I am a rape survivor and my boyfriend has a rape fantasy. Can someone explain the attraction to this kind of fantasy?

[Anonymous]

In 2014 I was sexually assaulted and almost murdered by a boyfriend. I have C-PTSD from that. I didn’t date after that for well over a decade until I met my current boyfriend. We’ve been together for a year and things have been going great, that is until last night when we were talking on the phone about our ultimate sexual fantasy and he told me that his is a rape fantasy. My heart stopped and I had a full blown panic attack. The flashbacks came flooding in and I got physically ill. He said he knows my trauma and that for him that fantasy is more about power dynamics and having ultimate control and making the woman do what he wants. I asked if he has ever enacted this and he said that he has never told another partner because he would feel judged and with me, he felt open to do so. He said it is something he wants to reenact with me. My whole body tensed. I told him that I could not be brought back to that place where I was assaulted, tortured, and almost murdered. He said that he understands and that he wants me to feel comfortable, and that maybe we could tweak the fantasy to not be so rough or triggering. I am still very unsure about this. One thing that keeps bothering me was the fact that he kept asking me questions when I first told him about my rape that left me feeling uneasy, like “did I orgasm during the assault?” He said he asked because he read somewhere that the brain says no but the body says yes in some cases. This bothered me. I kept wondering if when I was telling him about my trauma if he was secretly getting off on it. I kept thinking about the whole interaction last night and could barely sleep. I was afraid to close my eyes and when I finally did, I relived my trauma over again but this time my current boyfriend was the one hurting me. I woke up in a cold sweat and was crying. I love my boyfriend but I am unsure if I can feel safe intimately with him again. I guess I just want to understand why people find the rape dynamic appealing.

[RavVid]

I'll try to explain it

Much of sex is inherently male dominant and most positions necessitate the man to be dominant which by extension means the woman is submissive. The man penetrates and the woman is penetrated excepting cow girl.

The male sex impulse is more of a flash whilst the female sex impulse is more a slow burn. We can penetrate and ejaculate in under a minute when we have the imperative flash whilst the average woman takes 15 mins to orgasm.

For me, at least, the most intense sex is when I feel the flash of desire and I penetrate and ejaculate inside a minute. All the high notes are happening all together. Most time I am considerate and actively want to extend the pleasure for as long as possible and to enjoy my girls' arousal and orgasm.

Sex obviously needs to be instinctual. Our sexual circuits are in our limbic (unconscious) brain and our conscious brain gets substantially shut down during sex. Deeply instinctual and all the better for that.

I think it is reasonable that sometimes it is more for my pleasure than my girl's since most of the time I am coaching her to arousal and orgasm.

Put together, sex is mostly male dominant and it is deeply instinctually satisfying to men to be dominant and occasionally we want the pleasure of short sharp quickie.

But then you have been raped in real life. One of my girlfriend's had been sexually abused so with her I kept it toned down. To avoid the ramifications you described. But I was still dominant.

Your boyfriend should be mindful of your past trauma and realize that play rape might not be for you. You should - and think you are via this question - realize that play rape has some deep instinctual roots for men.

It is OK for him to ask but it is also OK for you to say No. In time you might enjoy it but perhaps never. You can still have excellent sex without touching consensual non-consent.

It doesn't even have to get to the level of play rape but can be merely him compelling you into sex which is otherwise known as pestering. As we write, many men will be pestering woman into sex around the world.

[InknKink]

Honestly, you need to ghost your boyfriend. You might love him but you still need to run. He's not healthy and you're setting yourself up for more trauma.

I'm signalling a danger alert. Please take that seriously. He doesn't care about your mental and physical health. He doesn't care about your comfort or security. All he cares about is his ability to manipulate you to achieve his own ends.

Leave him. Today. Not joking.

...

As for explaining the rape dynamic...

The female side of it is about removing guilt and about desirability. Commonly, it's about a woman being so desirable "everyone wants me", that someone is willing to risk anything in order to obtain the object of their obsession. It's not about the force, it's about being desired. While also being about dissociating guilt from sexual pleasure.

The male side of this kink would be that it focuses on a power play dynamic in which the male is able to override a woman's thought desires, "I don't want this", and force pleasure "but my body wants it". It plays to a common male desire in that it enforces competence.

In essence, rape fantasies are a desirability fantasy with women focusing more on a lack of culpability while men focus more on power and control.

...

but again... your boyfriend is a manipulator. He doesn't care about you. He is attempting to manipulate you and use you for his own pleasure. Your emotional and psychological health mean absolutely NOTHING to him.

You being a rape victim, that's an amplification as far as the male side of the rape fantasy goes. I would not be surprised if your boyfriend is a real predator with an active history.

[Asker]

Thank you for your comment and all that you wrote. I am taking your advice to heart.

[Agape93]

It's a power kink. They want to feel in control of someone who resists at first, but grows to enjoy it. That's usually how it goes.

[WellBye]

He’s basically saying, "Someone else raped you, so why can't I?" Don't let his fake empathy fool you, just kick his sick ass.

[Smart_Monk]

Where is the sympathy? Saying he wants her to feel comfortable while he rapes her?

[Massageman]

If it bothers you, it's time to move on. If not, have a safe word- at least.

[OneViewpoint]

WOW, talk about not reading the room. Your boyfriend is a special kind of clueless. Some shit you just take to your grave. His rape fantasy is one of those things where you are concerned. If he doesn't understand that in his mid 30's to early 40's, he never will.

Did he have any awareness of your past or was he just babbling a fantasy with no clue who he was talking to. If he knew and started daydreaming out loud to you, he's a selfish idiot. If not, then you need to explain to him what that did to you and how that's never gonna happen.

[Asker]

He knew about my past. I told him everything that happened to me.

[ChicoFromThe305]

No lie I think he's being pretty selfish, he isn't thinking of you trauma at all, and I know this because I talked to a woman that God raped before and I never felt comfortable talking about sex or anything sexual with her cause I felt like it would do exactly what you said, bring her back to the trauma, I think he was getting turned on by your unfortunate event and I find that disgusting, personally I think this is an incompatibility, but if you feel like you can make it work then the choice is yours but my personal opinion would be to never feed this fantasy of his, I also believe anyone that has this fetish is just a rapist in the making.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Got raped*

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

The fact that he knows about your trauma but still brings his own fantasy on the table, repeatedly, AND the fact that he questioned you about sexual pleasure associated to rape means:

• He understands the events on a cognitive level only, he doesn't relate nor connect to suffering. That's concerning.
• He is attracted to suffering. That's even more concerning.

[Jessica405]

I think it is simply the need for power over a female. A guy forceing himself on a woman.

[jahaims]

Look into cnc and you can read what both parties enjoy about it

[TonyMetal___86]

Sexually assaulted like what? Did you get raped?

[Asker]

Raped, tortured for hours and almost murdered.

[TonyMetal___86]

WoW, i'm really sorry!
Can you feel that you can trust men again, or you have some fear and doubts?

[In_Trance]

Your boyfriend can probably explain it

[Sal_Monella]

Run for the door.