Girls liking jerks versus nice guys?

[cheerangelcharity]

I just now found a question asking why do girls not like nice guys but instead end up with assholes. I very much disagree with that question but instead believe that it only seems that way and so I wrote a kinda long answer about that. Here it is:

1) people often remember stuff that doesn't make any sense and/or shouldn't happen. girls shouldn't want bad guys/assholes/jerks but some do and because of the ones that do many guys think that most - if not all - girls do.

2) guys who end up being jerks usually don't seem that way when they're first meeting girls they want to attract because, well, they want to attract them. they seem really cool and friendly until they got them then they show their true colors. unfortunately girls get attached to these guys and so they usually still want to be with them even with their jerkful ways.

3) nice guys are usually also shy and insecure guys. they hope that the girl they like likes them back, but they have a hard time doing anything about it and wonder why the girl isn't all over them. guys who are jerks are also usually very confident and, thus, easily get girls to fall for them.

I bet there are other reasons that it seems like girls like jerks versus nice guys but these are the main three that I can think of right now.

Do you agree or disagree?

I mostly - if not totally - agree

I mostly - if not totally - disagree

Updates

+1 y

I also forgot to mention that some nice guys aren't shy but rather overly-friendly especially to the girl they like, which usually is just annoying.

Updates

+1 y

a site I had just found that has good articles about these so-called "nice guys" who complain about girls not liking nice guys: link

[Poseidon17]

It's hard to define what a "nice guy" is and what a "jerk" is. Everyone pretty much has their own definition. You've pretty much summed up the overall situation though, how "nice guys" are usually insecure and not as confident as they could be. Then there are "jerks" who are good at flirting and picking up women, but will usually never commit or will end up dumping the girl. The jerks know how to get the girls, which is all you really need if all you want is a fling. I don't know if I'd call myself a nice guy. It isn't like I am needy or try to hard; and I don't shower girls with kindness in an effort to get close to them. I simply don't try because I have low self-confidence.

I think it has a lot to do with how the guy grew up and what his views and behaviors were like towards women. Guys who tried to "respect" women and were too timid to reveal their sexual desires became nice guys. The guys who were kind of immature, and more aggressive in behavior became the confident "jerks" who learned to attract girls.

I don't really consider the "jerks" girls talk about that bad. It is all about being a good judge of character. If girls want to stop getting involved with jerks, they have to realize that just because a guy is charming, good-looking, and confident, doesn't mean that they will treat you right or make a good relationship.

Girls only further the development of jerks, since whether or not you want to believe that girls go for jerks over nice guys, it is true ENOUGH that it is cemented in most guys' heads. I mean, I wish I had been more of a "jerk" growing up. I may have a clear conscious now for not using women, but if I could go back in time and act more like a jerk so I could learn to attract girls I would do that.

[cheerangelcharity]

I like your answer in the beginning, but then it got kinda sour especially when you mentioned that you wish you were more of a "jerk" just to attract girls.

[Poseidon17]

I didn't say I was a jerk, I said I wish that I had learned to be a "jerk" when I was growing up. And I don't mean "jerk" in the sense of treating women badly, just in the sense of being more assertive and not so timid that it keeps me from attracting girls.

[Poseidon17]

I didn't mean to sound sour, it just can get very frustrating...

[cheerangelcharity]

Okay. And I do know and wrote that you WISH you were more like that, but there's a difference between being a real jerk and being more assertive.

[Pelican]

I tend to agree with you. The nice guys/jerks thing is based in kernels of truth, but is also a massive oversimplification.

1) I don't understand your point/idea.

2) True. A lot of abusive/jerk/mean guys are also smooth and charming. They can hide their true nature at the beginning of a relationship -- and girls can overlook or explain away little red flags. I think that these relationships can often be abusive. Many abuse victims don't realize they're abused. So if a girl has an abusive family, she gravitates towards guys like this.

3) Tends to be true. Sometimes, "nice guys" are actually passive and, in their own way, just as manipulative as an abuser. They can be so accomidating and afraid of conflict that they seem lifeless and dull. They tend towards passive-aggression, and expect the world to owe them something due to their niceness. They're superficially nice, but have a lot of resentment. Like the article in the link said.

Let me add this:

4) "Jerk" is a matter of opinion. To a guy (or girl) who's a #3 "nice guy," a man who's not afraid to stand up for himself or express a bit of anger can *seem* like a raging monster.

[cheerangelcharity]

My first point was that, just like the news as the guy below you stated, people tend to remember the bad more and assume that stuff like that happens all the time everywhere. it may seem like the majority girls only want "bad boys" but that's only because we usually hear stories about girls who are with them.

and I'll admit that I tend to have the same characteristics as the "nice guy" as you described in point #3 because I hate conflict. but it's kinda irritating when a guy's like that.

[Pelican]

Thanks for clarifying #1.

On #3, I think niceness can be manipulative when people assume that "If I'm nice to Person A, they will be impressed and do/say X, Y and Z." It's called a "covert contract." Trouble is that Person A isn't aware how you see it -- so they don't do X, Y or Z, you feel resentment, and they walk on eggshells because they don't know why you're p*ssed.

Open, honest & direct communication is preferable for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

A lot of guys who call themselves nice guys fall under 2 categories.

A) They aren't actually nice and have honest intentions. They want to bang hot girls like the so-called jerks do, they just don't have any game. They think that pretending to be her friend and letting her walk all over him is the ticket to get in her panties. That's not nice that's just being manipulative.

B) Shy and insecure. You can be the nicest person in the world but that quality alone isn't automatically going to make you attractive. You have to be confident and comfortable with yourself. If a (good) guy was insecure and shy and became more confident, he would be the perfect man. Jerks attract girls because they have confidence and charm. They know how to talk to you, they are fun to be around, they are confident and THAT is what's attractive, not the actual jerkiness. Most guys don't show their jerky colors until the girl is already hooked, it's not like he called her a bitch on the first date lol.

[cheerangelcharity]

Totally agree! of course there are exceptions but unfortunately generally guys who are confident and have "game" end up being jerks but guys who do act nice are also too insecure or don't know how to make a girl they like any more than just a friend, which is why they usually end up in the friend category.

[Poseidon17]

I think for a lot of nice, shy, guys, (like me) the only insecurity they have is their confidence with girls. It isn't that I think I'm not good enough for a girl, I just usually don't know how to express myself in the right way to show a girl what I'm all about. Now that is MY problem and I need to work on it. What you said makes sense, but the thing I don't get is that apparently girls would rather go for a jerk who ends up treating them badly rather than taking a chance on a nice, shy guy.

[Poseidon17]

I didn't mean to sound sour, it just can get very frustrating...

[cheerangelcharity]

I know what you're talking about - much of my life I've been shy myself especially to attractive guys and I'm still sometimes that way [though am getting way more confident now] and I sometimes see guys checking me out but they often don't come around to approaching me. And unfortunately I'm too shy to approach them too but, like I said, I'm getting a bit better at it. Maybe you should try practicing to random girls whom you find at least a little attractive.

[xxangel1990xx]

Yeh I agree with you, unfortunately I go for the bad guys all the time because I think they're more sexier. Of course, they treat me like sh*t and I sitll stick around, I p*ss myself off lol. But they're the only guys who ever approach me-i wish all nice guys were more confident. Or I wish I was more confident and then I go could for a nice guy for once.

[cheerangelcharity]

I at first didn't really agree with you because you admit going for the "bad guys" but actually you're really like me: I ended up with jerks a lot in the fast few months cause they were usually the only guys to hit on and go after me. The ones who are "nice" are usually too shy to do anything to girls whom they find attractive/have a crush on.

[xxangel1990xx]

Yeh exactly! And now though I am getting tired of those bad guys so I'm just staying single lol.

[cheerangelcharity]

Me too! And I forgot to write but I actually try not to stick with those guys - especially when they act like they want nothing to do with me anymore - and now to get to know a guy before falling for him so I can tell how he's really like.

[The-Nash]

I think this is like the news phenomenon, what happens when you turn on the news . . . all you get is bad news - this place had a fire, that guy got into a car accident, this company laid off so many people, then the weather, then a quick war story, and something about children to end on a good note. Wtf is that, lol.

But that's like with relationships, you don't usually hear about the good ones. What do you hear "eww, they're so lovey-dovey; why don't they get a room, ugh. . . " When people are showing public affection.

Then there's the old joke about country music: what do you get you play a country song in reverse. . . you get you dog back, get your car back, get your house and your girl back. I know that's a joke, but what's it hinting at? It's pretty popular to sing about heartbreak.

But when something good happens, It's like, "Oh, that can wait, I don't have to tell so-and-so about that right now, everything's cool. . . "

I mean, there's a lot of reasons why you could say girls like the jerk/ whatever, but I just wanted to add this to the list.

[cheerangelcharity]

Another good answer! I've actually heard both about the news phenomenon theory, which is where I got my first point from, and the country music jokes, which also offend me. So people - especially guys - assume that girls always fall for the jerks because they hear girls complaining about their jerk husband/boyfriend/lover/crush. But it sounds like bragging if a girl talks about her wonderful nice guy and all because some girls are into a jerk doesn't mean that the majority of them are.

[Camilus]

I can see your point with bullet number 1 and I definitely agree with number 3, but number 2 I don't know about because from what I see, at least with women in their 20s and younger, a LOT of women seek out the jerkoff type of guys. Most of the guys that are "bad boys" have a style and mannerisms that you'd have to be blind to miss...they call it "swagger" now but that's really just a synonym for cocky/arrogant. You can't tell me that mature woman doesn't know the difference between a nice guy and a jerk.

[cheerangelcharity]

Thanks for agreeing with my 1st and 3rd points and in a way I do agree that "bad boys" do seem more exciting and confident than those "nice guys" which is always a good thing. However from my experiences many guys who have ended up being jerks have at first been really good to me - such as keeping in contact and acting really into me - just to impress me. Of course at first I didn't think that they'd be assholes at all which is partly why I fell for them.

[FrozenDonkeyWheel]

I definitely agree. I think the whole "girls not liking nice guys" phenomenon has been greatly exaggerated.

[cheerangelcharity]

Oh ya! What girls don't usually want are shy or overly-friendly guys, which are categorized into being just nice.

And shy=too afraid to either approach girls they find attractive or tell them how they feel and overly-friendly=annoying.

[Anonymous]

While many women (such as yourself) don't want an asshole, many clearly do.

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1592428-if-girls-women-don-t-like-assholes-why-is-50-shades-of-grey-so

[Anonymous]

You didn't really give a reason, Your just discussing what we know is Happening.

Us Guys understand why you like Confident Guys, But we cannot understand why you avoid Shy Guys so much and why you think Shy Guys are that bad.

Most of the nicest Guys and Honest Guys are usually end up being Shy and most of the Rudest People are usually Confident and I have even noticed them lying to Girls so that's what us Guys still don't understand.

[Anonymous]

I'm what you would call a nice guy at heart. But I act like a jerk to pick up girls and it works wonders. As for your points:

1. doesn't make sense

2. Being a jerk attracts girls.

3. Even confident nice guys get rejected because they are "friends." This happens because they will listen to what you have to say and that turns girls off.

[cheerangelcharity]

1. means that people tend to remember the bad more and assume that stuff like that happens all the time everywhere.

2. how does being a jerk attract girls, or at least most of us? I don't think girls think oh that guy's such as jerk and, thus, I'm attracted to him.

3. a guy listening to what a girl says does NOT turn girls off. if anything it helps attract girls, though guys shouldn't be overly-friendly and overly-attentive.

[Opinion Owner]

They don't think that but subconsciously it is true. I went for a while trying to pick girls up, talking with them and stuff and being all nice. Mostly unsuccessful. Then I started being a jerk. Made fun of them, didn't give them the time of day, etc. I wasn't abusive or anything. I started getting girls left and right. Most people talking about me would describe me as an asshole if they didn't know me.

Most girls will believe that a guy listening to a girl's problem is over-attentive.

[Opinion Owner]

Girls just have this idea of what they want. What they want and what attracts them are completely different.

In high school, I was the friend. Always. I wasn't overly-attentive. I just listened when they talked to me and that doesn't build attraction.

Then again, everyone has different views on what a jerk is. Definition wise it is a stupid person. I define it as someone who is irritating. Asshole-esque.

[cheerangelcharity]

Well I do agree that teasing girls does build some sort of attraction and also making them wonder if you're into them or not [same goes with attracting guys] but being a jerk who plays girls, lies, acts arrogant, etc. is not a good way to attract girls, the quality ones anyways. Besides, it's better to be a genuine good nice guy than an asshole just to try to attract girls anyways.

[Opinion Owner]

Are you serious? Have you ever tried picking up girls before? Assuming you are not a lesbian, probably not. The problem with girls on this subject is that they can say one thing but they don't have an idea on what they are talking about. I don't go around saying how to pick up guys because I have no idea how to pick up guys. It's not my area of expertise.

I don't lie, I am arrogant or self-confident, whichever way you want to see it, I don't play girls. They can call me if they want to.

[cheerangelcharity]

Well you're obviously "picking up" the wrong kind of girls then, and all because those girls like arrogance and jerkiness in guys doesn't mean that the majority of girls do. and you're probably not as big of a jerk as you think you are if you're admitting to not playing girls. oh and how many of those girls call you? if hardly any then that disproves your point altogether.

[Opinion Owner]

I get texts all the time. The reason I don't consider myself playing them is because I'll give them my number and if they contact me, we'll talk and maybe go out if they are interesting. And listen to yourself be all gung-ho. "wrong kind of girls." What is a right kind of girl? Are you better than those girls?

I'm only an asshole when I'm picking them up or courting them because it works. I treat girls properly in the long run.

[Anonymous]

The depth of the problem of "girls liking jerks versus nice guys" is analysed and clearly shown by a WOMAN in the youtube video link below!

[Opinion Owner]

The video is called "Douche Bag Math 101" by Susan Walsh from Hooking Up Smart. Com.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESYK8fCEHUQ