grond21]

Oh, it would need to be a conversation, one where I can hear your tone of voice. And I'm guessing you don't want to do that

[MysticDevice]

It would appear his feelings may have changed. As they certainly can do sometimes.

I will say being just friends will probably be a tad more difficult after that

[VIVANT]

It is possible I guess time will tell. 🤔

[MysticDevice]

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

[VIVANT]

Yeah it’s not that I’m worried he’ll do something I just felt weird on a trust level and a bit foolish bc you can never tell if there’s a change or if it was calculated from the start but again, I guess tone will tell 😂 life’s messy 🤷🏻‍♀️

[AmeerX]

Trying to kiss me is going a bit too far. I would give them a chance though if she was honest. But if he tried it once, he will get into your pants too. So, be on alert for that too

[VIVANT]

I can assure you No one is getting into my pants lol

But yeah to me there is a huge difference between him forcing a kiss and moving slowly. If he did not leave time for me to stop him then I’d feel 💯 differently. In this case I think he will not over attempt anything so I’m ok seeing if he actually wants to be friends. For sure if he tried again i would decide we don’t work out as friends.

[Yannae]

Other, I have to sit her down. We can't just pretend that didn't happen. She needs to be upfront with me or we're done either way.

[VIVANT]

That is very fair in my opinion

[Yannae]

I just don't history to repeat itself.

[FunkyMonkee]

Sure. Why not? Why would a kiss change that?

[VIVANT]

Well it’s not amiss it’s the f at we agreed to keep it friends and he didn’t talk to me about any change he just made a move I feel kind of betrayed tho very very mildly

[FunkyMonkee]

I can't exactly say that I've been in the same situation where we both agreed to be just friends and then one of us tried to take it a step farther without consent because of one picking up mixed messages the other WASN'T sending but, there HAVE been a NUMBER of times where a girl (shall we say) "took advantage of me": we were just talking or sitting together somewhere, we hardly even knew each other and she lays this big passionate kiss on me for no reason at all!! Am I THAT sexy that these mostly MARRIED women can't stop themselves? I'm not exactly complaining, I just have to wonder what that was all about!
The closest situation I can think of to yours was that I met a girl in college and we had a lot in common but she already had a boyfriend so, I never bothered to move in on her. Besides, I was nearly 2' taller than her (she's 4' 11") and d enough to be her dad! She said I looked just like her older brother so, we just kinda considered each other surrogate brother & sister.
One night, she invited me over to her place just to talk and what have you so, I went over and we DID just talk for a while and then I showed her some CD's I brought over that I thought she might like and would like to listen to. She chose one and ran into her bedroom to put it on and then set things up on this loveseat she had where we could sit close to each other. She snuggled in very close to me, put my left arm around her shoulder and put her hand into mine and we sat there like that for at least 3 hours (except when she'd go in to change CD's). I'd just broken up with my ex-fiance a year before and, over our 10 years together, we used to spend a lot of time listening to this kind of music in this way except that we were usually in bed completely naked and madly in love with each other (or, so I thought).

[FunkyMonkee]

Well, about the third hour, Kelly & I are just sitting together like that and, I just couldn't help myself! I turned to her and kissed her right on top of her head as if she WAS my ex-fiance and I IMMEDIATELY apologized profusely to her because I had NO intention of doing that to her!! She just stayed put and calmly said, "That's okay." and we just sat there listening to the rest of the third CD.
We're still the best of friends to this day 23 years later.
I felt like I betrayed her trust but, it wasn't like I was TRYING to get more than we were supposed to be. I just "lost control" and thought she WAS Anu for a moment.

[Juxtapose]

It's a small lie and people change their minds. If it bothers you enough you can walk away from him.

[VIVANT]

I think I agree with this pretty much exactly.

Thank you.

[Juxtapose]

You're welcome and best of luck to you.

[VIVANT]

Thank you. To you as well 🫡☺️

[worldscolide]

I'd walk away, I have VERY clear boundaries with my friends.

[VIVANT]

I understand that. But I think bc we are still in the early stages of friendship and there was some attraction and people do play games so he might’ve really wondered and he didn’t actually end up touching me— I can chalk this up to misunderstanding.

Thank you.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I think I would walk away, because I see things this way, one lie leads to another lie, If a girl did this to me, I would walk away and wish her the best.

[OddBeMe]

Depends. People can make mistakes. Or they can be pervs.

[VIVANT]

Yup that’s the line I just wasn’t sure of and anyone with incentive can appear good natured whether truly or by fiction

I’ll see how it goes 🤷🏻‍♀️

[TonyMetal___86]

If he tried once than he will try again after some time, since he wasn't clear from the beginning, better not to give him another chsnce!

In the end, it's your choice!

[Sevenpointfive]

some guys can be friends with a girl, but most of the time it doesn't work out

[ManHater]

Depends... I keep doors open friends are better than not having any friends.

[Part2603]

If you think him trying to sneak a kiss is bad, you should try asking him if he has any sexual fantasies about you.

[jackieistired]

Depends if they were my only friend or not lol

[VIVANT]

😂 fair

[Jerre]

I’d give it another shot at Friendship

[VIVANT]

Thanks Jerre I think I will!

[Jerre]

@VIVANT Thank you for the Like

[VIVANT]

Thanks for the comment 🙂

[Jennz6]

Sure, why not

[Samantha_17]

It depends whether I'm in love...

[TallAnon]

Doesn't seem like he's there for friendship

[legalboxers]

Id walk, sick of the friend zone

[elizamichale1]

I will give chance

[jahaims]

Definitely not

[eagle1951]

hard to say

[Ad_Quid_Orator]

I would not.