To Be Depressed

To Be Depressed

Note: Everybody experiences depression differently and your experience will likely vary. I'm writing all of this from my own, personal experience.

Depression isn't just feeling a little bit down every now and again from the odd blue day. In my experience, it's always with you. From the moment you wake up, to the moment you fall asleep. It's like a rain cloud over you, sometimes it'll drizzle but you'll get through the day pretty dry and okay, and other times it'll pour down on you and by the end of the day, you're soaked and miserable. I've been having a lot of miserable days and nobody to talk to about it anymore, which is partly why I'm writing about it because I just need to get it out somewhere cause it's weighing me down so much to keep everything inside. Maybe you're going through something similar too and can relate a bit.

To be depressed isn't always about feeling sadness. Sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's numbness. Feeling emotionally/mentally numb is by far the worst to me. Despite the others not being great, at least I can feel something. When I'm numb, I can't. Sadness, happiness, anger, excitement, nothing. It becomes a big fog, like I'm isolated from everybody, including myself. Everybody around me is living, but I'm stuck in a void, unable to live with them. It's emptiness, and not knowing when, if I'm going to feel something again just, sends me in a big downward spiral.

To be depressed isn't all about feeling bad mentally. It can be physical too. From aches to paints in your joints, to feeling fatigued and exhausted no matter how much you sleep, to feeling sick to your stomach, it's like a constant flu that you don't recover from in a week or so. There's the occasional good day, but it'll always return in the end.

To be depressed is having a constant inner voice that makes you loathe yourself. While everybody has an inner critic, this one tends to go above and beyond to make you feel horrible about yourself. Its goal is to wear down your self-esteem until you feel as if you're nothing, to feel as if you don't deserve to feel okay, as if you don't deserve to be here anymore.

To be depressed is becoming a good liar/actress. We're all growing up and everybody is busy. They have their own stress and worries, they don't need me to be an extra burden. If anybody notices I'm a bit down, it's become second-nature to just say I stayed up too late playing video games and am tired. If somebody notices I'm not replying and been a bit isolated, play it off as being spacy and forgetting to reply. If somebody asks how I am, I'm fine. I'm always fine. Others have it worse and they manage, to not be fine when my life isn't horrible would be selfish. I have to be fine.

To be depressed is having spontaneous mood changes. When you hear 'spontaneous mood changes' you might think of something like Bipolar disorder, but it can be part of depression too. It's going from feeling okay to hiding in the bathroom, sobbing on the floor because you suddenly feel miserably hopeless. It's lying in bed at night, about to fall asleep when you're overtaken by numbness and end up staring at the ceiling for hours, feeling like an empty shell that'll never be full of life again.

To be depressed is to lose yourself. I look back at old pictures of times before I was like this, and I wonder how I went from being a happy, care-free person to this. I wish so much I could return to being that person, but I don't think I can anymore. She's gone, and this is who replaced her, and if I'm being honest, I hate her replacement more than anything. I want her gone.

I really just want to be myself again.

To Be Depressed
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Unit1
    "To be depressed is becoming a good liar/actress."

    Bing-to-the-GO!!! This is it!
    I did say, that the depressed are not being understood. This is exactly what drives us towards isolation and not speaking to anyone about it.

    To Be Depressed

    I see a lot of overlapping things similar to what I have described in my own article about depression here Things, that mostly only REALLY depressed people will understand and why they are trapped in depression (detailed) ↗

    My personal downfall began as early as 12 years. I have never recovered from it and I never will. It is what I consider a disability.
    I sought truth and the truth is, that the truly depressed are entirely on their own. A team of one. A one man/woman army. Hence I named myself Unit1.
    No psychologists, no medications, no activities, nothing at all cures the high level depression to the latest knowledge as of 2019.

    It is a mental war during a time of apparent peace.

    To Be Depressed

    "I will keep haunting you in your wakefulness and in your slumber 'till the day you perish!" - Depression
    "Not if I drink you away with my 40%!" - Certain victims of depression
    "You cannot run or hide forever! I will return. Just you wait." - Depression
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Thanks for sharing your article, I hadn't read it before. Mine started around 12 too, and I have a feeling it's going to be a life-long struggle, unfortunately. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy, truly a miserable thing to live with.

    • Unit1

      You're welcome!
      There's more to it.
      I had the fortunate event of trying 2 psychologists free of charge to consult about my depression... only to find out, that even they cannot help. The truly depressed people are really absolutely entirely on their own.
      Some of their "remedies" are absolutely ridiculous. One of them suggested me to eat and drink healthy (herbal tea + honey) and getting a girlfriend in order to maintain what he called "a man's second heart"... 😒 🙄

      I see psychologists charging some money for hours in order to try to get the depressed some help. In a way I can say I didn't spend money to get to deal with psychologists and found out this lesson absolutely for free 💚

      I have tried Paxil (SSRI). I stopped taking them because they made me impotent and since I'm a sexual beast, that makes matters only worse.
      Then I tried Trazodone - my new favorite. Although pricey, it did help some but the effects came to a terminal end, where it didn't matter anymore whether i take them or not.

      So in the end I became one with the money. Money is absolutely everything for me. Money is practical and will guaranteed solve every single one of my problem - unlike the impractical and illogical religion (NO OFFENSE!!!).

      In the end I am 100% sure, that I would beat any psychologist. I am their real challenge subject.

      I see you said you didn't even wish that on your worst nemesis. This is one of the reasons why I'm childfree. Depression seems inevitable for most people. Since i love my non-existing children so much i won't even bring them into existence so they can feel burned alive in depression.
      But then again, i don't like children, so i won't even bother about it.

Most Helpful Girl

  • PSWOllie
    I like this thought I would like to tell you that I love how you explained what depression is in a great way and so people understand in a good way not in a bad way
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • SexyAshh
    Diet is a big game changer with depression as well as excercise, one reason i went into my profession.

    It makes a big difference
  • Aiko_E_Lara
    Time to bust this out. I'm glad I fount your mytake How I overcome depression. My advice to you ↗
  • Nice take
  • Anonymous
    This is a nice Take. Thanks for sharing it.

    Depression is something that simply cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced it themselves.

    I will just say that exercise and a really good diet can help a LOT. Good luck to you.
  • Anonymous
    I remember when i felt like that, my heart goes out to you, i hope you can find peace. I've had nightmares where my depression came back. So bad was the depression that it left me with trauma. it took me 11 therapists until i found a competent one, then in 12 sessions, i didn't have depression, i had days where i felt mildly depressed, but no where near how i used to feel. I hope you can find that same peace
    • Anonymous

      Thank you. I'm glad to hear you're doing better these days.