Health & Fitness

The D Word and his Friend A: Depression and Anxiety from my POV

The D Word and his friend A: Depression and Anxiety from my POV

I'll paint you a picture of what anxiety and depression looks like.

It looks like me crying into a bowl of beef fried rice while I *mentally* tell myself what a shitty person I am.

It looks like me, completely overreacting to dropping my week old phone on the concrete and making a small crack, but its a huge crack and my oh my parents will be so mad. I had them spend money on this for me and now I fucked up.

It looks like me being senstive to getting told the snakes tank smells. Because so had a rough day at work. And I just wanted to come home to a comforting environment. And I'm going to come home to find my snake gone. Out on the street because I couldn't take care of her.

It looks like me thinking about how I'm going to lose my job because I suck at it because my bosses told me so, they didn't say suck because they were trying to be nice. But of course they wanted to say I'm terrible and fire me and they probably will fire me soon and I'll be broke a jobless again because who's gonna hire someone who just got fired. And then we'll fall behind on bills because I can't help and we'll go through foreclosure process all over again except this time actually get foreclosed and then well be homeless or forced to move back into the city to live with my step fathers parents and well get shot up because Chicago is ridden with gang violence and...

You get the picture.

It looks like that and more. And it looks like me telling myself "stop! you're being dramatic. just stop. its fine. EWBAITE. remember like weezer says "everything will be alright in the end"" But also telling myself to "fuck off with that positivity bullshit everything is shit and you know it. you're a ducking failure. Everyone knows it. Your mom, dad, job, boyfriend. Everyone. They just say otherwise to be nice. But we all know you are the biggest waste of space"

with an occasional "kill yourself loser" that I'm always oh so tempted to do but can never fulfill. Which ironically leads into "look at you. you are such a loser you can't even work up the nerve to kill yourself. what a goddamm joke you are"

Its me wanting to tell my boyfriend I'm not sure why he bothers with me. Why doesn't he find a good girlfriend. A better girlfriend. Someone with a brain. someone whos pretty. someone who can hold down a solid job, a good job with health insurance and a 401k.

Its me crying and getting angry when my dog wants to cuddle on his own instead comfort me when I'm sad. Because it reminds me of all the people who ever walked away from me when I had a depressive moment, the ones who said its too rough to deal with or its just in my head and I need to toughen up. Even though he's just a dog and he just wants to be alone and I'm not a burden to him.

Its me lying on job applications and to doctors because I dont want to be "that crazy girl"

I dont know. I guess I just needed to rant. If anyone ever wondered what it feels like to be one of the many people affected by anxiety and depression. There ya go.

my pretty [fucked up] picture.

The D Word and his Friend A: Depression and Anxiety from my POV
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