Can I really change my long-distance alcoholic boyfriend’s behavior?

[Anonymous]

I'm (F30) in a long-distance relationship for over a year now. My boyfriend (M32) is a very loyal man, and it's what I like the most about him, but he's alcoholic. He drinks and smokes every day. I know he won't listen to me when I tell him to try and quit drinking. It might be because he's lonely and he's been single for a long time and I'm in another continent so being with me doesn't really help. He told me that I make him happier and that he wants me to be around all the time. The thing is he's very, very vulgar. He cusses all the time even though I told him I don't like it but he would tell me it's just how he is. Two nights ago we were on a call and he called me a slur while he was super intoxicated. I simply hung up. He kept calling back and sending pleading emojis, telling me that he's sorry and how I know he's vulgar, and asking me to call him something worse. I'm really tired of his behavior and I want to change him for the better. Is this possible? I haven't talked to him ever since.

[Stevepro68]

Alcoholics in the classic sense are using intoxicating substances to supress deep emotional problem. Codependence research show that no matter how much you want to help the alcoholic it cannot be done by someone emotionally attached to the relationship. So sorry, yes you maybe that one in a million couple that is able to overcome substance codependence, but more likely you will end up either broken up. And\or one or both of you dead. Alanon and alanon type programs are your best tool to extract yourself. Saving someone else from alcoholism is a pipe dream. Only they can change their life and most don't.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to think it certainly is possible. I participate in more debauchery than I should, and I will definitely have to significantly change to be with the girl I'm pursuing currently. Once I get to the next phases of my life, those things will become too disruptive, especially of children come into the picture. I would tell him you expect him to slow down, if he wants to be with you. If he values you, he will try. His issue with being vulgar should be easy to fix. Hopefully your incident was a one time thing. Tell him to try and not speak like that around you. It might take time, but he would eventually make progress. Drinking or drugs are not viable excuses for bad behavior, ever.

[Calyptomaniac]

People are who they are and it's hard enough to change them in person. People on other continents can be up to all sorts of things and you may never know about some of them. Not talking to him after that is a good start. You have to be stern with him and he needs to see he has a problem moreso than just being told he does.

[OneViewpoint]

So he's a chain smoking alcoholic with a foul mouth but you want to stay with a guy who is everything you don't want in a man. Because you feel bad for him because he's lonely. Have you ever thought about why this guy is lonely? His self destructive behavior has probably burned through every friend he's ever had. He's in another country for crap's sake. What are you doing? Is it the best you think you can do? Addicts are parasites. This one has attached itself to you. Deal with the problem or become a part of it.

[darkcloud1945]

Having a couple of alcoholics in the family, I would say, do not even bother with a long-distance solution; maybe one out of a thousand will work. For about 40 years, all I heard was lies, excuses, and tons of bullshit at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with family alcoholics. I am not saying AA is not good or an option, but the person has to want to help themselves to start with. Marrying one is hell on earth if he is still drinking. Lots of luck.

[DryGermanGuy]

Most addicts need to hit rock bottom to get the desire to change and some not even then.

[OlderAndWiser]

A girl getting into a relationship hoping that she change the guy is one of the oldest mistakes in the history of the female universe.

[BonzoInBitburg]

Alcoholism won't be changed by anyone but the alcoholic. When he's ready to change, he'll change.

[In_Trance]

Think of how hard it is if you want to change something about yourself. It takes a consistency habit and discipline.
When you realize how difficult this is, you'll understand that you have no chance of changing anyone else

[Kevinvdd]

yes, change the LDR and start living together

[exitseven]

Give it up. you cannot change him. Only he can do that.

[Staximus]

Some guy you talk to on the phone and online is not your boyfriend unless you actually see him in real life more than once

[canamlusciouslad73]

You can talk to him, but only he can halt his drinking with help from AA and other organizations.

[msc545]

You cannot change this behavior, but you can ruin your own life trying.

[Jeff51]

How do you know he's loyal? Are you just taking his word on it? Find someone else.

[EmmaMary]

Just one word, two letters NO.

[Nikki1989]

Nope. They are the worst.

[slatyb]

No, you can't. Meet someone local.

[Anonymous]

What slur he called u?

[Asker]

"Arab cunt" I know it's bad. I'll end things with him once and for all

[Opinion Owner]

Wtf. It reflect he deeply despises you for being another race. Leave him

[HarveyLaw]

Yes... his language was incredibly rude and filled with contempt for her. I would strongly advise her to tell him to seek professional help and/or go to AA, and to leave this unhealthy relationship as soon as possible.

[Alex-Snow]

Why do you hang with the guy?

[AlphaRuler]

You should be with young men.

[jahaims]

Lmfao