Help? I need someone to listen to me. I just need to get this out.

[Anonymous]

I've never told anyone this or written it down before but I need to let it out.

I have been struggling with an eating disorder for two years. Nobody knows.

I started restricting heavily after I injured myself from exercise trying to go the 'healthy route'. I had gained weight over my time at university and I was feeling horrible about myself. But after I started restricting I eventually lost almost 30 pounds. I got down to 99 lbs (I'm 5'4) at my lowest weight and it honestly felt like such a huge accomplishment. I became vegan so I assume everyone thought the weight loss was just normal.

I kept my weight down but in the past month or so I've gained some weight because of stress and I haven't been able to control myself and I'm now 105 lbs. Part of me feels like I'm fat, disgusting, I need to lose 5 lbs, I need to stop eating, but another part of me knows that maybe it isn't right? But I can't convince myself that I'm okay the way I am right now, at this weight. I'm ashamed of myself and scared and I want that weight gone so badly, I feel like everyone can see I'm heavier.

I just don't know what to do. I can't tell my mom because she's so judgmental. She triggers me all the time by talking about people's weights but she doesn't know she's doing it. My only friend lives far away and I don't have anyone to talk to. So I just really need some reassurance right now.

[Ildskf]

From what I've learned in college... eating disorders are a lot about needing to have control. You are def not heavy at all... I'm 5'4" and weigh about 10 lbs more than you... and I get told I'm too skinny all the time. Your body needs to have a certain percentage of fat in order to function healthfully... women tend to have more fat then men because it is needed for child rearing... you are underweight...

I think it is imperative you get help from a professional as soon as possible because eating disorders can be deadly. I'm not suggesting you tell your mother if she won't be supportive...

If you go to college your university should have a counseling center... I'd suggest checking that out... if money is an issue there should be places near you that charge on a sliding scale based on affordability.

I hope you get help as soon as possible.

[sweatgirl]

welcome to my world! I have had some kind of eating disorder since the age 13 and I am now 37. I was scared to tell my parents too, but as I was loosing more and more weight I had to tell my parents. I stopped getting my menstrual cycle at a very young age and now I am paying for it. ate age 23 I was diagnosed with osteoporosis which this is not normal at all. I would reach out to a school counselor if your a student or call the Renfrew center who call also help you. you could probably find them online. Don't wait before its to late.

[randomocity]

everything will be ok, I felt the same way for awhile and i stopped eating a lot. (did not help much though) During the summer i gained 15 pounds, 5 pounds a month. since then i have gained 5 more but over a way longer period of time and losing some of the original 15. I am 205 at 6 feet and one inch, so i have a bit of a noticeable gut but not too bad. Now think about it, im 205 and im not exactly fat but it is there, but your just over a foot shorter then me and way 100 pounds less. With just that i can assume you are a beautiful women. You dont need to eat if you feel down or bored, find something you enjoy doing and do it and if you want to ill talk to you. ok?

[SüßeJäger]

There's nothing wrong with that weight sweety! I'm sure you're beautiful inside and out. I think if people did notice they would say she put some meat on her bones and she looks great! Good for her. That's what I would say :)

[Zendrya]

Well for example, I am 5'1" maybe even less and I am 110 pounds So that being said I am bigger than you and I am extremely petite. I got a little chub on my belly but once again i way more than you and I'm shorter. You sound beautiful and even a bit more weight wouldn't hurt you at all. Men like small girls but small with curves is what makes you sexy and without a bit of meat your bones you won't have those sexy curves. I suggest you go on a healthy diet. You can eat and enjoy your meals but eat a healthy proportion. Not too little and not too much. I hope you feel better soon.

[Zendrya]

weigh*

[Anonymous]

Listen to me: 105 lbs is not fat or disgusting. Honestly, you shouldn't even judge based on what the scale says, because if you've been working out and gaining muscle, then the number won't go down. if you burn fat and gain muscle, you will be more toned but will not see a lower weight. so don't let a number define you.
If your mom doesn't know what she's doing, perhaps let her know that when she says certain things it makes you feel self-concious. she won't stop if she doesn't realize she's doing anything wrong.
Please stop worrying about your weight. as long as you exercise and eat healthy, you are fine :)

[repetron]

105 if completely healthy for that height. You have nothing to worry about, being UNDER 100 pounds is the UNHEALTHY thing to be.

[Anonymous]

5'4" at 120lbs is considered the normal side of small.. you think you're fat or gaining too much weight at 105 lbs.. you have a lot of wiggle room to gain a few lbs. You are not fat, my dear.