Once a man becomes an incel, is there anything that can change his mindset? Women, would you want to date a formerly "reformed" incel?

Question

What is an incel? An incel is a member of an online community of young men who consider themselves unable to attract women sexually, typically associated with views that are hostile toward women and men who are sexually active. Most leave their rage online, but in extreme cases, it can lead a few to act violently towards women as there are always some extremists in every group who seek "justice" for perceived injustices towards them.

If you were a former incel, is there anything that got you out of this mindset?

Chazmatazz269 · Accepted Answer

You are conflating involuntary celibacy with men going their own way and misogynists. There is some intersectionality, but they are definitely not the same.
Involuntary celibacy affects most people at one time or another in life, and it’s quite easily solved with good ol’ physical affection. It doesn’t even have to be sex.
Men go their own way for various reasons. Some are doing it to work on themselves so that they can be more attractive to potential mates. Some have decided that the only way to win at the game is to not play.
True misogyny cannot be fixed. It’s more of a mental illness than a mindset. It’s not terribly different from any given phobia in the way it is expressed irrationally.
There is justifiable anger and frustration at the inequalities and inequities of the society we’ve created and abide. The problem is too few people recognize and accept that men have problems too.
Those last two lead directly to my final point. There is a great deal of hypocrisy in western societies, particularly regarding “equality” between the sexes. If a person has an insurmountable fear of dogs because every dog they’ve ever encountered viciously attacked them, we understand. Nobody is forcing them to be around dogs and shaming them for not recognizing not all dogs are bad. They have every right to defend their health and wellbeing because of their experiences.
Same goes for women who claim to have never had a good experience with men. Of course they are justified in their blanket generalizations. All men ARE bad. If men were better, she wouldn’t have suffered the way she did. She has every right to protect herself from men and men must respect her rights.
But when a man has had nothing but bad experiences with women, we shame him. You, OP, have done so several times here in the comments section. You’re not alone. We all but universally tell men “not all women are like that!”, “you gotta get right back on the horse!”. No matter how badly he was abused, for how long, or by how many women, it is every man’s obligation to make himself better so that more women can have access to him. Defending his health and wellbeing is selfish and childish. The hypocrisy is unbearable.

OneViewpoint · Accepted Answer

Like MAGA, our home grown militias, and White Power racists, incels are the misfits of society who find each other online and become a cult living inside a community of self reinforcing losers living in the fringe of society. They all externalize their multitude of problems in life, never taking responsibility or accountability for their part in their own fate.

These people are not the brightest candle on the birthday cake to begin with. Reforming them means getting them out of their cult and thinking about their own stupidity and lack of personality development. Then they have to learn to hold them selves accountable for their own bad decision that led them to live on the fringe of society.

Good luck with that. It's much easier for them to stay buried in their incel dogma and direct their hate at the world. Still a tiny handful of people escape religious cults and racist cults. It can happen, but it's rare.

Personally I just write these people off as damaged goods.

Caroline91 · Accepted Answer

I don't know the answer to that but I would guess it is possible. I think, like with so many societal maladies, the best cure is prevention. If we had a kinder, more inclusive environment, that really rejected bullying and callous kinds of behavior, very few people would be on the fringes of our society and we would all be much healthier human beings. Having close interpersonal relationships is a natural human drive rooted in our biology and evolution, impacting our development and well-being throughout life.

alli-112 · Accepted Answer

Pretty sure there are cases of this, and while I would be hesitant to date someone that even bought into that rhetoric just because of what a willingness to accept it at all says about a person, I genuinely do believe that people can change (I've seen plenty of people change for the worse), so it would really depend on how he talks about the experience and how he acts in general. I think it would be really difficult to build trust, but still possible, so I wouldn't call it an outright no.

HawkPerception · Answer

I've had 4 girlfriends in my life, and a few girls I dated briefly in between them. I wouldn't call myself an incel, but I do empathize with the Men's Rights Activists, MGTOW, and red pill communities online.

Feminism has caused a large shift in the mentality of women nowadays. For the majority of women in the west, there's no respect towards men anymore. They have equal pay yet they still expect men to pay for them (entitlement). They are raised on how a man should treat them, but not on how they should treat a man (narcissism). They fight for dominance over men, not for equality (feminazi). They blame everything on men (lack of accountability). They want men to approach them, but then say they would choose the bear and don't want men to approach them (lack of logic).

And there's so much more. Until the quality of women increases, I genuinely understand the movement.

That being said, there ARE good women out there. I've dated them. But let me just say that they're definitely rare nowadays.

AMS700CX4u2 · Answer

I can not imagine a group of men who think that way. But I can think of a way to produce people of that mentality. Lack of association of real women creates an unapproachable ideal in their imaginations. Porn is not the real world, Realk women have zits on their posteriors and they might have crooked teeth. But if you spend your time at home on line playing video games with idealized women and watching porn with idealized women, you will never know that females are just as imperfect as you and that is the beauty of the situation. Neither of us are inaccessable. A moment of perfection from two imperfect beings, mixed with Serotonin, Oxytocin, and Dopamine , to name a few, seems to erase our memories of what is not perfect in each other. Actually, that moment of perfection appears, to this 75 years old survivor, to be the the very thing that makes us willing to get up in the morning and try again. I try to leave religion out of my discussions, but it is something that we have to be reminded of frequently' All God ever asked of us was to stay naked and make babies, He offered to pay all our bills. What human would turn that down.

SotiCoto · Answer

Not quite correct.
An Incel is an Involuntary Celibate. That is literally what it stands for.
i. e. The people (usually male) who have no natural sexual prospects due to not having any of the factors that would generally appeal to the opposite (or same) gender.

The really ironic thing is that Incels coined the term in order to make it seem like a medical condition, draw pity to their circumstances and find a sense of unity amongst themselves. Unsurprisingly though, because it referred exclusively to social pariahs in the first place, the term almost immediately got transformed into an insult by the Internet in general and utterly destroyed its purpose.

It isn't a "mindset" though. Perhaps choosing to identify as such even when the entire Internet mocks and scorns the term might be considered a mindset... but technically the term applies to anyone who is simply too unattractive (and presumably too poor) to get laid, whether they call themselves that or not.

And my take on the whole subject is that attacking them is like beating up the homeless. They might be unpleasant to deal with, but I guarantee you they're suffering enough without malicious people going out of their way to attack them further.

RingOfFire · Answer

Can't say I've ever been in that club as I've had my share of women. But I'm not sure that everyone who does that online is an incel by that definition.

I see both men and women play keyboard warrior trying to start a fight with the opposite sex. This is basically just an age old natural human instinct. When it comes to the opposite sex we want them and we don't want them. They are our greatest dream and our worst nightmare all in one. This has been so forever I'm sure, certainly in every generation since I've been alive.

So being anonymous on the internet gives them cover to vent that natural tendency.

Are there men who are disgruntled because they can't get any and it just takes too much effort? Sure there are. But I think if you measure the quantity by those who post incelish comments online you are grossly overestimating the number of them. It's just too easy to do anonymously.

With women it takes the form of pseudo feminism. They put on a show to demonstrate how much like a man they are. Little do they know that it really comes off like they're idiots because all it demonstrates is that they envy men and want to be just like them when in fact women and men have many major differences. It's one thing to be proud of those differences and quite another to want to twist reality to make believe those differences don't exist.

Anonymous · Answer

First off, the term Incel has reached the point where it's basically become a slur for men.

Second Most incels are just lonely unlucky guys and there's nothing wrong with them they're just chronically single. The reason the incel thing and all the stigma against them happened is there was one incel dude who got a small cult following that went postal and killed several women and inspired one copycat. Now because of two guy's that were clearly mentally ill with multiple disorders people think all single guys are sex crazed maniac's and have a stigma against them like they must be sick and twisted in the head or something.

Third, almost every single guy I met that was one of the angry incels had a great reason to hate woman often times they had multiple stories and events that led them up to that point. Women get treated like they're just delicate sensitive little princesses that need to be served but God forbid men basic respect. Almost all of them had been abused or used in some capacity, cheated on, insulted, used and cast aside it goes on like that often times multiple of these have happened to them multiple times.

People need to stop jumping straight to calling groups of people a "Problem" the moment they do something they don't like, or think is weird and start asking why they're doing it if they want to fix the problem. When groups of people form a community that has a lot of resentment in it like the incels that genuinely are a problem they almost always have a story that makes you say. "I don't approve but I understand."

MrOracle · Answer

Incels exist, but it's a very small percentage. Less than 10%. These are men who are both low in looks and in social skills, who also lack confidence in themselves (for good reason, truthfully). It's unlikely that many of these will be "reformed".

There's a MUCH larger percentage of men who are single by choice. Most of them are NOT political about it, they just ran their own cost-benefit analysis and decided it wasn't worth it. Since they aren't in the top 10% of men, the chances of finding the kind of woman they want is near zero, because there are just so few of them. Many will pursue women for casual relationships and many don't pursue them at all, but they don't expect to find a serious relationship and have accepted that.

Most men would only seriously consider a woman with traditional values and morals, who are family oriented. Women like that barely exist today, and can get top men, so these guys are just doing other things.

jshm2 · Answer

Incel or femcel (a female incel) are attributes - not personalities.

Usually of kids in bad homes, or bad circumstances, that feel a "partner" will rescue them from it.

Rather sad, really. As it's a cry for help from kids who have been brainwashed into thinking asking for help is "weakness". Usually because their parent or parents are into illegal dealings so know the cops or social services will jail them and/or take their kids.

So just like dating a person with mental health issues or disabilities, with incels and femcels you're dealing with a person with problems. You should only go in if you're know what you're doing, and have no romanticised notions.

msmissydc · Answer

So probably a controversial opinion, I think a "reformed" incel (the actual incel group thing not the descriptive thing), can make such a huge change in their character, that they are probably not only not incels anymore but more supportive than the average person.

I think there are two options what an incel can be. The descriptive term, that just means involuntary celibate is the first. Just a normal single person who isn't sleeping around. They dont call themselve incel, but just single.

The self proclaimed incels go further, and often share the opinion, that its not their fault but look for the fault for their situation on everyone but themselves. These people can change but need to change.

I dont think internet can change the second group. Filterbubbles and ingroup cult like support makes a c ange of mind hard. BUT I think a real talk can change their views, because it would just confront them with reality. Its a hard and long way but It can work.

Lionman95 · Answer

Yes I would say there is something and that is change of lifestyle in terms of getting in the offline world and having experiences. I was kind of an incel though I didn´t refer myself as one but I´ve spent much time on Reddit/Facebook as I was alone most of the time and I´ve been an introvert for most of life. The change happened for me by getting away from the computer through by parents and friends in the neighbourhood. I developed more of a social life realising that life is different than the experiences I read online.
I joined a Christian youth group and gained confidence. I´ve never had a girlfriend since but I have female friends and a decent social life. So I have regular contact with women I just haven´t fallen in love. The issue now is rather my laziness/lack of discipline and perfectionism.

Summeroflove · Answer

The only thing that can change someone’s mind is that they mature and choose to change their minds. You can show someone all the information you want to show them and they won’t listen.

Most these men just think all women are the same. Also the type of men who want a woman whose beautiful who takes good care of herself but hitting the shower everyday or brushing their own teeth is another story. They feel entitled to be with someone.

They can rage all they want at people who never did anything. They’re just making people like them less including the opposite sex.

Effably · Answer

While not an incel I think the answer is fairly obvious. Breaking that imposed celibacy.

Or to quote my own dear mother when discussing lifetime criminals "Two things gets someone out of it. They either find love or they find religion.". One of the uses I readily give religion.

I sort of pity the girl who has to change all those negative stereotypes. But the reduction of how many people have had sex is starting to become a societal problem. A funny one to have, who would think our generation's big flaw is too much working and education while having too little sex?

RavVid · Answer

The pot is calling the kettle black here.

In the real world if you display adverse attitudes to anybody - even a dog or cat - you can't expect positive attitudes back from them to you. Instead you will get much the same attitudes back as you projected to them.

I don't understand you expecting anything different.

For 60 years women have enunciated hatred and dislike of men so you should expect that to be reflected back in the mirror.

Lets limit interaction to copulating. That still works at least.

SeekerOfTruth007 · Answer

I'll never forgive my former "friends" of what they did to me, including the false accusations against me and my family. I'm never going to have a close female friend again either, because i learned the hard way that they are flat out not worth it. You can treat them like gold, and they'll turn on your and maul you publicly for no fucking reason whatsoever.

No I'm not dating whores who've slept with guys before marriage either? Why? Because if i could remain pure to God then so could you. There are no excuses for acting like a 50 cent hooker all of your life. I'm smarter than that. I'm not catching your fucking STDs and whatever else is wrong with you.

BCRanger10 · Answer

Of course, a man change his mindset. The problem is though that "incel" is, in my observation and experience, a generic term that people throw around now that basically just means "stuff I don't like" or "that guy disagrees with me."

ProbablyClueless · Answer

That change is absolutely possible. I think the big thing that needs to happen is that the guy needs to have a genuine and positive interaction with a woman that shows him it's possible to have a good experience with women.

So many of those guys have truly never had any positive experiences with women, not even their own mothers. There's a lot of very legitimate hurt in those situations.

sawno · Answer

Thing is its a self fulfilling prophecy because they tend to just be bitter and consider themselves hopeless which makes them unattractive on their own especially if resentful/hostile to girls. So its change that can only come from positive stories from other men in similar positions or personal growth.

ManOnFire · Answer

Did you know that the very first incel was a Canadian girl? And she was the one who called herself that and created the term back in the 90s. Her name is "Alana" and she chooses to remain anonymous to this day but still speaks on occasion. Back in the 90s she created that term and an online community for people she felt didn't have the social skills to get a date or sex, including herself.

Look it up.

Leon1 · Answer

The term incel is yet another perfect example of projection. Alana started a website for lonely people mainly from lgbt+ community struggling to find love, she later joined that community. This term was then used derogatorily to mean “ male and heterosexual people unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. “ Notice how it specifically implies hetero people and males, it’s a tool to demonize anyone with criticism of the modern dating scene, especially males.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Thats not what an incel is.
Incel is short for involuntarily celibate.
So its anyone, male or female, attractive or not, single or not, nice or not, who wants sex, but isn't getting any.
There is no negative cannotation applied to the word incel, and they do not act/behave any particular way.

genericname85 · Answer

there's nothing you can do. cause the word "incel" itself is bullshit. it's someone deciding they don't get sex and they can't possibly do anything about it. deciding that in many cases is much easier than actually doing something to get laid. it's basically a self made legitimation to be lazy and give up. if someone decided to give up, leave them behind. they need to figure their shit out and talk to a therapist.

msc545 · Answer

Men become incels as a result of repeated episodes of verbal abuse and shunning by women, usually due to their appearance or lack of money or both. Positive changes in appearance and/or increased income may, to some extent, mitigate the effects of prior abuse or neglect, but at least in some men the effects become chronic, usually resulting in chronic avoidance of and anger at women.

Nikki1989 · Answer

A smart man can and will change themselves for the better, but incels are rarely playing with a full deck. They love to play victim, and I wouldn't be surprised if they carry around their own body chalk.

Pohjolan · Answer

That's a subgroup of incels.

Most single guys without game aka involuntary celibates are not as bad as what MSM narrative suggests. 24% of males 22-34 in US had not had sex in 2022-2023.

How many million incels is that?

Reality is also that there is a significant deficit of single women so they either have to compete better with other men or go MGTOW or go to gate🛫.

Anonymous · Answer

Same as a woman that deems all men are dogs. You make your own reality. As long as you want to wallow in those inaccuracies then life will not change for you.

I'm not saying it's always easy. A lot of times it's a uphill battle. But you play a big part in your own success or lack of it.

Anonymous · Answer

Unfortunately the term incel has lost all meaning. Its literally used to shame, insult, and silence men that women disagree with. Its never used for its original definition, which is a man who is involuntarily celibate, as in a man through his actions, who can't get a girlfriend and can't get laid. Its used much more broadly.. As a result, any time any person, especially women, use that term, i ignore anything they have to say as false and utter nonsense.

LazerBean · Answer

I firmly believe that anyone can change, It's just a question of how likely they are to choose to do so. Personally, I would not have dated anyone with a history of mental illness. But most women do not seem very picky about that sort of thing.

Jarkaz9000 · Answer

It is funny how hypocritical you are. Narrative celebrating seeds of corruption called feminism and 4bmovement but once a man becomes an incel, then he gets bashed down by the mainstream media. We all know that evil controls the media.

The reason why men nowadays prefer being incel or single or whatnot is because women are useless. There.

Anonymous · Answer

These issues could easily be resolved if you were more willing to date/fuck us. We compliment you and sympathize with you. We give you gifts. We change our bodies for you and nothing works. Just tell us what we have to do to get the girl WE want!

Tonita91996 · Answer

Guys like that are weirdos even if they did get pussy they wouldn’t appreciate women. That’s the secret don’t give a man any sex and that’s how he will respect you.

Filthy_Immigrant · Answer

I dont think so. the reality that incels want is not only hyped up their own attitude will always work against them. trust dont even try, you're just gonna waste your time and tax out your sanity

WhitneySnow · Answer

I would think a girl he likes being interested in him back would change his mind, but I’m not 100% sure.

Smegskull · Answer

Incels and feminists both suffer from an inability to accept that evolution isn't fair but you have to play along anything.
I don't think they are recoverable because ultimately they are right, they just aren't making themselves happy.

236color · Answer

An incel, once you have sex with him, is no longer an incel. And yes, getting laid does dramatically improve his attitude.

Lynx122 · Answer

Of course people can always change their minds, they just need to be willing to confront the difficult issues they might not want to face.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Lol 😅 🤣 🤣 no such thing!!! There are VOLCELS who are voluntarily celibate because they are pathetic. besides, MAGA hats are much more effective and easier to remove!!!

Aiko_E_Lara · Answer

Yes but just like feminists, it's usually not worth it to change their mind for you to date. Unless you really want a full on argument with them

Gaylordslav · Answer

I wouldn't call myself an incel im just a weak cowardly ugly boring loser who thinks he's straight. But its ok i prefer to be alone, but it does make keeping a job and having money a impossibility.

captain_voidwalker · Answer

I think you mean mgtow, an incel wants a woman but can't get one. A mgtow can get women but dosen't want one

foxsquirrell · Answer

Maybe a change of scenery. I don't know. Its probably a deep rooted problem which is hard to get rid of with anything less then a thunder bolt. A complete system reset. lol

AudreyPom · Answer

Aren't incels just guys who prefer being single? Is that just a buzzword that women love to use to embarass men just because as a cope because women hate being lonely while men excel being alone?

zagor · Answer

Yes, getting sex. Unlike a "volcel", someone who avoids sex and relationships on purpose.

Babygirl_S · Answer

If I have to tolerate bad behaviour, I would rather take it from a handsome dude. Why get mistreated by an incel?

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

When a guy becomes an incel, hand him to "WoWgirl" don't know if she's still around here 🤣

Anonymous · Answer

Incels never truly reform; they just pretend to. Deep down, they still hate women. That's why my answer is no. I would never make the mistake of dating a so-called "reformed" incel.

CaptainSmartass · Answer

Well, I reckon I could de-progamme him, but it'll cost you. £25,000 total. Half upfront, half on completion. Simples...

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Yeah. He can start by quitting being a whiny little punk and his life will significantly change as a result.

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

There is no such thing as an incel, only a volcel. “Incels” are volcels, they just don’t realize it.

CatsMeow1212 · Answer

I feel like yes , it would be good for a woman to live and nurture them.

Anonymous · Answer

Nope, much like say terminal cancer It's a lost cause that has damaged it's host beyond repair

Anonymous · Answer

it won't surprise me if that community has only gotten bigger within the last decade and will only continue to rise

Flower7 · Answer

I doubt that incels can change.

FreyaRed · Answer

I don't see incels, so I don't care.

Dongie · Answer

Wouldn't they be recovering, not reformed? 😅

Anonymous · Answer

Who knows, it's a mystery.

robocop666 · Answer

women make it hard for men to pick them up

serious · Answer

I really doubt it.

Once a man becomes an incel, is there anything that can change his mindset? Women, would you want to date a formerly "reformed" incel?

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