(1) What's the best (respectful) way to refuse a guy's attention w/o bruising his heart? + (2) Why do guys bother with a much older gal?

[DishLady]

I've got a strict height+age requirement for guys -- yeah, like kids @ a theme park. (Don't dwell.)

At a recent church social (everyone on their best behavior, even the wolves-in-sheeps-clothing types) a sweet-faced young guy attends for the first time. Of course I welcome and introduce him to folks his age, show him where the food/bevs are and suggest he befriend a nice dance partner. But like a lot of men do, he stands at the sideline watching the older/braver crowd dance like it's our last night on earth.

He taps me omw out and mentions a few people going to the local diner-bar (the choir director and his wife, the dance instructor and his sister... a crowd I know well). I shrug and tag along.

After 30min at the place I hug everyone goodbye and step outside for a cab; the closest one is nearly an hour away, so I resolve to walk to the train (45min away) in my heels and gown.

The guy calls out, "What's up?" and leaps over the windowsill of the restaurant, grinning as he jogs the two yards over to me. "You can't go alone. I'll walk you."

I figure he's being a kind gentleman to a gal who can frankly be his mother.

We reach the station and he asks to kiss me.

I say "sure, of course" and kiss his cheek and give his arm a maternal little squeeze, thanking him for being so kind.

He pauses. "No, I mean... is it cool... if I kiss you?"

My eyebrows fly up. "What? Oh! Wow! You're so sweet!" I sputter. "But... you were just at a wonderful dance. So many pretty girls your age. Why me?"

This angel-boy tells me it's bc I'm so kind and lovely.

I sigh, truly flattered, my heart melting at the edges. "How old are you?"

(My son's age.)

I smile. "I'll tell you, you made my day. I'm truly, officially flattered. But you're my son's age and that," I pat his chest and straighten his collar before looking him in the eye again, "is NOT ok. I hope you understand."

He very politely hugs me and returns the peck on the cheek before leaving.

I wonder... Was there a better way?

[HawkPerception]

I don't think you could have handled that with more class and elegance than you did.

But I'm of a different opinion with you when it comes to age difference.

In general scenarios, the best (respectful) way to refuse a guy's attention is to say bluntly that you're not interested, but the tone matters. There's a polite tone and a tone that's rude and mean. Always choose the polite and kind tone unless they're persistent and annoying.

From your interaction though, you don't really need anyone else's advice or opinions on this.

[DishLady]

Well you know what? I honestly didn't have anything bad to say about him. He wasn't rude and forward and he was so gentle the way he asked, a little shy, you know? Maybe it was a novelty for him to kiss an older woman or something, I don't know.

[HawkPerception]

I personally think you and a lot of people should loosen up and live a little. Too many people in society are limited by societal norms.

I don't see it as morally wrong with an age gap. He found you attractive. He's an adult. He can sign up for the military and put his life on the line. He can drink. He can make his own decisions. I don't see the problem 😂

Obviously, what I'm saying only applies if it's mutual attraction. That's just my take on it

[DishLady]

He was my son's age and this is a church group. i don't need all hell to break loose

[HawkPerception]

Yeah, I read he was your son's age (still old enough in my opinion). I'm still not against it.

But yeah... church group = societal norms and pressures, so I get it. You don't want the drama that it could potentially create. I really do think people mind their own business for the most part in life though. No one really cares 😂

[HawkPerception]

Regardless, I respect you as always DL.

[OlderAndWiser]

You could say, "I had a very traumatic experience with a younger man several years ago, and since then, I have a hard and fast rule of not dating anyone more than ___ years younger than me. I don't want to have my heart broken again, so I hope you do understand. But you would be a catch for a younger girl; would you mind if I suggest someone else you might consider?"

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I think you couldn't have done better, you handled it perfectly.

That said, some guys won't take the hint. I know, because I did hound a lady ten years older than me for a while.

[DishLady]

Thanks. :)

Can I ask what the appeal was? I mean, for a younger guy, I don't get what the appeal of such a significant age gap would have been.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

For me personally, I believe it's because my first relationship and experiences were with an older girl.

As for the woman I am talking about, the appeal for me is her sense of humor and overall personality - she's sassy and sarcastic, without being nasty. She says things directly and without beating around.

[DishLady]

Aha. I like her already, lol.

[Grond21]

Honestly, that was pretty awesome. You didn't feed around the bush and you were very clear. That's what most men don't receive these days. Simultaneously to that, you were flattered and respectful. So I think you handled it very well.

[DishLady]

Well I really WAS flattered. He was a very nice looking kid. I just wasn't sure if there was a better way... or perhaps something I could have spotted earlier to avoid the awkward question in general.

[Grond21]

Nothing I can see. He wasn't signaling too loudly that he was interested beforehand, so to act on it would have been premature.

[DishLady]

In a million years I seriously wouldn't think a guy like that -- young enough to have options -- would think that way.

[Grond21]

I wonder if it may be on the rise. Being saturated with so much physical beauty online eventually could desensitize them so they look for other traits.

[DishLady]

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[Zylos]

Your rejection seems fine.

Speaking for myself, I dunno why, but older women can be hot AF. I also think they're kinda harder to get.

For me personally, it would probably mostly be sexual attraction.

[exitseven]

That was a great story. You showed lots of warmth and compassion.

[DishLady]

Thanks. I still worried I hurt his feelings. It took some guts for him to ask like that.

[exitseven]

@DishLady Yes, I predict that he will have a successful dating life. I never would have had the guts to do that.

[spartan55]

Such a heartbreaker...💔

[DishLady]

WHO? The kid def will be. He was adorable with all that. If I wasn’t so old… lol.

[spartan55]

No, YOU DishLady.

[spartan55]

You could flip that church group on its head...😂 😂

[DishLady]

😳😳😳

[DishLady]

Silly.

[MannMitAntworten]

No. You went about it perfectly.

[DishLady]

Thanks. :)

[slatyb]

That was fine.