I am currently 16 years old. I was a diagnosed perfectionist a year and a half ago, when I was institutionalized after attempting suicide. About eight years before that, I was still a perfectionist. Actually, I believe my perfectionistic tendencies have worsened and continue to worsen my depression and anxiety, as of today. If you struggle with this, you know it's not exactly a walk in the park. But for those of you who don't know, here are the many things that contribute to my worrying.
1. Self-image
Everyday, I worry about my image and how you will judge me. In fact, it has given me the worst anxiety attacks and the worst depression in my 16 years of living. I can honestly say that because of so much worrying, I have become my biggest hater. Today I hate myself more than anyone on Earth because being my biggest critic makes me the most comfortable. Even if I knock myself down, I don't have to worry about anyone else's judgement, at the moment. This prepares me for future encounters with others, but it costs me my confidence.
2. Body-image
One thing that has worsened in less than a year is my body dismorphia. I weigh 96 lbs, on a good day, but I feel like the fattest person in the world everyday. It's gotten to the point where I can't feel confident or decent looking in any "cute" clothes without having an empty, flat stomach. It's even gotten to the point where not eating is an option and the preferred one.
3. Self-hatred
The though that everyone is judging you at every moment, no matter who they are, is exhausting. But being accustomed to this has caused me to hate myself and everything about myself. I have created ideas in my head that people will only like, listen to, and care about you if you are beautiful. Going outside is hardly an option if I don't have a full face of makeup on. Being strung out on weed to feel no care in the world isn't a realistic option. But feeling worthless and miserable is better than killing myself. Right?
4. This or nothing at all
I can't complete a course in school without taking super long on it because it needs to answer everything. I can't leave the house if my eyebrows aren't even. I can't look good because my stomach isn't completely flat. I wouldn't leave the house because I couldn't complete all of my makeup in time to go to school. I have talked myself out of joining a soccer team because of the though of being judged harshly. I have reached my lowest of my lows because I AM not good enough. If something isn't PERFECT, then I won't compromise. I kept trying to convince myself that I just have high standards, but this is just outrageous.
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