Health & Fitness
Interview

The motivations and thought process behind self mutilation

TW: Self Harm/suicidal ideology

An in depth look into the motivations behind self mutilation in a 17 year old girl.

The motivations and thought process behind self mutilation

She clicked the lock on the bathroom door and leaning up against it, slide down onto the white tile floor. All the hurt, all the pain, the anger, resentment, and fear run hot down her face in silent tears as she reaches her braking point. Letting that mask worn for all those who see just fall away. Pulling her hoodie off she traced the ridges along her left forearm, some still tender, the breaking points where the constant pain felt was brought to the surface. She turned the shower on as hot it would go and let the warm steam fill the room then returned to her corner on the floor. The pain she felt but cannot describe, radiating from chest through out her body causing it to shake with silent sobs.

A distant part of her mind realized how much she hates crying, messy and not so easily hidden. With vision blurred by tears she pulled the razor from her pocket and held it in hand. The hurt, the shame and confusion of not knowing why she does this, but some how physical pain made more sense.

She closes her eyes leaning her head against the wall and pressed the point against her wrist. It's a sharp pain, something describable, something tangible, something that makes sense. Opening her eyes to vision that has cleared and dried tears. She pushes harder feeling the blade puncture skin and watches as a drop of blood rises to the surface. Slowly she begins to drag the blade against the surface of her skin. Teeth gritted, the pain is sharp and clear, some thing that can be touched, something that can be controlled, but more importantly something that will heal. Breathing deeply she savors it. Nothing else matters in this moment, no one else exists. An icy clarity and sense of calm washes over her endorphins flooding her blood stream, closing her mind off from the rest of the world. She lifts the blade and watches as the blood slowly runs down the wrist and pools in her palm, entranced by it.

The ache in her chest is still there but now is dulled by the throbbing in her arm, she presses the blade down again this time anger overrides sadness. Anger towards her parents, anger towards those who said they loved her, but most of all just anger towards herself for trusting, for feeling.. for this. She pushes the corner into her arm again but this time the pain is masked by adrenalin. Pushing harder this time, the words that cut deeper than a blade could came to the surface along with the blood.

" Slut! Whore! Weak! Not good enough! Ugly! Rejected! Unwanted!" What she feels and the words seem to dissolve as the blood began to drip onto the floor. She stops realizing that she is holding her breath and tosses the red tinted blade into the trash beside the toilet. Physically her arm throbs, emotionally she drained. Leaning back against the wall again she just breaths, the air is warm and moist and the white tiled flood now dotted with red is cold. A distant inclination to cry but no tears would come.. all she feels is.. numb, distant, cold. If it weren't for the pain in her arm she could have completely drifted away from reality. As she sits time fades and blurs together, not thinking about one thing or another just listening as if some voice would speak up in consolation but instead the sound of water running and her heart still beating offered little in the way of comfort.

She hears the bedroom door close, her room mate is back. Quickly she rinses her arm off in the shower and wraps her wounds before donning the hoodie, shutting off the water and flushing the toilet before opening the door.

"Hey how are you?" The roommate asks taking off her coat. She smile donning that mask once again,

"I'm fine."

The motivations and thought process behind self mutilation
Post Opinion