What's Been On My Mind

[Ozanne]

I waste my time in a world that doesn’t exist. Every single day, since I was young enough to process independent thought, I have been struggling in shame thinking that I have been doing something very wrong and have been so terrified to tell anyone about. All through my life I have been a different person, with a different name and a different life. I hid the person I was, or wanted to be from everyone and I want people to understand why.

Try to understand, I’m still me. I still have valid government issued ID and I know very well who I really am. The person I have created is a fantasy, an idealized version of me, and someone I willingly create in mind at different times of the day, and can snap out of at any time.

What I have is a condition called Maladaptive Daydream Disorder.

I have had this throughout my life and only in recent years started to do some research about it because I was living with the fear I might be actually be schizophrenic or have some sort of off-shoot from a personality disorder. This is nothing like either of those mental illnesses. In fact, this isn’t a mental “illness” at all, but a disorder that I control entirely. I want to be in my daydreams, and I choose to waste time doing it.

Maladaptive Daydream Disorder, or MDD is partially described as this from Wikipedia:

Maladaptive daydreaming or excessive daydreaming is a psychological concept to describe an extensive fantasy activity that replaces human interaction and/or interferes with academic, interpersonal, or vocational functioning.

It has also been described as fantasy addiction. Some older sources say it's brought on by trauma, but this is now being discovered as not true anymore. My childhood did not consist of any abuse. Far from it. It was happy and I was a normal child. In fact, I am a case where I had developed MDD when I was a toddler, perhaps maybe as old as four or five, who never experienced anything that the disorder had orginally suggested when it was first researched. I had a good childhood, and a normal life. It’s now being reviewed by Dr. Eli Somer, the Israeli psychologist who has been researching MDD for the last twelve years, that there are more and more people like me who have not been exposed to violence or abuse while developing the connection we have to our fantasy world.

Only in the last couple of years I have researched MDD, and ironically losing my MDD in the process against my intentions. I actually don’t mind my daydreams. But after realizing what it was, I began to come clean and tell my parents and my husband about what it is I know to be another world in my head. It’s just a place I go to when I feel bored or upset, as it has been a tool to soothe me during the times I feel that I needed it.

MDD has only been as serious as I allow it to be, but usually the times I daydream and refuse to shake out of it can affect my life or become an endangerment. These aren’t just fluffy, little daydreams that one thinks kids just engage in with imaginary friends. These are very vivid, cinematic, almost lifelike scenarios that play out in my mind. Imagine being in a movie theatre and watching something incredible. The scenes, the dialogue, all of it directed beautifully – and all my creation. And the star of the movie? You guessed it: me.

Though I can control my daydreams, and am completely aware at the time of having them, I've also let them run my life and at times put me in danger. Some negative effects include:

• Daydreaming while driving to the point of losing focus around me


• Daydreaming while at a social function or important meeting


• Becoming irritable when interrupted


• Choosing to take days off from work just to daydream


• Opting out of family or social gatherings to stay home


• Sleeping or spending too much time in bed


• Listening to music too loud, too often for a daydream trigger

I only share this because for so long, I had been so scared that I was some kind of lunatic, living some kind of private hell in my mind that I was too afraid to share. If I made any mention of it, some might have assumed I had some sort of dissociative disorder. I feared that I would have to be psycho-analyzed, put on medication, and told that something was seriously wrong with me.

Now that I know what it is, and reading it for some time now to know that I am not ill, I am relieved. I am sharing this because more and more people are coming forward and never knew it themselves that they experienced the same sort of thing. Perhaps this myTake will help those who share something in common with my experiences and know that they are okay and there is an actual term you can research now to dig further to find out how one develops MDD and if you choose treatment, how you can find it.

Finally, no two MDD cases are the same. One person will MDD differently than another yet the common problem remains, and that is it can override your time or even replace your real life -- all without anyone in your life knowing that it actually is.

[sp33d]

I have had more lives than my black cat, you are doing alright :)

Jokes aside, I can strongly relate to it. I had to create a false image of me in my teens to avoid being caught doing drugs (I managed to conceal any physical evidence well enough), the only difference was that I felt compelled to do it, but it stuck with me. I started imagining things in my life that weren't. I was afraid that I was going to lose my mind so I focused my efforts in realizing some bits of what I had hoped to be. Most of all I didn't want to be a parasite. The work a holic in me grew and then I had to serve my time in the military and my whole perspective changed, luckily.

Now I feel like I am doing 999x better for myself than I had expected back then, so I don't feel the need to escape anymore. (I am not sure whether you do it to escape reality or it's an inevitable reaction for you).

I have never been properly diagnosed by a shrink, except for the health screening in the military, so I don't know what kind of twists and turns officially exist in my head. Do you feel, for lack of a better word, underachieved?

[Ozanne]

I did it mainly because I was bored and dissatisfied with my life. At least that sort of MDDing happened in to my teens when I couldn't seem to get a boyfriend for the longest time. I'm not really feeling underachieved because I've done so many things in my life. I've traveled, enjoyed two careers so far, I've had my experiences in relationships, I have lots of friends, and I eventually married the man I always wanted to marry. I don't know why I keep doing it other than it just calms me down. It's like wanting to watch a movie over and over.

And FYI, not a lot of psychologists, therapists, or psychiatrists even know what this is. It's so new, and has been misdiagnosed a few times already. Even when reading about it, more people who were traumatized at a young age made professionals who study it think it only applied to them. Not true. Now more people like me are coming forward to let them know that people of non-abusive childhoods develop it just as easily too.

[simplyadorable]

I can totally relate. I didn't know there was a term for this. It is a disorder and not disease or syndrome. It makes me wonder if i have that too and here, i thought i was too dreamy and thinking too much. It can be in the form of escapism @sp33d or where the mind is overactive like @abundantlyrich said. Interesting read and good to know. :)

[LightsOff]

This is very interesting. I'm not entirely sure if this is something I have, but I do daydream a lot. Sometimes to the point where it actually feels like I'm *seeing* my daydreams and the world around me just becomes a blur. This also happens to me when I'm really immersed in regular thoughts. It's like the world around me disappears somehow. This also happens to me a lot when I'm at parties, especially at family gatherings. Instead of engaging in the discussion or listening intently, I choose to completely block everything out - noise, vision - and just focus on my inner thoughts and daydreams. Kind of like meditating but... not? I've never thought anything of it. I thought it was normal. Maybe I have MDD too...

[Ozanne]

I would look it up and read about others' experiences because they are all different. You sound like you have it too, if anything a mild form of it if you're not really sure this is you or not.

For me, I have another life in my head. I am consistently someone with a different identity and have an idealized look and way about me that is not like my real life at all. While having these thoughts or daydreams, I am also going along in our lives parallel to my life in the real world, living through the same affects that we all go through in the world including current events.

But it's also an addiction, so I will zone out and go to that life in my mind for what seems like several hours in a day. Maybe more at one time than another.

But what I've read about other people's experiences are all the same but different. If you go to a site like Wild Minds Network, which is a discussion group full of MDDers, you can read about what they experience.

[LightsOff]

Yes, I think I'll do some research. Your mytake was insightful but obviously primarily focused on your own experiences, and since you said that everyone has different experiences, I'll try to figure out if mine are related to MDD at all or if I just like daydreaming a lot haha. It's probably mild like you said, the daydreams I have tend to not be very specific. Kind of random and sometimes a bit fleeting. Like I don't have a set "storyline" or anything, like you have a very specific view of your daydream-self. It's not really something I'm addicted to either, I mostly just do it when I feel like I have the time (which still tends to be quite often). Very interesting nonetheless, it doesn't really matter to me whether I have it or not since it's not exactly something I'm tremendously affected by negatively. :)

[Ozanne]

It's such a personal disorder, because thoughts are just that: personal. I couldn't believe what I read when others shared their experiences. Some people are much more subdued and others have extreme over-the-top fantasies. Some fantasize about horrible things, others fantasize about wonderful things. No two people are the same, and all I could do was explain my own experience. But most people will say it does upset their lives to a degree because they often run away with their thoughts at inappropriate times.

I did this throughout all my jobs, and while doing mundane things outside of work. I'd do it in a crowd of people, but especially loved to do it at home, alone in my bedroom where I could close my eyes and disappear for a long time in thought.

[ClauseViter]

The facets of the mind can be a wonderful place to explore, but it's pertinent to recognize you are not actually in those fantasies but rather you see yourself in them. Gain perspective on your sense of consciousness and I believe you'll come to find that this world along with the ones you synthesize in your mind can be an amazing place.

[Toad-1]

I do daydream a lot, but definitely not to the point where i skip going to work or family functions.

But it is definitely fun to do and when i unexpectedly have to do something and i get interrupted i do get irritated.

I actually sort of created my own fantasy world and may even try to write a book someday. :)

[Stacyzee]

Wow , never heard of this.

You think it...
They have a medical name for it.

So much conditions out there that I can't keep up with.

This one seems interesting.
I'll def. read more about it.
Different diagnoses always fascinated me

[Bandit74]

A lot of this resonates with me, I'll have to look into it some more.

I always thought day dreaming was normal, but I fit pretty much all of those things you listed in bullets

[HookingSwan]

I had never heard of it before. Thanks for sharing.

[BurgundyClouds]

I didn't even know there was a name for this. Thank you!

[ThisDudeHere]

Not to be hostile but ''What's Been On My Mind'' followed by a relatively long text does not give much motivation to read your take for people like me who don't know you much...

[Ozanne]

It amazes me sometimes how much people need to be spoonfed an article when they read something. "Something on my mind" is a creative slant on what maladaptive daydreaming is. The fact it's been on my mind is also a play on words because of the topic. You don't need to "know" the author when they write a topic about a disorder. I would hope that when you read about it, that it's because you learn something about it. Almost all of my myTakes have creative titles. A fluffy take about what's been on my mind doesn't apply here, and I'm just sorry you didn't get that.

Honestly, I'm a bit disappointed that as a site Mod that you would even go to someone's Take to say something like this, *without* reading what the actual article has to say. Maladaptive Daydreaming is a disorder, hence what is "on the mind" of the person who has MDD, and that is the meat of the Take. Maybe if given it more than a few sentences you would have seen that.

[ThisDudeHere]

My point still proven - I didn't know you or your methods so I couldn't have been aware. And I posted with the intention for it to be taken as advice on how to invite readers. Now I, of course, realize that it's for naught but none the less...

[Toad-1]

Yeah im not sure why you didn't just skip commenting on it if you didn't bother to read it. thats all you had to do.

[ThisDudeHere]

@Toad-1 because why not?

[Toad-1]

Did you do it just for xper?

[ThisDudeHere]

As I said, I thought I was going to be informative. Now I know that I'm not, but what's done is done.

[Ozanne]

You: "My point still proven - I didn't know you or your methods so I couldn't have been aware."

And my point proven again too. You didn't even read something past the title, and just saw text and decided to comment on something very irrelevant, and my added point was that as a mod, you should know better. You're in a position on GaG to actually read things, and if I'm not wrong, to go in to a comment warning of how something would be taken as hostile is not exactly 'mod'-ish.

If I posted a title creatively (which I usually do) and write, "Bad blood between me and my sister" only to write about blood cancer in the family, with your logic, you would have responded the same way had I gone in to text to describe an illness. MDD and blood cancer are very different, I know this, but my point is that you seem to need to be spoon-fed a title and text in order to be happy. Most people would have ignored it or said they don't get it (which they have)...

[Ozanne]

But it takes a lot of guts to admit to even have MDD much less write about it to bring some awareness. And because MDD is such an individual case for everyone who has it, what’s “been on my mind” is not going to be the same as someone else who experiences MDD. Sorry to say, but I expected this sort of dismissal of even reading something through properly and insensitivity from a regular user, not a mod.

And what’s more. You admitted not to know me very well, but saw the title and wanted to read what you thought might have been figuratively “on my mind”. Obviously, some curiosity made you click to start reading, even though you don’t know me. Sorry to disappoint that it wasn’t about an opinion on something, but an actual disorder of the mind that doctors are starting to learn about just within the last few years.

[ThisDudeHere]

@Ozanne ok.

[KempisMC]

your OK, was polite and classy , I understand what @Ozanne said and I also understand her disappointment , its enjoyable people who can be direct yet there is no one armed in the cross fire. Ozanne , you are calm assertive, something I'm learning slowly.

[ThisBeautifulGirl]

I love daydreaming a lot simply because I can escape my reality and I love writing stories. I don't know what I'll do if I didn't have imagination

[KempisMC]

Thank you , a big thank you

[Ozanne]

I'm guessing that this touches you somehow? I'm glad it could help if it did. :)

[KempisMC]

I had just finished writing a poem in French or else I would share it with you. From what I can read, my situation is not exactly like yours , but as I read your amazing article , which is more than likely a piece of candid self , I had tears and saying it doesn't shake my masculinity one bit. I was speechless, first its not as if I was looking for a name for something I didn't understand , Since my daydreams are limitless if I let myself visualize them , right now I went back to read your article and too much to say and with something this intricate , my brain is way faster than my two fingers and it frustrates me to not being to express , well it not the inablity but the slowing down to have my fingers catch up, its frustrating, Not sure I am ready to talk about it and if I am, my finger /brain thought issue if so frustrating.

[KempisMC]

so many small typos , if for is and so on, but I know you know what I meant

[KempisMC]

I had just finished a poem about the darkest period of my life ( 30 years ago) But I held nothing back, there is just me in the poem, so nobody is a target , but still , I'm not sure I can post it where I usually post the others. My family and friend will be hurt , because they know and I know that they saw nothing and yet it was right in there face , that part will hurt for them ( I think )

[KempisMC]

deep down , I know I will post it , but its a special someone's birthday Saturday, so I'll wait for next week.

[KempisMC]

I knew and this confirms it again, I am definitely a sapiofile

[abundantlyrich]

Sounds like astral projection lol...

[Ozanne]

Isn't that something where you feel like you've left your body? That's not even close to what this is. It's just fantasy addiction and fully aware of one's fantasizing.

[abundantlyrich]

U can lucid dream

[Ozanne]

I have had lucid dreams. But that takes work. You have some mental exercises to do before sleep, then you need to sleep in order to have them. Once dreaming, you only have so much time to enjoy your dream. MDD means I have my thoughts anywhere, anytime, for however long I want to have them.

[abundantlyrich]

But you can manage between many worlds eh👆 maybe you're just mentally overactive

[Ozanne]

Part of having MDD is in fact being mentally overactive - to the point where it interferes with your life. Just like an addiction, I will prefer it over actually doing something "real". It also explains my creativity throughout my life. I'm not saying it's like this for every creative person. But I've written two books that have been published and both of them were banged out within a few weeks each, respectively. Two full-length novels of approximately 100K words. I already had their entire concepts and scenes mapped out in my mind and could experience it all as I wrote.

I get headaches *all* the time, and have since I was a teenager. It's all from the stress I put on my mind. When I was a child I always had stomach aches because I had such a vivid imagination I often worried about things that happened in real life, to the point where I actually got sick. I developed an ulcer at 18. I just never knew how to relax my thoughts.

[abundantlyrich]

Pisces? They are famous for being dreamy and starry eyes 😞

[abundantlyrich]

Or Aries?

[Ozanne]

Me? I'm a Leo.

[tenofthepeaks]

i dont get it...