Hi everybody I wanna do a mytake about the positives and the negatives but a lot of the positives are related to the negative stuff I'll talk about today so I wanted to cover this first :).
What it takes to function
This is the biggest thing. It takes about 60% of my energy just to be present and not be a mess. It can vary a bit depending on the environment and what I'm doing but it's always very high. the impact this has on my life is huge. Imagine every day you get up your brain studies for a test a big important test you have the next day and anything you do, you have to do at the same time as studying. That's kind of what it feels like. Imagine working a job while studying for a test at the same time and how tired you'd be afterwards. I worked 40 hours for 1.5 years but it felt more like 100. If I was just a little more autistic I couldn't function by myself at all, I got really lucky.
This is exactly what my head looks like in real life :)
Never enough resources
Because of this I'm always short on energy to do anything. The only things I can do that aren't that taxing are being alone in my room and:
watching stuff, gaming, writing, reading, sleeping, lying on my bed and thinking about stuff or going for a walk or run in the forest by myself.
Anything else is going to drain my tiny energy budget. No matter what I do there's always going to be a ton of things that just don't get done. I put a lot of effort into managing myself internally that's why I usually cut back on self management externally that's why I'm chaotic.
It sucks cause it feels like even if I make the right decisions in life I'm not going to get far because I just can't put enough into the execution. It's like playing monopoly or some other turn based game and you can only move half the distance of everyone else. It makes me feel kind of powerless in my own life and incompetent. I try to keep peoples expectations low because it feels really shitty to let people down and be seen as a child basically.
I like to have everything under control and feel like I can handle any possible obstacles or complications and I'm good at that in some circumstances. But it's not possible for me in life as a whole.
I think this is also one of the big reasons why I'm skeptical of my prospects for a relationship. I think anybody would be underwhelmed by the amount of stuff I do in a day and how I live my life. I struggle with taking care of my own responsibilities already so I don't think I can offer much to anyone. I've been able to make a ton of progress in so many areas but this issue with the energy will never go away. And my struggles also don't make me feel very attractive. I feel good about myself in a lot of areas but this one is definitely tough.
I don't wish for a different body or a million dollars but if I had a wish I'd just ask to be able to do more stuff without straining myself, just being more capable that would be nice :)
This might sound depressing af but there is a upside as well I'll write about it in my next mytake.
Thanks for reading and have a nice day! :)