Is There Always Less Excitement for a Second Marriage?

[ElinaJin]

My cousin “Bob” just announced that he’s engaged and getting married this fall. Bob (33) is divorced and he had a huge wedding to his first wife around 6 years ago. My aunt and uncle, Bob’s parents, paid for about half of the wedding – $20,000 worth – and his ex wife’s parents paid for the rest. It was a huge, beautiful wedding and our family was shocked when Bob announced he and his wife separated a couple of years ago.

Our family knows Bob’s new fiancee quite well, as she lived next door to him growing up. This will be her first marriage and she wants the big pretty princess day. There were rumors that her and Bob started a relationship while he was still married, so my aunt and uncle are not exactly thrilled that he is now engaged to her.

My aunt and uncle made it very clear that they are not giving Bob any money toward this wedding, regardless of how his relationship with his fiancee started. They also said while they would attend a bridal shower for them, since they spent so much money on his first wedding, they will not be getting quite the gifts he did.

The rest of my family (other aunts and cousins and grandparents) feels similarly. His new fiancee mom has already reached out about potential shower dates because everyone’s summer is so busy and she is getting a lukewarm response. They lavished Bob with gifts before and are a bit taken back that he’s having another big affair.

The fiancee isn’t doing herself any favors by publicly calling out my relatives on Facebook for their “lack of support”. She is upset that they have to have a much scaled down affair than what he had the first time because they are paying for a lot of it. She doesn’t think it’s “fair”.

I’ve had aunts and uncles get remarried but their second weddings were generally just a courthouse and dinner type party. This is the first time I’ve seen (within my own family) the couple wanting a big affair for the second wedding.

Just curious if this is usual. My family tends to hold grudges and be gossipy so I’m not sure if it’s just them or is this normal.

[Guy13]

What a great story and Perfect start for the bride.

[jp612612]

You know the way I see it, the issues you talk about here aren't so much about second weddings, but just the fact that your cousin is so much older now. I got married at 34 and I was at a point in my life where I was really well established financially. As such, my ex-wife and I paid for our own wedding... well let's face it, I paid for it. On top of that, the invitations explicitly said no gifts and to me, that's the right thing to do because we weren't a young couple that was just starting out. I'm a little shocked that your 33-year-old cousin would even think of asking for money for his wedding. He's a big boy now and if he wants to throw a big party, then it should be all on him and his fiancee.

[Wonderer89]

At 33 Bob should have his life together enough to be paying for his own wedding, added to that even if it was tradition for the family to pay they shouldn't need to fund more than one.
They can be emotionally supportive without being financially responsible for his love life, however even that emotional support may be short lived if his new fiancé can't scale back on the resentment that she isn't #1