Boyfriend bought engagement ring and returned it a few days later. Buyer's remorse or questioning relationship?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 10 years. We have been living together the past two years. We are both 25 years old. I admit that his family and I have been pressuring him to get married recently. I have really been struggling with why it has taken him this long to propose. He finally bought an engagement ring about a week ago, but returned like 2 days after he bought it. He said it was because the financing for the ring was not as he thought when he purchased the ring. I feel like there is more to him returning the ring, because he seemed anxious and scared after he bought it. If you were in my situation ( what limited information you know about it), how would you take it? I want him to propose when he is ready, but if he is still unsure and nervous after all this time... maybe that's a bad sign. Any thoughts?

[Wonderer89]

I think you both need to have an open and honest discussion about what each of you want. Not expectations or how long it's been or what his family think.
If you aren't on the same page and can't compromise to meet somewhere in the middle then it might be time to consider options.
In my opinion though I think your partner has an unfair amount of pressure on him for this. Why do you even know when he bought a ring and where it is? Did he ask for your opinion or show you prior or did you find it?
There is so much pressure on men to do the perfect proposal that's social media worthy with an expensive ring that so much of the meaning gets lost - do you want to marry this person or do you just want to be married

[Asker]

We have been talking about getting engaged for a while now. He told me he was going shopping with his mom to make an expensive purchase for me. I knew what that meant and then he told me after he bought it. I never saw the ring, he he asked me about styles I liked.

[Elarra]

Stop pressuring him. You only feel this way because you and his family keep pressuring him. Leave him alone and let him do it on his own time.

Also, you're 25. A lot of guys aren't in a rush to get married at the age and, honestly, you shouldn't be, either. Being together for 10 years isn't a justification for him to propose. In fact, that's a terrible one, especially since you said you guys have been on and off for 10 years, even if you have been living together for 2. Let him decide when is right for him. You kind of sound like you're only thinking of yourself. Your reasoning for wanting to get married is flimsy and isn't the sign of someone who is ready for marriage.

[bbch25]

Can I ask how you know he bought it and returned it?

Are there any current financial issues that could stop him wanting to pay for a ring/wedding?
Have you two had any fights/issues recently or felt him pulling away?

Honestly, if it was me, I'd feel horrible and that definitely he didn't want me and start questioning it all. I'd actually expect a VERY good response.
It's been 10 years, sure you were kids so lets say it only counts since 18 and you're adults, that's still 7 years! 2 years living together is quite a while I think to simply propose and move up a step... Not like you get married next week.

Has he ever mentioned being anti-marriage etc?

[bbch25]

I agree that pressure isn't right, but at the same time, you are 50% of this relationship and if you want marriage you should be able to say that. So while you telling him you want to get married isn't a problem, I think his family should lay off a bit.

And I agree with ThisDudeHere, you should flat out ask him his intentions now. As I mentioned, I'd want a good reason for this, as it would upset me and make me question his feelings. So knowing his intentions and what he wants and asking for perhaps a timeframe of when he may be ready then if it isn't your relationship he's questioning.

[Asker]

I know he bought it and returned it because he told me. He told me he was going to go shopping with his mom and be making a large purchase with me. I guess he knew that I knew so he just told me after he purchased it.

He has a lot of student loan debt and credit card debt. I know buying a ring is expensive, but I have made it clear I do not care what ring he buys. I also just want to elope eventually.

He has mentioned a lot that he wishes I would play video games with him or do other things he enjoys more. I have been trying to improve, but lately I have felt like we have less in common than when we were younger. Honestly, we don't have a lot in common, but we do get each other more than anyone else.

Actually, I was more anti marriage than he was until recently. Maybe it's my biological clock ticking? I just felt like I was ready. Hard to explain. He has always been pro marriage, but none of his good friends are married so I don't believe there is a rush for him.

[bbch25]

Ah ok, well I think that was a bit crappy of him to tell you he bought it, and then proceed to return it and tell you (but I guess he'd have to tell you he returned it). But I don't know, just seems weird to buy it, return it a few days later. It's not even like he gave himself much time to think about it.

Sounds like you guys have grown apart a little bit as you've gotten older, which is normal, and a lot of people choose to break up while others choose to work on it. I think if you've been trying to get into his hobbies, hopefully he does the same for you?
My partner and I have little in common I guess, but at the same time we just feel right so I try his hobbies and try to get involved.

I think you two just really need a good sit down. I get that the debt and stuff can affect buying a ring, but if you want marriage you buy something small and cheap and replace it later, so I'd definitely ask him properly.

[CyberToothTiger]

If he isn't ready to propose to you after you two been together
off and on for 10 years than I would think maybe your better to
move on. I don't see no use to try salvaging something that you
don't really know that is for sure. If he took the ring back than he
is unsure about things.

I could never be in a off and on relationship for 10 years with a girl
who can't make her mind up. My ex girlfriend gave me back her ring
after she broke up with me that was only 5 days engagement but i do
believe it was for the best.

[ThisDudeHere]

You can't blame a guy for being averse to marrying in this day and age. But then again he shouldn't string someone on for that long without making his intentions clear. You should get it out of him whether he actually wants to marry or not. When he gives you his answer, you make the best of it in whatever way suits you best.

Sidequestion, what is stopping you from proposing?

[Asker]

I just feel like it should be the guy that proposes. It would be easier for me to propose, but I would probably feel resentful that I had to do it.

[ThisDudeHere]

Well it is the current year - equality and all.

[Asker]

I just feel like it would be sad. I know I easily could, but that would just seem desperate to me. I have never actually heard of a real life person I know proposing to a boyfriend.

[DodgersGM]

How would you feel if a whole bunch of people -- your partner included -- were pressuring you into something like this?

[DodgersGM]

Also, I hate to say this but 10 years from 15-25 isn't the same as a ten year relationship from 25-35. It's a long time, absolutely; but it's not the same.

He still might not know what he wants in life. Marriage? Children? Committing to you? Those are all major questions that he's probably trying to answer right now, and he's doing it with loads of pressure hurled at him.

Sit down with him. Talk to him. Ask him what he's feeling. What does he want in life? Does he know yet? Remember, there's no right or wrong answers here -- only truths that need to be uncovered.

[writing_essays]

It doesn't seem like he wants to get married. You can stay with him or you can leave and find somebody who is interested in getting married soon.

[Relentless_Hippie]

If I were in your situation I wouldn't be dating a guy for ten years and not be married.

[Toad-1]

Stop pressuring him and just let him be.

[zombiebabe]

he seems unsure about what he wants

[bcromartie]

He's telling the truth

[Theodorable]

Both