Since this is a controversial and sensitive topic, I would kindly ask you to be civil and respectful in the comments.
I recently had a 1st trimester miscarriage and wanted to tell you about it because I believe that we can all learn valuable lessons from my situation.
Some background information
I'm pro choice, but only have been for about 3 years now. When I went from pro life to pro choice, I did a lot of research about abortions in my country, about the laws in place and the medical procedures involved with abortions here.
I will say that in my country, abortions are only legal until the end of the 1st trimester (until 12 weeks of gestation). The two options available are medication abortion and surgical abortion.
I realized I was pregnant at 5 weeks. My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for 2 years, we always use condoms and I also used the pill in the last 6 months, though I didn't enjoy the side effects of it and had been looking into getting a copper IUD instead.
We were both extremely stressed, had been sick for about a month before I realized I was pregnant and had only had intercourse once that month, while using contraception. Unfortunately, both contraceptive methods failed us and hence the test was positive.
I understood why you can't convince women to "say yes to the baby/to life"
My first thought was "this can't be happening". Our parents are both extremely religious and since we're not married yet, my parents would disown me if I decided to have a baby before getting married.
We were both really shocked at the positive pregnancy test and started to cry. It just wasn't in the cards yet, I don't want to have kids, my partner respects that wish and so we decided to take advantage of a pregnancy councelling service in our region.
The people there were very kind and simply listened. At the end, we were certain we wanted an abortion, because even with support from social welfare, we would have had such little money that it would've been very difficult to raise a child, let alone finish my degree.
I realized that there's circumstances which no baby, no child should be born into if you can prevent it. That's why we decided an abortion was the mature choice for us and that out parents' opinions wouldn't matter because we couldn't, with a good conscience, decide to have a baby right now.
Deciding to have a baby or not is so personal, there's nothing anyone could've said to make us change our minds. We followed the advice we got from the psychologist at the counselling service, to imagine what it would be like if we had the baby and what it would be like if we decided against that path.
It wasn't an easy decision whatsoever, but in the end, we had come to a conclusion we were both comfortable with.
I understood that the physical effects of pregnancy are no joke
I was quite lucky because I had absolutely no morning sickness. I still had what felt like period cramps for more than a month (my obgyn told me that this was perfectly normal), mood swings, lost my appetite entirely and randomly had to throw up a bunch of times, which wasn't great.
I was also tired all the time and couldn't keep up with university. I stayed in bed for a good 3 weeks because I was so exhausted from all the appointments I had to go to (the councelling, the obgyn, health insurance,...).
When I went to my obgyn to confirm the pregnancy, she couldn't see an amniotic sac (it was too early to see an embryo), she could confirm the pregnancy through other tests, but she told me to come back in 2 weeks to make sure we'd see something before we could think about an abortion and how to best approach it.
At that point, she wasn't certain that there was no amniotic sac or embryo in my fallopian tubes, so I had to go back for a second appointment anyways.
The miscarriage/abortion pills
Two weeks later, I went back to the obgyn, she looked at the ultrasound with a concerned look, showed me the amniotic sac (there should've been an embryo visible at this point) and told me that the embryo had a developmental delay of 3 weeks and that it's possible that my body will get rid of the embryo on its own. I went numb when I heard about the developmental delay.
I hadn't considered how difficult it would be to hear that something isn't right with your embryo/fetus/baby during the pregnancy, no matter if you wanted that pregnancy or not. I went home, cried my eyes out and decided I had to do one small thing that day to be happy, so I went grocery shopping. While I was out and about I started to bleed rather heavily and freaked out, called my obgyn for an appointment the next day to see what was happening and tried to manage the pain and bleeding.
The next day, my doctor told me after an ultrasound that I had had a miscarriage, but that it would be wise to still take the second abortion pill to make sure all of the uterine lining got out if the bleeding didn't intensify. I monitored the bleeding, and since it wasn't how it should've been, I was administered the second abortion pill, which makes you cramp quite heavily, to make sure I wouldn't get an infection or even sepsis.
Even if you have a miscarriage, it can be necessary to still have a medication and/or surgical abortion, if you don't, you may develop an infection, which can have very, very serious effects. Listen to your doctor, and fight for the right to abortion, because it's a vital health service when you have a miscarriage that doesn't develop the way it should.
Our relationship is different now
It would be a lie to say that our relationship hasn't changed. We were different people 2 years ago. Nonetheless, I'd say that the pregnancy, including the planned termination and the miscarriage, brought us closer together. We had many deep conversations throughout this process and were really there for each other, which is important when life hits you when you least expect it.
I was a terrible girlfriend while I was pregnant, I genuinely felt as though I was possessed and thought about committing suicide many times, because I couldn't take the stress, intense emotions, the constant pain and knowing that I couldn't tell a living soul. Journalling helped me get through this period of my life, I reflected and pondered on each step in the process.
Please don't judge others for having an abortion. It's not a decision that people make on a whim.
Some people should never be parents. Open/closed adoption is not a solution for every pregnant person.
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