I just needed a place to ramble.
I woke up today in a good mood, of course I woke up at 12:20 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so that didn't last.
I had breakfast though, oatmeal, I don't usually eat breakfast anymore.
I drank though, it seems stupid, I drank a hard seltzer and then a shot, I wanted to drink more, I wanted to drink away the thoughts, I wanted to drink till that voice went away, the one that tells me I'm worthless, that I will never find someone, that my life will never amount to anything, that I will never be happy. I want to drink myself into a stupor, but I didn't, I'm not sure why I didn't do it, You know its funny, this past summer I was a functional alcoholic, I was working as a groundskeeper, and 4 nights a week or more I would get absolutely plastered, 3 sheets to the wind. I drank with people and I drank alone, I drank full bottles of cheap wine, I drank whiskey, rum, tequila, mezcal, Cider, seltzer, lemonade, fuck I drank beer, I don't even like beer I just drank it because it got me wasted, but I got up every morning I was scheduled and I worked my ass off in the sun, but now, now I drink a hard seltzer and a shot, get a minor buzz and I realize, whelp another day not sober, but then why did I not drink more, I don't know, I don't know if that's a victory or a defeat, not drinking myself into a stupor, but now I'm looking for a job and I'm just as much if not more of a mess than i was in maine and you know what I realized just writing this, I'm not a functional alcoholic anymore, its not that I'm not an addict, its just that I'm not a functional one.
But I don't know, I had lunch today as well, brushed my teeth too, twice already, that's a step up, I sometimes have a hard time remembering that one, went to the grocery store, saw that cod is less than 10 bucks a pound at the fish counter, must've been a good catch this year cause that's cheap for cod, I'll have to do fish and chips this week.
I took a shower when I got home and you know what else, what little tiny bit of selfcare I took that helped more than anything else and its going ti sound stupid, I trimmed my nose hair for what I think was the 1st time since late September, I used to be really good about that, I'd take the nose hair trimmer
and trim it down all the way every 2 or 3 weeks, I know its not what you are supposed to do but I always just got rid of as much as I could, I did that today. I feel so useless, the most helpful thing I did for myself mentally today was trim my nose hairs, god how stupid is that.
Anyway, I'm going to end this ramble, I've been downloading a steam game to my laptop that I realized I can actually use if I plug in a monitor (that's another topic entirely)
If you made it through this, thanks I guess.