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My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018

My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018

Every year around this time, I try to take time and examine my own life and where I have fallen short. Self-awareness is becoming so important in my life in this respect. Without this quality, I wouldn’t have come as far as I have, in such a short period of time. Here are some differences between me around this time last year, versus me right now:

1. DEPRESSION

In 2016: I was depressed and in denial about my mental health. Every day it was a struggle to get up in the morning and I dreaded the days ahead. I isolated myself from family and friends, and it creates tension in my existing relationships. Something as simple as smiling was so difficult to do - it felt like I was lying. And everything took energy out of me, especially lying. I couldn’t enjoy the things I previously loved to do. It felt like the life was sucked out of me and I wasn’t sure how to find my way back.

In 2017: I ultimately realized my depression was cyclical - I have depressive episodes every so often. The beginning of 2017 was the end of the worst depressive episode I have had in long while. It was exacerbated by a fuckboys who manipulated my emotions and caused general distress.

I had to take time to deal with the emotional fallout of that incident, as well as the fallout from my father’s impending death. He was terribly ill, and the resentment I harbored against him was almost debilitating. I’ll explain more about this later.

My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018

2. FRIENDSHIP

In 2016: I still had not learned the meaning of true friendship. I appreciated my friends but due to my depression, I couldn’t be there for them in a real way. It definitely took its toll on my existing relationships. Some of my connections were artificial and I felt a need to hold on to those memories and people, despite the lack of nurturing and positive energy there.

In 2017: I have been learning how to be alone. I had to accept the fact that some of my friends could NOT give me what I needed in a friendship. Some of the gossipers and fake friends I let go - they aren’t bad people, they just aren’t the type of people I want to be around. I need intelligence surrounding me to feed my curiousity and instead of relying on old connections, I branched out and made new ones. I joined a Meetup group and found individuals who are intellectually inclined. They nurture my curiosity and teach me new things.

Also, I learned the added benefit of older companions. Seasoned 40 year olds have a lot of wisdom to share and I value that greatly. This year has been the year of quality > quantity in terms of friendships. And for what it’s worth, I’ve learned to prefer solitude over frivolous friendships.

3. ROMANCE

In 2016: This time last year, I was seeing this guy I had known from my past. I was very naive and I didn’t know much about dating or men? Also around this time I did not have an idea of what I wanted in a partner or what I needed. I romanticized a man who could make me feel special instead of evaluating the type of man he was. In adddition, I was very emotionally immature - resorting to childish behavior and pouting when I didn’t get the expected results.

I definitely wanted a boyfriend pretty badly. Most of this desire was because of peer pressure from other college students. I wasn't part of hook up culture and I wanted to feel like I belonged. I also wanted a significant other because I felt it would make me “cooler.” In a sense, by having a guy who wanted to date me, it would validate my worth. Without male affection, I didn’t feel like I was beautiful or good enough. Smdh.

In 2017: The majority of this year was spent making new memories and having new experiences. I had my first kiss this year AND I had some steamier times as well hehe. Ultimately I learned that I can’t treat relationships like a hobby - you should only commit to someone who you have built a strong relationship with.

I currently don’t want to see anyone and I would rather not date for some time. I am enjoying this time alone.

My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018

4. CAREER ASPIRATIONS

In 2016: My future was looking rather bleak partly due to depression. Although my grades were superb, I couldn’t figure out the next steps to take. It’s a long story, but I genuinely felt that I was running in one place without any real direction or momentum.

In 2017: I worked hard to get the grades I wanted, line up recommendations and search for jobs. As I approach graduation, I have taken efforts to ensure I have a job lined up after graduation. I applied to a lot of places and now, I have an offer for paid training leading to a full time position. It’s a relief to see my hard work pay off, but this is just the beginning.

Also I have decided to go back to school for an associates degree in either systems engineering or Management information systems in a few years. Don’t worry, I won’t have to take out student loans. I can pay for it as a grad assistant (in my state, 100% tuition is waived) so it won’t cost me really anything. To prepare, I’m taking online courses in computer programming languages (SQL, Python and Java initially). I’m making my way guys!

My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018

5. FAMILY

In 2016: I definitely distanced my self from my family (depression is a bitch). My relationship with my mother suffered quite a bit and we fought a few times. A lot of this has to do with me changing as a person - I am no longer religious nor do I really believe in god anymore. She took this personally and it really hurt her.

My father and I were estranged. He is a textbook narcissist and he emotionally abused and manipulated my family for many years. I never dealt with the trauma from this, keeping it all inside. The anger, hurt and bitterness really got to me. My personality changed quite a bit and I became very dark. He almost died during this period and I was emotionally in turmoil.

In 2017: My mother and I are back on the right track kind of. I used to resent my mother (a little) for some of her choices but I really considered how hard life had been for her. She was not perfect but as a victim of abuse, I understood her and her flaws in that context. She is still annoying and we still differ in terms of religion, but our relationship is healing slowly.

My father and I are still estranged. Briefly, I allowed him into my life so I could see if he had changed at all. He claimed he had, and he claimed he was willing to make things right with me. However that didn’t happen this year at all. He did fine for 3 months but after discussing his abusive behavior (trying to reconcile and tell him my feelings) he made excuses for himself. He lied, blamed my mother and generally didn’t actually see why what he did was wrong. So I promptly blocked him on my phone.

This year I learned that toxic people can be avoided and should be. My father is toxic and not much is redeemable about him. I don’t hate him anymore and I understand how he came to this point. But does he have a place in my life? No.

My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018

6. MY HEALTH

In 2016: I struggled with my health quite a bit. However due to my depression I didn’t really prioritize self care. I did try to tell the doctor about my symptoms and she was dismissive of my problems. It was the equivalent of saying “it’s all in your head, take a nap.” That was discouraging to me.

In 2017: This year i have fought back. Doctors weren’t helping; all they did was prescribe antibiotics liberally. So I took it upon myself to research my condition and get to the bottom of my symptoms. As a result of making my health the #1 priority, I did lose a few pounds and started taking probiotics.

I learned that health is wealth. If we don’t eat properly and exercise, we allow ourselves the displeasure of having autoimmune disorders or cancers by age 50. Accumulative stress was a HUGE issue for me, so managing stress in a healthy way changed a lot for me health wise. I am still self-treating and seeing great results so far.

This is just a few differences i have noticed from last year around this time to now. It’s amazing how much things change. I am so grateful for all that I have learned this year. It seems I am steadily moving in the right direction.

Thanks for reading! Please comment the differences you’ve noticed in yourself this year!

My Life Before 2017 vs. Before 2018
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