Why is it easy for guys to talk to other guys (and perhaps some girls) but suddenly such a challenge for guys to talk to a girl they seem to like?

[DishLady]

There's a point to which I get it... you like someone and feel awkward and perhaps don't know what to say. Gals feel this way as well.

However I've seen guys who talk and are very charismatic with EVERYONE and then suddenly get to the gal they like and... I don't know. They clam up and become rude and act like they're suddenly not the smart competent person everyone knows them to be. Like a giant "brain fart" situation. I don't get it!

[ryanrhino]

I think it would be the same if you met someone you admired. I would certainly be quieter meeting a musician, writer or some other public figure. Though, in the presence of someone miles ahead of me physically, yes, it feels a bit instinctual to get wide-eyed like an anime character. Maybe there is something in our evolution that causes this?

[DishLady]

Nah. I smile more and get those little goosebumps... you know? But I talk and joke as I normally would.

[ryanrhino]

Well, that makes you unique compared to I, but being able to speak to people is a skill I've been working on my whole life. My wife has been helping me enable this skill, as she has the same what seems to be effortless ease in conversation.

[DishLady]

I guess my tolerance is also high bc of my constant professional interactions with others. I don't know.

[Ironco]

Men don't want to disappoint or not impress the lady they like.

They choke and don't know what to do...

It comes more natural as they get older. Most of the time.

[worldscolide]

A guy talking to guys is easy because there is nothing at stake, and the consequences if it goes wrong are much lower. Same with women they aren't interested in.

But to talk to a girl they like the risks are much higher. At best, it results in something more, maybe a relationship. But the consequences if something goes wrong are far worse. Say she rejects him. That's the best of the possible consequences. She rejects and he moves on. What if she's the vindictive, or entitled type. Then the consequences aren't just rejection, he could be labeled creepy, he could be falsely accused of something, there could even be legal consequences, if said false accusations are believed. And believe it or not, it's not uncommon. It actually happened to me once, years ago i confessed my feelings to someone from my work, she wasn't in my department, but I had seen her quite a bit and we ate lunch together a few times. And no I didn't do it at work, I met her in a book store. The situation was literally "hey, I wanted to tell you for a while that I like you and I'm interested in you". Her reaction was to laugh at me, say "eww fuck off gross". So I left. The next day she told HR that I had sexually assaulted her and was harassing her, and I was placed under investigation. The investigation bore no fruit because it never happened. Hell personally I'd end my own life before I did that to someone. But regardless of the Investigation results I was terminated because her dad owned the company. The lesson I learned from that story was to never, ever trust women. To always have a witness when I interact with women and to never ever be vulnerable with women... Granted this only lasted a short time, when I learned that not all women were that shitty, in fact most aren't. This was after I met the women who would be my wife.

So yeah. There are reasons men have a hard time talking to women we are interested in.

[worldscolide]

On that same token, out of respect for my wife and our marriage I still won't be alone anyone of the opposite sex.

[DishLady]

Hmm. Never ever trust women, huh? That's a tough one.

[worldscolide]

Well again it was only a short time I believed this. I decided I shouldn't let one shit experience color my perception of all women. Especially considering I met my wife right after that. I felt like painting all women with the same brush just because of the actions of one woman was just stupid.

[HollyK21]

Well, charismatic doesn’t necessarily equate to confident. Confidence is an internal belief in yourself, while charisma is an external skill that makes others drawn to you. You can be very confident but uncharismatic, or display charismatic social skills without actually feeling deeply confident inside.
With all this in mind, there is a “fake it” factor. It is entirely possible to have charismatic conversational habits, such as open body language, actively listening, etc, even when the person themselves are feeling internally insecure.
So when a woman that the guy would be or already are interested in joins the conversation, I’d imagine it’s a bit intimidating because now the guy is about to rely on other factors. Such as his confidence, if he didn’t really have it in the first place then his insecurity will automatically trigger in his mind: what will she think of what I’m doing or saying, does she find me attractive, am I too short, etc etc. These aren’t really things you’d give AF about amongst your peers but it’s added pressure when you’re actually hoping to attract someone.

[DishLady]

Parts of what you're saying don't really connect, but I appreciate that you distinguish between charisma and confidence. I frankly don't see why being around someone you like is a "trigger". Per your preamble, charisma = capacity for attraction, so where's the "pressure" to attract someone?

[HollyK21]

You don’t see how being someone you have a crush on could trigger feelings of insecurity? When it comes to pressure, I’d say it’s a mix of things: fear of rejection, evolutionary wiring, seeking validation, etc etc. I think the brain is momentarily distracted by social stakes, even some anxiety, self esteem struggles, this all adds to feelings of pressure. If you’re more of a confident person, even subconsciously, then these aren’t feelings you’re usually burdened with. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be subject to feel shy, quiet, or clumsy around a crush but for the most part you may just interact with him as you do with any of the people around him.

[HollyK21]

**how seeing someone**

[DishLady]

"Crush" and "like" aren't the same thing... and we're not talking about little kids crushing on some pop star, so... no, i honestly wouldn't use the term "triggered" (which implies a psychotic break or panic attack). A touch of anxiety or heightened awareness would be normal.

And "pressure"... is not a term I understand in the context of a simple interactive dialogue.

[HollyK21]

Respectfully DishLady, I feel like you’re splitting hairs with the whole “crush” vs “like”.

In any case, I’m not talking about some psychotic break and I’m not sure how there was any implication of that in the entirety of what I said, using the word trigger. By definition, a trigger is external or internal stimulus (like a sight, sound, or in this case, an emotion), that sets off a memory, behavioral response, or symptom. They are strongly tied to past experiences and often cause people—especially those with trauma, PTSD, or anxiety—to experience intense physical or emotional reactions.
As you saw, I specifically mentioned anxiety along with other emotions that I’d equate to being triggered in this specific sort of situation. That is all I’m talking about at the end of the day, how for some men who lack confidence, interacting with a woman they “like” can trigger that internal conflict and struggle.

[DishLady]

Tbh, at this point part of me is just curious to see how many more definitions you're going to toss at this question.

"Triggered" is a very specific term. Your generation tosses it around like confetti. Not the best thing to do.

A TOUCH of anxiety is not a "triggered" response. There's a massive difference, dear.

[HollyK21]

Because definitions are the facts, not my opinion. I can’t tell you what I think obfuscate means for example, I’m going to give you the definition of it so you can see what it means when you choose not to agree with the usage. You’re quite literally disagreeing with the definition of what triggered means. Like “external or internal stimulus”, such as anxiety, you don’t agree with? Lol, alright then.
In any case, we can agree to disagree.

[Spencer10]

OK I find it much easier to communicate more deeply to women rather than men. But thats just me.

[DishLady]

To all women or women you're "just friends with" as opposed to someone you're interested in?

[Spencer10]

Thats a great question. Sure i probably hold back when I meet a woman for the first time. But if she seems interesting and open I do find it easier to open up to her than most guys i know.

[OlderAndWiser]

Some guys - especially younger guys - feel that they are performing when talking to a potential romantic interest. They are working to create the best impression and not confident that they know how to accomplish that goal. When we get older, many of us realize we just need to be ourselves and stop acting, and so we feel less pressure.

[Cidknee]

Well, back when I gave a shit and talked to one of those that I felt attra lion to I was afraid of saying something dumb and sounding stupid. The way my voice sounds as well as what I say.

[Cidknee]

Hah, ha, that spell check. To bad they're not human.
Not attra lion but
Attracted

I tried spelling attra and it changed it to Attracted for me. Couldn't do it a minute ago.

[Staximus]

You can tell how attracted to a girl a guy is by how stupid he acts. if he acts like a complete idiot then he’s probably very attracted to her

[AgentG111]

They are not wanting to seem like a fool or idiot.

[CubaPirate]

Shyness and fear of a negative reaction perhaps

[Anonymous]

I'm not used to caring so much.

[slatyb]

It's not a challenge for me.