It's no surprise that many feminists frown upon marriage, seeing it as a manifestation of patriarchy and inequality and mining for all the injustices against married women by their husbands and viewing it as an impediment to their professional growth. Although I do not believe that feminism by itself is antagonistic to marriage, I do believe that the people (feminists) are just not compatible with the requirements of a marriage by judgment of their attitudes and behaviors toward marriage.
Marriage requires working together
Marriage requires cooperation. But so does working in a team for a group project. The project is not about you; the project can't just allow you to dictate what goes on in the finished product without consulting the other members of the group. In a group project, you can't boss people around. Disagreements will happen, and hopefully they will resolve with discussion and compromise. You may have a group leader, but if the group leader abuses the team members, then the team members will find a way to disqualify the group leader. Similarly, a marriage is like a partnership. Whereas a group project is merely temporary, a marriage is usually long-term or lifelong. In a marriage, you have to work together with your partner and settle disputes. You have to know how to console each other in times of distress, and you have to know how to assign roles or jobs to different members of the household. If you can't perform the essential functions of a marriage, then perhaps marriage is just not right for you. Many feminists would argue that the roles or jobs that a woman receives in a marriage is "sexist". If a woman chooses to take her husband's name, then that is labeled as "sexist". If a woman chooses to stay at home and nurse the children, then that is labeled as "sexist". If a woman allows her husband to be the person to manage the household finances, then that may still be labeled as "sexist", because the husband has control over the monetary distribution. If a woman accepts the suggestion from her husband that she should dress more modestly, then that may still be labeled as "sexist", because the husband is somehow limiting the woman's sexuality. The list goes on and on and on. All of these things focus on judging whether a particular action is deemed "sexist", as opposed to whether the woman freely chooses to do something, out of personal contentment or obligation/responsibility. Although feminists do emphasize the importance of female choice, their focus on action suggests otherwise.
All of these things focus on judging whether a particular action is deemed 'sexist', as opposed to whether the woman freely chooses to do something, out of personal contentment or obligation/responsibility.
Marriage requires accepting one's place
One characteristic that I find among feminists is that they are very much opposed to the idea of accepting one's place or accepting one's role in the household. Like I said before, marriage is like working in a team. You are given a set of duties, and you have the responsibility to do them. If you can't handle the essential functions of your position or role, then you are not an effective team player. Feminists may argue that the housecleaning and childcare duties are "sexist", because they impede the woman's free will. However, I do not believe they have to be "sexist", if the woman feels a sense of responsibility in supporting her family and freely chooses to perform those roles. Also, nowadays, many married couples have figured out how to divide childrearing and housekeeping responsibilities, so even if the woman is employed full-time outside the home, someone nurses the children and keeps the house.
Meaning of Responsibility and Obligation
Feminists apparently interpret the term "responsibility" as a laundry list of things that a woman needs to do, and "obligation" as the absolute and merciless requirement to do them. Although their interpretation is sadly true in many parts of the world, this interpretation should not absolute and cannot be applied to everything. In other words, you can't eradicate responsibility and obligation. In the teamwork example, I illustrated how a team player has a set of duties that he/she needs to perform. If he/she cannot perform the essential functions, then he/she is just not an effective team player. Applied to marriage, being a marriage partner (wife) means one must accept the responsibilities in marriage, which includes childrearing and housekeeping. These are not light tasks; they are big tasks that demand a lot of time, effort and energy. Although appreciation for being a stay-at-home mother is something nice to have on Mother's Day, it should not be the only incentive to do these tasks. Rather, the desire to care for your significant other and your children at your expense should be the main incentive why a woman wants to enter a marriage. That's where the obligation comes in. Obligation is not about what society imposes on the woman and thus limits her full potential in some way. Obligation is about the woman's own sense of her responsibilities and the woman's desire to meet expectations to fulfill those responsibilities. Whether the vocation of the woman is to become a working professional, a nun, or even a stay-at-home mother, all of them involve responsibilities and obligations, and sometimes these roles are not necessarily determined/defined by the woman herself in an empty vacuum, but rather by what is available around her and what/who needs her and what she can do to help the people she loves. A Christian woman may feel that she is called by God to live in poverty, chastity and obedience, and eventually moves to a convent to fulfill that role that she believes God wants her to do. A poor woman's family may not afford to feed another mouth, so the woman goes out and searches for work. A new mother may want to spend time with the neonate, nursing, and then figures that it may be more convenient to work at home full-time as a homemaker and/or a flexible work-from-home job.
These roles are not necessarily determined or defined by the woman herself in an empty vacuum, but rather by what is available around her and what/who needs her and what she can do to help the people she loves.
As mentioned earlier, I do not believe that feminism (concept) is intrinsically antagonistic to marriage. However, I do believe that the attitudes and behaviors expressed by feminists are just not compatible to the role of marriage partner. Marriage requires one to be collectivistic; marriage requires teamwork and cooperation and commensurate amounts of communication. And that's why I think marriage is unfavorable among feminists.
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