I am a feminist and I don't really think there is anything wrong with taking your husbands last name. Just because he wants you to take his name it doesn't mean he thinks women should be stuck in the kitchen and sweep and mop after their husband and make you cater to his every need. Think about this rationally, not all tradition is sexist. If you're going to cry sexist at everything you see then you aren't feminist you are simply an unreasonable person. You aren't going to marry your fiance because he wants you to take his name? Its not about you in this scenario. It's not about your image. It's for him. he's going to marry the woman he loves and all his life he's dreamed about having a woman love him enough to take his name as her own and that would be a sign that they will work together AS ONE to get through thick and thin it's a sense of being completely bonded together. Sure, the reason you take the guys name is because of tradition but does it really matter? Why pick a fight about that? If you are not comfortable with taking your husbands name then that is your choice, and a lot of women do that nowadays! It can be due to business and how it would complicate a lot of things should you take his name. But allow your fiance to feel disappointed and upset without pulling the "YOU ARE A SEXIST" card. If you are a feminist and your fiance has made it through those barriers and rules and conditions that youve set up and youve loved him since high school then why are you letting such a stupid thing make you reconsider getting married? He has a right to be disappointed and you have a right to not change your name. This isn't the fifties anymore you have a choice but he is going to feel a little upset about it and that is the reality. As a guy this is what he's seen around him and what he's expected, just like how a girl EXPECTS a guy to buy her a ring for when he proposes. Because that is tradition and that's how it works. The guy has always been the one to propose, it's tradition and there is no harm in it. Like how a guy pays for the first date. Maybe you should really think this over before you do something that you're going to regret because guaranteed if you call off the wedding because he was initally upset that you refused to take his name then it's going to be a one in 7 billion chance that you are going to find a guy with all of his "perfect personality qualities and physical qualities" that you love and won't be even slightly upset at this. :)
I don't necessarily think it's sexist but if my boyfriend insisted on me changing my last name to his then I would feel hurt, it would feel like my feelings on keeping my last name mean nothing to him. I could never marry or be with a guy who puts a last name before my feelings.
I could understand a guys point of view/feelings about wanting a girl to change her name but he needs to also understand your feelings on wanting to keep yours.
I would honestly see it as a red flag if a man insisted on you changing your name and didn't bother to understand or respect your side first. If he's dictating a name before marriage, imagine what other petty bullshit he will find important after marriage.
People need to stop doing what everyone else tells them to do, it's just a name in the end, it means nothing and it says nothing about your relationship.
I hate when people say "it means you two are connected and a family now". No it doesn't, you two being together, respecting each other and loving each other makes a marriage, not a shared name. And if you can't understand that, then you're probably not ready for marriage.
I totally agree with your standpoint Asker, it's your name - why the fuck should you change it? Are you going to change as a person? Why is your name worth less than his? It's bullshit is what it is - bullshit. You aren't leaving your family and becoming his possession, you are still your own person so why on earth would you need to change your name... it's yours, the only one you have and it links you to your family. Are you supposed to just get rid of your family name because you're married? I hate the idea and my boyfriend seemed a bit upset when I said I wouldn't take his name. I suppose some people like to be Mr & Mrs Smith or whatever, but I'm all good keeping my marital status to myself. It is no one else's business, that's also why I am a Ms and not a Miss.
I suspect in his family and the area he lives and grew up in not many women have kept their maiden name and he is used to them taking their husband's surname. If true, he probably feels like you feel there is something wrong with him or his family. I know you don't think this, but this is what he feels. I really think you both desperately need some couples therapy to learn to communicate. This will help him identify what's going on inside and you both can learn to listen with the intent to understand and not with the intent of simply replying to buttress your argument for what you each want.
He might be a sexist strongly, mildly or not at all. But, let's be honest, if he were and you have known each other for so long and so well, you would already know it if he were (e. g. his actions would have been a dead give away many times and long before now). Nope, it sounds like this has something big brewing about his sense of identity or family history. He may not even know what it is, and if he does he may not have told you (honestly, with your steamroller approach to "my way or the highway" in your relationship this would be no surprise).
You view this issue as more important than being with a man, in your words: "He was everything I wanted in a man. He never struck me as a sexist guy ever. I've known this guy since Middle School. He was my best friend and lover." But this issue is so important that you say "Now I can't help but feel cheap that he expect me to take his name. I dont even think I can marry him anymore." You are willing to pitch it all, because of this. I am not saying that you should not keep your name. In fact I think with couples therapy you could work this out to the satisfaction of both of you (yes, that means he might change his mind and you would learn and he would learn why he is not on board with keeping your surname and then your could remember you love him and why and work this out. The problem is not simply resolved by getting what you want The solution lies in your both having a loving and supportive relationship enough for you both to be willing to hear things that hurt, but love each other enough to work it out and care even more for each other). I also think that for you, based on your life, this issue has so much significance because of other issues involving family history and identity. If you are not willing to fight for your love, don't waste the time getting married.
I understand why you wouldn't want to be expected to take his last name. He might be worried that other people might judge him for not following tradition by you taking his name. It might not be because he doesn't care about what you want or anything like that. It's just the most common thing so he might be wondering why you don't want to do it.
To answer your question, it's not misogynistic in my opinion but it may be slightly sexist. In his defence, if that makes him sexist than so is 99% of the rest of the world. That said, he may be worried about other people's reactions or your reasons for wanting to break with tradition which aren't really sexist.
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u Perhaps he feels cheap that you don't want to take his name. When you have a family, life is simpler - especially for little kids - if everyone has the same last name. Tradition in our culture says the woman takes the man's last name. Maybe he thinks you don't want to take his name because you are not so dedicated to the idea of marriage. . . and maybe he is right.
I am Georgian, in my country married couples keep their name. We have no tradition like that to take husband's name. Of course woman can do this if she wants so but in many cases it is not problem. I fully understand yours. When I marry, I marry as an independent woman, who has her own identity. So I believe that tradition of keeping man's name is really surprising in 21th century. When I marry someone, it doesn't mean that I lose my past. I Was, I am and i will always be same person with same name. It is not game, I was born in this way, I am not going to change my name everytime when i marry (I hope it will happen once in my life). Just try to find compromise, do not lose love of your life just because he doesn't think about this in the same way as we do.
Is the woman taking the man's name a patriarchal thing? Yes.
Is it sexist? Not necessarily.
Is his expecting you to take his name sexist? I'd say no. It's the traditional behavior. Sharing the same last name shows a united couple. It binds you. I don't think he's sexist. It's what like 95% of married couples choose to do.
Did you explain to him why you don't want to take his name?
Men can see it as an insult if you don't. It's like saying you don't love them. So if you show him that's not the reason behind keeping your name then maybe you two can come to an understanding.
When did women have to change their name when they get married? It's a silly idea anyways. Historically, women don't take on new family names unless they are from noble families where clans are extremely important. However, this works for both men and women. A man might need to take his wife's name if her clan is stronger.
A fair bit of the world population doesn't change their name but use a double family name. The child takes either one family name or both family names. My mother didn't change her name but I took my Dad's name. I am still recognized as a relative to my mother's clan (same family name) if they know my grandfather.
Having the same last name identifies people as being related. Taking the husband's name may have roots that are sexist, but having the same name, regardless of who takes the other's name, just identifies the two as family. The reason I would be concerned is that children notice when they or a friend has a name different from the mother. It can bring thoughts of being adopted or a step child. Friends at that age will question it and cause some discomfort. It just is easier on all matters, especially for the children, for both to have the same name.
The only times that I think it makes sense to keep original names is when both have professions established under their name, whether doctors, actors, whatever. Then it is important for them to keep their names. Otherwise, life is easier in our society if they both have the same last name.
To me it implies that he was expecting you to be subordinate to him after the marriage. You are right to think twice. I think your values are incompatible. He's conservative and traditional, you are more liberal and egalitarian. You should seriously consider cancelling the engagement and meeting a bunch of guys before accepting another proposal. There are plenty of guys who will understand why you don't want to change your name.
I am very progressive in most ways.
However I am very much solid on tradition for the name issue. If tradition was that I changed my name, I would. But history is that the woman takes the mans name.
I would not have married my ex wife had she not taken my name. I would never marry any woman that won't. and all those women that have Hyphenated last name... THAT IS JUST STUPID... arghh...
if you really loved him it would not be an issue.
you could try the old "well if he loved me he wouldn't ask me...".
well he isn't asking you to go against history and accepted customs of.. well.. everywhere.
If a woman doesn't love me enough to take my name, then she should find someone she does.
What is going to happen when you have kids? are you going to demand they have your last name also? good luck finding a floormat to agree to that.
Historically married couples have taken the husband's name. In more recent times some women have chosen to use a hyphenated hybrid name as does
'Hilary Rodham-Clinton'.
Other professional women choose to keep their maiden name since changing it would affect their careers. (Imagine if Sandra Bullock changed her name when she got married. She would lose her identity because all her movie credits are under the name "Sandra Bullock".
This should not be a showstopper. If this is such a controversy then maybe you two aren't ready to get married. You seem to be very close to your family and not willing to begin part of a new family. If you cannot resolve this minor issue, how will you tackle larger dilemmas in your future?
BTW: Where did your name come from? Mother or father? Ask your mom what she thinks.
I think y'all need to slow down with all the hurt feelings.
Sit down and talk about it. You talk about why keeping your name is important to you, he talks about why you adopting his name is important to him.
In general, the West is patriarchal, so you taking his name is the norm. That's not to say that it's the best way or the only way to go about it, but that's why he's upset--you're going against a norm.
Talk to him. Surely something as unimportant as this can be worked out without throwing away a potentially loving marriage, right?
I don't think that this disagreement should be enough to cause you to just not want to get married - if that is the case, there is a good chance you don't really want to marry him anyways and were looking for an out.
However, I think that the two of you should have an adult conversation about this and you should explain to him the reasons why you would like to keep your name, and that because it is your identity on the line, you should get to decide which name to keep or take. If he refuses to accept that, then to me that shows a sincere lack of ability to compromise on his part.
No I don't feel that he is sexist. Like you said he has never made you feel like this up until now. He's not sexist because he wants you to have his name it's just something that is important to him.
He loves you and he wants to share that with you and make you apart of his family. Are you really going to let something as small as that get in the way of your love, life, and future with him?
I'm just curious why are you opposed to taking his name? Are you a feminist and even if you are why not just hyfenate
I dont think he is sexist at all. It is quite the norm for a woman to carry a man's last name and he probably was looking forward to you having his last name. It may even hurt his pride. Men really relish the fact of calling you their wife and knowing that you are truly theirs and I guess the name thing is big factor.
i mean you took the diamond ring and gave nothing back in exchange... thats pretty fucked if you ask me
The least you can do, is take on his name
you cold just do this
Maria Hernandez-Fillipo
or something lol!
I don't get why people are so hard on you. You want to keep your last name, I can understand that. However, this is a good practice for marriage. There will be things where you don't see eye to eye, where you both feel you are right. To you, it may be that this thing is about knowing that what you want matters, too. That your feelings and desires are important. To him, it may be a disappointment - he may feel rejected that you refuse his last name, like you don't want a part of him. He doesn't mean to hurt your feelings just because he wants you to take his name. Listen to each other, try to understand where the other person is coming from. Learn to communicate. Communication and understanding the other's point of view is really important in a marriage. Good luck!
I don't know about sexist, maybe he's just a traditionalist, but if he thinks anything of you he has to respect your decision. Hopefully he will come around to the idea in time. Tell him how you feel and why you feel that way, then give him a few days to process it all and see how he feels then. I hope you can come to an agreement. :)
I don't know, I would have to know more about him to be able to answer. But the point is - if you don't feel confortable getting married then don't. Trust me, this is the kind of thing that you can't have doubts about. When in doubt, don't marry. It will save you a life of miseries and frustration.
You're being ridiculous.
You don't have to take his last name. But if you're going to let something like this fuck up your relationship, then you aren't mature enough to be getting married to anyone.
Don't go around calling him sexist and projecting "evil" qualities onto him just because YOU have it in your mind what a man should/shouldn't be.
Talk about it with him. Both of you need to fucking grow up and get past this complete non-issue.
And if you can't, so much for the better -- because you'd only get divorced anyway, given how unseemly and immature your thinking is.
I don't think that makes him a misogynist. I think it's very difficult for some men to let go of the traditional customs in favour of the things you're more comfortable with. Have you explained why you don't want to take his name?
no he's not sexist it's just what he's used to in the world.
try to just have a conversation with him about it. find out why it's important to him and explain why it's important to you. I'm sure his perspective is only from the standpoint of what he's seen in traditional society for so long. it is only our relatively recent history that women stopped taking their husband's name, so unfortunately some are still coming out of those darker ages
No, why would that be sexistic? This is a tradition that carried on in millions of families, and millions if not billions of women are cool with that, only his woman isn't. Why? isn't he good enough? isn't he worth it? Why are all the other men worth it but he isnt? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't he just continue a tradition like everyone else and fullfill his dream giving the woman he loves his family name? This isn't sexistic, I can totally understand
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