My boyfriend says he wants to get engaged, but...?

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.6 years, and its been 2 years since we met. I'm 22, he's 28. We've only had one issue where he lied to me about someone from his past, but I've moved on from it and we're both okay.

In May this year, we went looking at engagement rings (my idea) and wrote a few down and narrowed the choice down to 2 perfect rings. He said he would get it 'soon'. A few half price sales came up, but he seemed disinterested, saying that 'another one will come up'.

7 months on and he says he wants to get engaged but he can't afford it. I understand that completely and suggested that he could get a cheap 'promise' ring and I'd be happy with that until he can propose.

He refused, saying that he 'wants to do it once and do it properly'. When I mentioned the promise ring, he started saying something completely different...

My job is an author and at the moment I'm writing on a laptop that doesn't have much power (can only do typing or web surfing on it). He insisted that I need a better laptop for my dream job, and that he would rather buy me a laptop before a ring because I 'need' the laptop.

I said our relationship is more important to me than a laptop - after all, it does its job. He then said we would get engaged 'someday', but he doesn't even seem passionate or excited about the idea.

To me, it seems like he doesn't respect my feelings or how much this means to me. I noticed he isn't even saving up for it. He saved up when we got our kitten (he wanted a kitten before an engagement ring and said its like having a kid) and was happy to use a credit card to get a PS3.

We have been living together for over a year, and I don't want to end up in a situation where I feel like I'm constantly waiting for him to commit (why buy a cow when the milk is free...). He has a tendency to work overtime a lot, and always seems to want things to go his way.

This makes me feel like he wants the engagement to go the way he wants it to, without any thought about me. I want to feel excited about it, not ambivalent by the time he gets around to saving up and getting it.

What are your thoughts? Any advice? Am I wasting my time on him?

The only excuse he has left is that he doesn't have the money. I suggested he could get it on hire purchase, he'd be putting money aside every week to pay it off which is just the same as if he was saving.

But anyway, thanks for your comments. Its obvious he doesn't want it, he's avoiding it, and when I talked to him about it he said it's 'just a ring' to him. So now he's finally honest about how he feels.

I'm disappointed in him. Now I don't like the idea of getting engaged to him at all.
We had another long talk about it and he apologized. We went ring shopping and he ended up getting a $4000 ring, even though the budget was $2000. It's on hire purchase and he even paid a deposit even though one wasn't needed. I'm really surprised and so happy!

He explained that the reason he acted the way he did was because he wanted to throw me off the idea so it would be a surprise - but he didn't know he was coming across as being uncaring and not interested.

Thanks for your thoughts!


Most Helpful Guy

  • I'd say your pushing it to hard which is making him draw back even if he was concidering it.

    Marriage isn't something one person decides, its when both people are ready to make a commitment like that, not sooner and at this point.. he isn't ready or doesn't sound ready to me.

    If you can't deal with that and -need- to get married as soon as possible regardless of how good your relationship is besides this.. your more in love with the idea of getting married then the guy himself which means you shouldn't be together.

    Personally... I wouldn't ask a girl to marry me unless we'd been in a relationship for several years and only then, I'd do it when I'm ready to ask her and when I'm truly ready to commit to the point I'm certain it'd be for life and not just a couple of years.(or at the very least, feel like that)

    I don't have a problem with commitment, I just believe that if you do get married... you only do it ONCE and its for life so I understand his reasoning about "getting it right".

    • Thanks, he keeps saying that he wants to do it right and that I'm the one he wants to be with. I suppose I'm just disappointed that he doesn't share my excitement about the idea of getting engaged.

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What Guys Said 2

  • It seems like he is against the idea of being engaged. A guy who wants to marry you doesn't come up with excuses like he has.

    That said, you're trying to make him do something. Why didn't you propose to him, instead of trying to get him to buy a ring? There's no reason you couldn't --this certainly doesn't sound like the kind of guy who will surprise you with a ring at dinner in a traditional manner.

    I think you have good reason to question the relationship and where it is going...

    • Thanks for your input, I think you're right about that. If he wanted to, he would. I don't think I'll propose to him, I'm not interested in it anymore. Sadly, his reaction makes me not want to get engaged to him at all.

    • I'm so sorry. It sounds like he wasn't being upfront and honest with you about how he felt the whole time. He could have told you if he didn't want to get engaged or not, but claiming it was a financial reason -- while buying a PS3 -- shows that he was just content to let things be.

      I think it is for the best -- not because of this one issue (although engagement is a pretty big issue) -- but because it shows that he isn't communicative and doesn't share the same values.

      Good luck.

  • He doesn't want to get engaged. Doesn't mean he'll never want to, but for now, he doesn't. The more you push it, the worse it will make things in the relationship. But I'd question whether he is ever going to be serious about an engagement. He wanted to buy you that laptop thinking it would buy him some time to skirt the issue of engagement.


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