How much weight do you put into this belief?

[Anonymous]

"All women become like their mothers" Obviously it's true for some but not all. Just like some guys become like their dad and it is not always a good thing. Thankfully my brother did not turn out like our dad. Anyway, how often do you judge a girl by her mother? Just curious because my mother and I could not be more opposite and I will never turn into her. I make a conscious effort not to even though I probably don't even need to try. My mother is a narcissistic, angry and abusive alcoholic. I hear this saying but it never seems to be an issue in my dating life so I am curious to see how many guys make their decisions on girls based on this. It's kind of funny how this saying was started by a gay man.

[MrOracle]

Alcoholism is a genetic trait - some people are genetically pre-disposed to addiction, and others aren't. That's why some people can have a drink or two with dinner and be fine, while others can't have a single drink without continuing to drink until black-out drunk. Being that it's a genetic trait, it is often one passed on from parent to child, as are many other traits.

For that reason, it's natural and normal for people to be cautious about girls who have a mother with issues.

Part of it is also environmental. Chances are, whether you know it or not, and even if you actively reject your mother's behavior and attitudes, that you have been influenced by her in ways you haven't discovered yet. Some of those could be positive things, and some negative, but you have to look out for the negatives and be willing to recognize that some odd-ball behaviors you might have that "don't seem like you" probably come from your childhood experiences with her.

That doesn't mean that such issues can't be overcome, but the fact is that most people have a hard enough time even recognizing and admitting they have a problem, much less doing the work it takes to change. And THAT is really why people tend to warn others about "the apple not falling too far from the tree."

Again, don't take this to mean you are doomed to be like her; you aren't. That's just one possibility, and there are other possibilities as well, and YOU have a whole lot of control over the choices you make and the paths you follow. Just don't take those choices lightly, because if you make a mistake, it can be very costly, in time, relationships, and other things that you can never get back.

[Asker]

No one is more willing than me to recognize the effects of being raised in that environment and understand how it can affect me, what I can do to change and follow through on that change. Nobody is doomed we make our choices and I have definitely made mine and mine is to not let my past rule my future. I do understand what you are saying. I guess my question is more do you give a girl a chance first to see if she is like that. I don't judge a guy if he has a douche bag of a father.

[MrOracle]

I will always give a person a chance to be an individual and to have overcome whatever might be in their past. Sure, if I'm AWARE of their past, I'm probably going to be on the look-out for problematic behavior that might be related, but even then, if they are actively working on it, I probably won't dismiss them as a possibility. If they have issues and aren't or won't work on them, THEN I'm likely to walk away.

[Asker]

I am the same way. I get to know a guy well enough before ever meeting the family that I can tell a lot about him already. At that point I have already made up mind whether to pursue this guy or not. I guess most people do that..

[Anonymous]

i personally wouldn't pay any attention to what her mother her is like to determine what she will be like

[Asker]

So you are one of the smart ones. I tend to attract guys like you, either that or once they have known me well enough they can see I will never be like her.

[Opinion Owner]

i only judge the person from what I see from them not one of their parents

[Asker]

Like I said you are smart.

[Opinion Owner]

thanks :)