I'm engaged, he's married, what does he want?

[Anonymous]

I'm a twenty something year old girl whose been with my man for 5 years and planning to marry soon, our relationship has had it's ups and downs but I honestly think we belong together, he's a part of me. I have had a few serious relationships in the past and usually run into trouble after a couple of years, it sounds bad but I have cheated on all my partners, including my current one (he knows about this).

I recently met a man at work, it was an instant attraction for me, there was definitely something about him, however I saw the wedding ring and got over it. We ended up working closely together and I found he was very flirty with me, still I tried to write it off as nothing. Over the past few months though the flirting has spun out of control, he is now touching me at work in ways that nobody else would dare. We have exchanged phone numbers and plenty of raunchy sex based messages and pictures, I guess you could call it sexting. I am filled with such lust for this man and have contemplated cheating again, making me rethink my engaged status. He tells me we could have so much fun if we were single and this disappoints me, because again as bad as it sounds I wish he was contemplating cheating on his wife. Is what we're doing cheating already? And do you think he would take it that one step further? I love my fiance and I know he loves his wife but the thought of being with him and having an affair excites me. In saying that if we were to plan it I'm not sure I'd have the nerve to go through with it. I know an affair is morally wrong, I know it'll probably end badly but I honestly don't think I have enough self control to stop until I get what I want.

[bersaba]

Ok I'll try and answer this as honestly as I can from what you've written. Keep in mind I'm not making judgement calls on your actions. I too have "cheated" (sort of, it was as we were breaking up, long story). Regardless. I don't mean to judge, only to advise.

[b]Are you after a long term (decades) relationship.[/b]

This is the most important question you need to ask yourself, because it changes everything. If you aren't really looking for a relationship for that length of time, including all that goes with it (kids, house, life goals, where to live).

IF YES.

Then ask yourself these questions.

1: Is my fiance the person I want to spend that decade with?

2: Do I love him?

3: Can I be faithful to him?

4: Will I be happy.

Only if you answer all 4 of these with a yes, should you marry him. If any of those is a no, then you really should reconsider. The only one with some flexibility is the love part. I've known many a couple, including my parents, that got married with a difference in love. My dad loved my mother, my mother respected, cared for, liked, my dad.

If you are after a long term relationship, but not with your fiance, do you think the married work collegue is the person for you? Could you seem him leaving his wife? Do you think you'll tick the 4 boxes with him?

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IF NO.

1: Do I still want to be with my current fiance?

2: Will my fiance still want to be with me if I don't want to get married right away?

3: Do I want to be with my work collegue

4: Am I happy being "the other woman" or do I want my work collegue to leave his wife?

If you aren't ready for a long term relationship you shouldn't get married, but that doesn't mean you should break off with your fiance, but in my opinion you really should choose which man you want to be with. I don't think sleeping with boh people is fair to anyone (you or them). I also feel the same way about the work collgue. I think if you want to be with him, he should leave his wife. (Unless you're after a short term fling).

Given your history of cheating, it sounds like you're not fully thinking through what you want in the relationships. Again, I don't mean that to sound negative. What I mean is, here I've tried to make a list of questions to ask yourself that are very specific yes/no type questions that should help you decide exactly what your after.

There's no sense getting married then cheating on him 1yr down the road. It'll be expensive, hurtful, and not fair to your fiance.