I was emotionally broken for 18.5 years

[Lynx122]

I've talked about this before in some posts but I've finally completed the level. It's always easier to describe stuff when you look back on it than when you're still in the middle of it.

Trauma

I was always developing a bit slower but I was fine in primary school. When I got to high school though everything changed. I was totally unprepared for the social dynamics in high school I just thought everybody would be friends like before. Instead I got bullied.

Side Note, I don't know what world these people live in that write shit like:" Then I punched my bully and he never bullied me again." Cause in the world where I'm from the bully specifically picks someone to bully where they know they have the upper hand. I punched my bully and it didn't do shit.

It wasn't even what they did to me that was the worst part it was the realization that nobody gave a fuck about what was happening to me and I was all alone. Once this fact hit home something changed in me my emotions just got shut off in a way I put up a ton of emotional armor and I became a robot in a way. I just got through the day did what was absolutely necessary and avoided everything else. I hated going to school so much but I didn't know what to do. One time I saw these two guys make fun of this kid who brought his parents to school because he was getting bullied and I thought if I did that it would get even worse so I just didn't tell anyone. Whenever someone asked me anything I just said I was fine and hoped they would leave me alone.

On top of that, I didn't know that I had autism but I felt like something was off when I interacted with people. 80-90% of the time it was fine but the rest something just felt off I felt like I didn't understand why they would say something or why they reacted in a certain way. This made me even more defensive because people are unpredictable and I never knew if someone would turn on me or try to hurt me again so I was very careful.

In the beginning when someone would say something negative towards me, attack me or shame me it felt like it would just go right through me I didn't feel anything at all. It probably just landed somewhere in my subconscious but my conscious mind was totally unaffected.

Coping

My main coping strategy that I've used throughout my life is "The Box". Stuff was too much for me so I just made a box with all the stuff I could handle or things that I couldn't afford not to do and I lived my life in that box. Everything else just got ignored. Sooner or later I'd get comfortable in the box and I could expand it a little. That's how it works. The main downside is that you have stuff outside the box that most people are working on and you only get to it way later and it might be annoying. But the upside is you don't drown in misery and you can get through situations that would otherwise be way too much for you. Since My strength was rational thought and my emotions were already fucked up my box was only in my rational mind. This delayed my recovery but I was able to live life pretty normally. After 2 years I switched schools and I did my best to avoid becoming the target in my new class and it worked. Actually nobody was really bullied in my next school. But it didn't reduce my defensiveness.

How I felt

Even when I was mostly numb I could still feel a few emotions but only in everyday situations. Like as long as I would just talk superficially to someone, buy something, talk about a game we were playing during gym class it was ok but there were entire areas of myself that just didn't exist pretty much. I never thought about these things and if someone asked me a question about something I didn't know what to say. It was like a hard drive and I couldn't read part of my personality.

I used to get episodes where I'd wake up at night and my chest would feel really tight and there was also this vibrating sensation in my chest. It was like all the pain and bad emotions were leaking out of me or something. Because I never understood them or processed them this just happened once in a while to compensate I guess.

After years had past instead of feeling nothing most of the time I started to feel random flashes of emotions. It felt like the emotions were being transferred through a glass pane that had been shattered. So I just got small unconnected parts of the message that was supposed to be transmitted.

Healing

Over time the box that I talked about before kept growing and growing and at some point I reached the emotional side of myself so it was now also a part of the box and I realized that there were more parts to me that I hadn't explored yet and I started to try and understand myself and dig into what was going on inside me and why I behaved the way I did etc. This process started in 2016 and has been ramping up since then. When I was finally diagnosed with autism in 2019 it gave me a huge boost because I could understand myself and the issues I face way better and in the last 8 months I've picked up speed even more. less than 2 years ago I still felt broken inside and I wasn't sure if this was just the way it was going to be or if this was part of my autism that I couldn't understand my emotions. But now it's been 6 months where I feel whole inside and I can fully understand the emotions I'm feeling.

I've learned a lot about letting go of past pain, fear and anger. The situation where it happened and what the feelings are attached to are always different and I have to understand these things to be able to let go but the basic process is always very similar. It's always a fear from a past event that is affecting me today even though I can handle these things now. In the past I was always distracted by my unresolved issues and I couldn't fully be in the moment because these things couldn't be ignored. But now I feel like I can live without these burdens I feel so much lighter and I can be in the moment.

I'm even thinking about dating now, this will be one of my next challenges. I feel ready.

#MentalHealth #trauma #healing

[Holisticapproachsara]

I so respect u for this intake. It takes a courage for a man to say that he felt broken. No man at least in my life said this word. No matter how broken he felt.
I totally relate to u. I got bullied and sexually Harassed in school as well and developed PTSD. I turned from a happy full of life girl to a ruined person. I was seen as very pretty among my peers which brought a lot of unwanted attention and jealousy.

And right! U punch ur bully but then they just lurk there waiting to bully u again and have revenge. Bullies are like cancer they feed on evil acts. Very relentless. And they dont back down because the system helps them. The teachers stay silent. And even the authority.
I got beaten by a GUY. And i am a girl. Which nowadays is a big deal. But when it happened to me i went to the police. And u know what they told me? They told me u didn't die from the beating so we can't do much. Go to a doctor and if you broke a bone or so u can sue him.
i know exactly this feeling when nothing helps, and u run out of options and help to face bullying. and all whats left is endure..
i also went numb. Never reacted to any of the abuse. When i told my parents i was sexually harassed in school and i have PTSD now they also didn't do anything (again a system that serves the bully, make bullying a criminal activity with jail time and u will see a change)
in school i never cried, i knew things will get worse. I would feel that i will collapse. but i kept myself strong. I used to hide in girls toilet to avoid the guys sexually harassing me. I lived in fear and had sleeping disorder. Now i am in a better place than i used to be. Not the best definitely. But its not as deathly

[Lynx122]

Yeah same happened to me there were 4 guys each taking a leg or an arm and one guy wanted to stuff chalk in my mouth. They didn't manage it in the end because I struggled so much they couldn't hold me fully still I was kicking so hard with my legs but the teacher was there and just walked out. It's the feeling of helplessness and being alone that's the worst and also constantly being stressed and watching out for these assholes. I didn't get sexually harassed thankfully.

It's admirable that you told people even if they didn't help you it was the right thing to do. I just held it all in: My parents would have helped me but I just shut them out.

I hope you will fully recover and we can be full of life again. I still have some positivity left but it's also not the same as before. I'm in a good situation now in my life with good people so I am grateful :)

[Holisticapproachsara]

Yea its interesting how bullies gang up on someone. But no one gives a fuck to gang up to help. That’s really weird...
I used actually to complain about it. But at some point i stopped asking for help really because there was no outcome. I really have faith we can heal fully because hey we are still alive and well after all of that. Actually most of the guys who bullied me became later criminals. And they failed horribly in life. So somehow i feel vindicated. Stay strong my friend 😊

[Lynx122]

It's because it takes guts to stand up for someone else you could become the target yourself. And most people don't have guts especially when they're young so they just don't do anything. Yes you should feel vindicated :) I don't know what happened to my bullies and idc I feel like letting go is the best thing for me. I'm in a good place and that's all that matters :) You too stay strong :)

[shinnaeun]

Well, I’m proud of you, you did a good job pushing through your struggles and coming out even better which is an amazing thing because some people end up getting lost and don’t come out, but you did it and you’re doing amazing things. Congrats 🥳

[Lynx122]

Thank you very much :)

[YHL6965]

Honestly, a lot of what you have written describes my story pretty well too. There are a few differences here and there but it seems we have quite a bit in common. A big difference though is that, even though I thought my box would expand, it only got smaller as my tendencies had been to isolate myself.

I feel like I have not gone as far you have in terms of healing though as I feel I'm in that phase where I don't manage to take my focus off my burdens, my wounds. On the bright side though, I have started to accept more and more that I might be worth more than I think I am and experiences have only reinforced that. I have started going on dating sites and I have had much more success than I thought, and that helps tremendously when it comes to self-esteem.

I also struggle to live in the moment, to focus on the more simple things in life, to focus on what I have instead of what I do not have but I think I'm getting there, one step at a time.

Can I ask, how did you get diagnosed with autism?

Anyway, enough rambling, big respect for having the courage to share that openly and I wish you all the best for the future!

[Lynx122]

Hey :) You only get diagnosed when you hit rock bottom when you're not functioning as expected. As long as you're fitting in nobody will look at you hard enough to figure out that you're struggling with something. They just expect you to deal with it. If I had caused trouble during those 2 years, maybe I would have gotten counseling a lot earlier and it would have saved me a lot of time. But it only happened once I was struggling at university and my mom grew sick of me living at home. So if you want to know if you need help you have to seek treatment yourself nobody will ask you or recommend it unless you're a problem.

I'm sure you are worth more than you think you are. When you have thoughts like this try and ask yourself why do I feel this way? Try and dig deeper to the root cause of these thoughts. That's what I did, it takes a lot of time but it really makes a difference. And I've found the more you love yourself unconditionally the easier it is to accept things about yourself that maybe at first seem bad/uncomfortable. But it's important to do that. You can't live as half a person where you only accept the parts of yourself that fit your ideals and the rest is buried. And once you start accepting yourself more you'll realize that these parts are actually good too and it's not as big of a deal as you thought.

[Lynx122]

It took a long time for my box to expand as well. Most of my progress came in the last 5-6 years. I was struggling so much with administrative things in my life that I didn't have much room for anything else. But as I got help and learned to get it under control more it has freed up a lot of room for other things. Just find your comfort zone and then try and focus on one additional thing that you want to do better or add to your life. I always had a list of priorities in my head I didn't have to think about it that much. And I just tried to work towards that. I was horribly inefficient in the past and I was just derping around for the most part because I didn't have a grip on much of anything. Once you get the basics under control more it will accelerate your growth in other areas so much because you can build better with better tools. I don't know if you're struggling with this but that's what was holding me back in the past ^^

[Lynx122]

I wish you all the best as well. thank you :)

[YHL6965]

Thanks a lot for the advice! I really appreciate it! :)

[Lynx122]

Sure thing 👍

[devilman666]

Thank you for your story. I relate to this very much, I dont want to be rude and make this about myself but I feel the same way, like I'm in a box wondering how to get out, but also too scared too try. I've long thought that I have either autism or adhd, mainly because my elementary teachers wanted me medicated. Tbh I'm kind of scared to get tested though, part of me doesn't want to accept that I could autistic, the part of me that feels comfortable in the box wants to just keep things as they are now, just wants to pretend that if I ignore it, it isn't there.

[Lynx122]

It's ok I shared it for people who are going through similar things. Personally I felt very relieved when I was diagnosed and it made my progress a lot easier. I was never tempted to stop once I started pushing the boundaries. My psychiatrist even told me once maybe you should give up on your emotional side and just live with the rational one but I didn't want to even when it was broken it was still a part of me and I wasn't going to abandon myself.

I think we all slowly heal anyway so sooner or later you will be confronted with these things no matter what you do. I prefer to push myself forward and take on the challenges. I want to experience everything life has to offer and for that I need to get into shape where I can handle the things that I blocked out before. Doing something that you're handicapped at but finding a way to make it work only makes it more awesome, impressive and inspiring don't you think? :) And then I can share my experiences to help other people and show them what's possible, what's waiting for them if they keep going.

[Lynx122]

You're still young as I wrote the process only really begun for me when I was 25/26 and I've wasted so much time in my life it's uncountable but the important thing is to find some kind of direction you want to move in some kind of goal that you think is worthwhile and then no matter how many times you fall back out of your rhythm and no matter how much time passes till you start your next attempt the important thing is you never lose your will and you'll always try again. And when you do that over time slowly you will figure shit out. Maybe you'll need help but things will slowly fall into place you'll get better at the stuff that pisses you off the most and slowly it'll become not that big a deal and then you can focus more on stuff you want to accomplish and the obstacles that come with that instead of the basic shit and it'll be good.

It's all up to you just take your time but long term staying in the box is not gonna be what you want I'm pretty sure.

[Lynx122]

Sorry if I was preaching too much lol

[psychoticanimaIIover]

Sorry for what you went through. I honestly think school environments are one of the worst atrocities of the Western world. Why do we continue to see this environment as acceptable when it wrecks the lives of millions of kids each year? We wouldn’t accept that behaviour in adults, so we shouldn’t accept it in kids either. And they rarely ever get punished enough for their actions - it’s always the victims that suffers for the rest of their lives with the debilitating anxiety and self-doubt they’ve caused, and the bullies just go on and live their lives, no manslaughter charge for the life they took, not even some community service.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Life can always seem like an up hill battle, but you seem to have the
"Warrior" strength to get through it.
When you do start dating, I hope you find your warrior princess 🙂 to help you battle the ups and downs of life..

[Lynx122]

Thank you so much that's very sweet :)

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

🤗🤗

[N192K001]

Good for you! I'm glad you've overcoming these challenges. More power to you!

[Lynx122]

Thanks!

[SavageGirl101]

You go GIRL!🥰

[Lynx122]

Thanks girl ^^

[exitseven]

You are a survivor.

[yucel_eden]

Good shit mate.