How do I deal with my growing resentment towards my unemployed wife?

Question

I have been married for 15 years and although I love my wife very much, I am starting to resent her for not working since we had our child (8 years old). As a parent she wanted to take care of our child herself and that was normal but it has been 9 years. I have worked all this time, taking on all the financial pressure but she seems happy to stay at home. I have hinted to her, I have asked her to go back to being a doctor but she is not interested. As much as I want to keep us together, the frustration is eating away at me and I don't know what to do.

Rosexøxø · Accepted Answer

11 months ago you asked about your wife’s sister

4 months ago you asked about your girlfriend

now you ask about your wife.

On and off on and off?

Why would you resent your wife for taking care of the child you both wanted? If you didn’t want it you shouldn’t have had one. You didn’t resent her when having intercourse? 🤷‍♀️ Did you not think this was an actual possibility? Her being a stay at home mom? It’s not a foreign concept.

Why would you marry a person but really just further more have a child if you can’t support one?

You say she’s a doctor. So I’m guessing she makes more than you. Are you just wanting her to work? How can you resent her for not working painting her to be a bum when she makes more than you and has a more complex job than you…. Delivered a whole human… and takes care of a whole other human? 🤷‍♀️

I’m betting she cooks for the three of you and cleans the household.

How invested are you as a father if you’re on a whole website like this with a bio about women and you’re on lvl 5. Maybe you should consult a professional for your mental wellbeing, your marriage relationship, and your family life. Do you even know who your kid is? Why are you talking to strangers confessing to us you’re near hating her for her staying by her kid’s side and yet you have enough time to even be on here. I guess you’re not struggling that much with budgets, marriage, and parenting if you’re on here asking about wives and girlfriends.

You’re either a troll/bot, or a guy living a double life and you’re mad you can’t invest the time into both since being a full time working parent.

I call b. s. nothing about this whole question, it’s logic, your profile, or your profile content makes sense.

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

This to me reads as "now that my wife's purpose in life is serving our family, I find her lack of independence unattractive." There are plenty of men who would be over the moon to have a happy devoted woman taking care of their house and home. I am of course assuming she's doing a decent job at being a SAHM because she seems happy according to the post.

I think if you change your mindset, or approach the situation as "if she were open to contributing financially to the household (aka working), how would she want us to spend it?"

It would also be nice to talk about how you'd help out with domestic activities that will still exist even if she does get a job. Kids at a certain age can stay home alone, but they also have sports practices, want to visit their friends after school, and get sick during the day, all of which require picking ups, drop offs, and someone mentally/emotionally available to handle at their best, worst, and everything in between.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Sounds like she is happy being a wife and mother. This is her level. It's possible she feels pressure from you to get back into work, fear of the reality of doing so after all long out of the workforce, and would miss her child. It may be that she's ignored your valid pov for a reason.

Tread carefully. Let go of the resentment for a moment and have an open conversation about the reality of her working again. It should be ok to discuss but this depends on the two of you. If you can't manage this, it's going to be difficult. Does she need to work full time? Are there problems on your side that you really need her helping with?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

If she is taking care of your child and everything at home , then why would you want her going to work? Now once your kid is older and he/she is capable of being home alone , then yes she should consider going back to work. But If she isn’t taking care of things at home , while you are at work? Then you need to have a serious talk with her and put your foot down to her that you aren’t supporting a bum whatsoever. You and your wife should be a team working together , not against each other

mandyfire98 · Answer

So the stay at home wife isn't the dream and promised land guys think it is?

Account · Answer

Is she doing the entire housework? Is she cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, folding, spending time with the child, helping the child do the homework? Is she providing in her own way? In case she is, you can't expect her to find a job, yet continue to do the entire housework.
That isn't fair.

jshm2 · Answer

You deal with it by getting your head out your ass.

Taking care of you, your child and your home, is employment. She's basically saving you around 40k a year by being your maid, nanny, and chef.

Once the kid is suitable to take care of itself she probably will go back to work herself. You can't rush these things.

Peridot25 · Answer

Let’s say one day she goes back to work, are you going to resent her for not keeping the house clean? For not cooking hot meals? For not being there for your kid like taking him to school and such? Do you have someone that’s trustworthy that could babysit your kid while you two are working? Do you plan to help your wife keep the house in order?

bunny_luv · Answer

I'd ask her what she's plans on doing or what she wants to do with herself. With your son/daughter getting older they're going to want to start doing their own thing and I'm wondering how that is or has affected not just your wife but you as well. I guess it's a part of being a family and how she (and you) feel about yourselves and how you're doing in general.

celticman · Answer

Start by acknowledging your frustrationit’s normal to feel this way. Open up an honest, calm conversation about how you’re feeling and what you both need. Support her in finding purpose or work while setting healthy boundaries. Relationships thrive on teamwork, not silent resentment.

sawno · Answer

I think you should take a good look at the valuable work she is doing. I know the economy is tough right now and thats probably jarring, but she's gonna be pulling her weight with the kids, housekeeping, etc. She is fulfilling an important role, don't look past that because your stressed to fulfill ends meat.

MemeSupreme · Answer

not asking us and going to a therapist/ counselor or someone who knows the both of you at least lol

ik that's that's an annoying answer, but professionals will give way better advice than strangers online

Anonymous · Answer

is she at least doing everything else at home?

I can understand the resentment if she's out of shape and chronically lazy

on the other hand, if she's fit and doing the housework while raising your child, I don't see why you should be resentful where other family duties are taken care of

heck if more women were like your wife, we could see the workforce cut in force and wages of the remaining male workers double and further improve the standard of living

KittygosMeoWW · Answer

False if you loved her there wouldn’t be any room in your heart or mind to resent her. You don’t even respect her with this question, you’re lucky your child is well taken care of in a safe environment and by his own mother you’re avoiding paying for half ass care. You should divorce her and have her file child support so you can find someone else and that way you can pay childcare while she gets her back blown out.

Levin · Answer

I don't understand how you can't have a frank conversation with your nearest and dearest. Tell her how you feel. It won't be pleasant. But otherwise it's going to eat you up till you explode anyway.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

What @MemeSupreme said. Before that though, there might be questions to consider.

Are you sure this topic of concern has been fully opened between you and her? If yes, do you think you have been heard and understood?

freedom · Answer

If she’s not pulling her weight and you’re doing everything, it’s no surprise you’re feeling this way. You need to be honest with her tell her how this is affecting you. If she’s not even trying to contribute or improve things, that’s not fair to you. A relationship is about teamwork, not one person carrying it all.

carenina · Answer

I get it, resentment can sneak up when you feel like you're doing all the heavy lifting. But instead of letting it fester, talk to her honestly, share how you feel without blaming. Maybe she’s struggling, too. Offer support but also set some clear expectations. You both need to be on the same page.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Sit down like big boys and girls and figure out who brings in the greater income. I'm pretty sure you can solve it from there.

the29thhuman · Answer

Is your child able bodied to do be independent if both your wife and you are working full time?

Adel50 · Answer

@mandyfire98 Enjoying your little power play?

hotman5 · Answer

taking care of childeren and the house is work so she's not unemployed

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

Another relationship story that sounds like BS

noohair · Answer

Maybe third party therapy?

How do I deal with my growing resentment towards my unemployed wife?

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