My husband is letting himself go. How can I help him without making him offended?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 9. While I care about physical and mental health due to my family history, he is not very bothered. Over time, my husband has become more lazy and inactive, which is impacting his health and our relationship. He now suffers from chronic health issues, poor self-esteem, and erectile dysfunction, yet he resists any suggestions or efforts to improve his lifestyle, often reacting with anger. Despite my efforts to encourage and support him, including inviting him to exercise and seeking medical help, his avoidance and defensiveness caused tension in our marriage. I’ve tried being gentle and direct, but he feels attacked and becomes bitter. I'm worried about our relationship. How can I help my husband about his health issues without damaging our marriage?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Only thing you can do , is encourage him to better himself , do not mock or criticize him , just try to support him and help him make better choices than the choices he is making now , Depression is a horrible thing and when someone is feeling depressed they will constantly speak negative things , and feel negative about everything , so the best thing to do is support him in every which way possible , Don’t talk down on him and make him feel like he is a loser , try to get him to move around more and exercise, instead of sitting around pouting about things. I am pretty much going through the same thing , when I lost my job and was laid off , the job market right now is absolutely horrible and it’s been a complete nightmare trying to land a friggin job. I am still depressed but I realized there is nothing I can really do about it , and wasting my time pouting about it , So I started exercising again and pushing myself to do other things to help keep my mind off of it. Tell him to not devote to much of his time waiting for a job to call , help him make a schedule for himself to follow. I pretty much wake up at 6 or 7 am have coffee and apply to jobs until 11 o clock , then I go work out for an hour and then get showered and ready for the day , I do chores around the house to help keep my mind off of things , and then come dinner time , I will cook a nice meal , and enjoy myself , Making me feel accomplished, then I will relax or see what my friends’ are up to , so the best thing to do is help him get on a schedule so he doesn’t feel worthless , It’s worth a shot

Purpleronnie · Accepted Answer

This must be incredibly difficult , if you can’t make him see why and how he is putting himself in danger because he doesn’t care about him then try and focus on showing him what he is also doing to you , how his decision or indecision is affecting everyone’s life around him.

You also have to be kinder to yourself as you are putting pressure on yourself to “ fix “ him. As impossible as it may seem you have to try to accept your helplessness of his choices and that it’s not something you can fix.

Finally of all else fails you have to question whether your love for him will allow you to move past this or mean that you have to move on. I know that seems drastic but it’s the only choice left if you cannot reconcile the choices he is making or can’t accept his decisions.

SeriouslyNotSerious · Accepted Answer

Tbh, this is quite sensitive stuff to discuss about. I suggest making healthy foods, host a party so he can socialize with his friends, or invite him to travel, you both will enjoy too. ❤️

If he does something productive, be happy and praise him for it. You may reward him for being productive.. if you know what I mean. 😉 He will get the idea, somehow.

DishLady · Accepted Answer

Start a healthy diet and exercise regimen for yourself and ask him to do it with you. I'm sure if he gets to watch you bounce around while you're exercising he won't complain. (Stick to a schedule, though.)

blunty · Answer

To encourage healthier habits in your husband, start small by suggesting manageable changes he might be more willing to try. For example, propose a short walk together after dinner or a fun physical activity you both enjoy, like dancing or biking. Highlight the benefits of these changes, such as increased energy, improved mood, and better intimacy, which can significantly enhance his quality of life and your relationship. Avoid nagging, as continuous reminders and pressure can backfire, causing resistance and frustration. Instead, offer gentle encouragement and support, celebrating small victories along the way. This positive reinforcement can help build his confidence and motivation, making it easier for him to embrace healthier habits gradually. By focusing on small steps and emphasizing the positive outcomes, you can create a supportive environment that fosters lasting change without causing additional tension or stress in your marriage.

MacDaddyRico · Answer

It's his pride, I believe.
My suggestion is just making plans for simple activities, like antiquing, yard sales, estate sales... things which will keep him active physically and also mentally.
It doesn't cost anything (except maybe parking or the larger Antique Shows.)
If I may share my experience with antiquing as perhaps incentive: http://www.go-star.com/antiquing/space-banks.htm

Anonymous · Answer

You might not be able to. First of all I don't if your just cloaking this. You said "health" about a half dozen times. Almost like you're becoming unattractive and are cloaking as a "health" issue to not appear shallow. The point of my though is to tell you some guys won't up their game until something forces them to. The question is is it possible he's dealing with something right now that is making it hard for him to exercise and whatnot. Some guys will act like they're doing it by choice so as not to look weak when potentially physically they can't.

CalmUntilAbused · Answer

If he's inactive and You like cooking, then You can cook things that will naturally, gradually improve his condition. It's most likely going to be hard for him to realize anything is off. Other than that... You can only wait for either a recovery (if You decide to use the diet trump card, it might take a long time, but You should succeed in the end) or a breaking point that will wake him up to the truth.

mojito · Answer

Set boundaries and take care of yourself to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Know your limits and understand that you cannot force your husband to change. Establishing boundaries helps safeguard your own health and prevents burnout. Prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that rejuvenate you and seeking support from friends, family, or a counselor. Maintaining your well-being is crucial for a healthy relationship, enabling you to provide better support to your husband while ensuring you remain emotionally balanced and resilient. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's necessary for sustaining a supportive and loving partnership.

lexus · Answer

When discussing this sensitive topics, be specific and gentle. Avoid general comments about laziness or health; instead, address specific behaviors and their impact. For example, say, "I noticed you seem more tired lately and it's affecting our intimacy, which makes me feel disconnected." Additionally, consider suggesting mental health support, such as counseling or therapy, both individually and as a couple. A therapist can help him address self-esteem issues and provide strategies for managing stress and anger. This approach not only addresses the issues but also shows your support and concern for his well-being and the relationship.

dustybiker2 · Answer

He has to want it himself. All you can do is be a healthy incentive hope he wants to join you. Ask him if he wants to join some form of class with you, or even an early morning hiking group if you have one nearby (Think outside the box if you need t). Make as if it's hoping to motivate both of you, as it will. Good luck.

Fireguy17 · Answer

That seems to happen in many cases.
The biggest issue is, just like with addictions, you can only help the person when they want to get help, otherwise it is falling on deaf ears.
Possibly a doctor, if he goes to one, could lay it on the line what he is doing to himself, he could be suffering from depression and all of the above things that you mention just make it worse.
It can be a vicious cycle.

Yannae · Answer

One is healthier meals. The reason why I gained weight is because of her love expression in cooking. I told her I wanted to lose weight so she changed up the menu. Another thing is having a schedule. Low self esteem is just going to stay if you do nothing productive all day. Achievements feel good, no matter how small.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Does he have a family history of medical problems that one of your in-laws could intervene and say he needs to fix this?

A weight loss drug? I lost 40 so far in less than a year on wegovy.

Enlist one of his friends as a gum buddy?

Get on a statin for blood pressure (assuming that's what's causing the erectile dysfunction)

he's not gonna budge until he's ready tho

MrGSpotHer · Answer

I don't know what you want it's obvious he don't care so you have no choice but to just tell it how it is, if he wants to be single that's up to him.. I hate people trying to be not offensive and hiding what they say if someone matters to me then they're opinions will all the time

noohair · Answer

The only person you have any chance of changing is yourself. If you prepare meals you do have some power. Cut the carbs from meals. I believe that he is depressed. And when a person is depressed, changing lifestyles seems too much to even think about. Small changes to start is how I do things.

BetaBucks · Answer

Stop sleeping with him. He'll get the point, and hopefully the motivation right after that. You might save his life, cuz if he's overweight and popping Viagra to perform, his heart won't be lasting long anyway.

Skinhead-1979 · Answer

Love and support him; that's it.

And with that I do not mean continuously badgering him with 'solutions'; he is trying to get through whatever he is trying to get through on his own in his own way. You have to respect that...

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

It's only a suggestion, but what if he just doesn't like receiving health advice from his wife? Maybe speak to his friends or colleagues and see if they could get him to join them at a gym?

boggboss · Answer

I dont think you cam as its all linked to his shit self esteem I feel any brouching of the subject will upset him even tho it needs to be done

OtterMan68 · Answer

suggest doing physical activity together: walking, training for a 5k (couch to 5k app is good), pickleball, etc. Start buying healthier foods

handsomelad70 · Answer

Tell him that you already find him handsome (though his lack of attention to his appearance may be turning you off), but you'd be even more attracted to him if he resumed good self-care.

Queen2142 · Answer

Comment on another man’s physical characteristics in ever so slight manner example the neighbor helped me with the garden outside or something heavy he’s so physically strong etc. that will make him want to work on himself hopefully

katiesmuff · Answer

That is a tough one and does sound like he needs a wake up call somehow!

Peridot25 · Answer

Tell him you’ll look place else if he doesn’t get back in shape.  Men say this all the time to women so it’s time to reverse it.

msc545 · Answer

Sound like he is very depressed. Get professional help for both of you.

Markella1998 · Answer

Try using hints or tell him need to get in shape or have his doctor tell him.

My husband is letting himself go. How can I help him without making him offended?

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