My wife doesn’t respect me. How can I communicate that her behavior is exhausting me?

[haynes]

We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. I love my wife deeply but her lack of respect for me is leading to my depression. I work hard to provide for our family, yet she doesn't appreciate my job's demands and expects me to be available while working from home. I handle many household chores and childcare, but she still sees me as an absent father. She also has expensive tastes, like demanding a Cartier bracelet for her birthday without appreciation. How can I communicate that her behavior is exhausting me and that I can't continue like this?

[Finchie40]

No longer respect her man, whatever her deal is? is not your problem , Do not kiss her ass , if she is being disrespectful to you and if she is demanding things from you? Start demanding things from her , if she doesn’t like it? Tell her there’s the door , don’t let it hit ya in the ass on the way out , Give her a taste of her own medicine , and tell her straight out you are no longer taking her shit. You either want this marriage or not? And then walk away , Start focusing on yourself and your kids and your job and find hobbies that you will enjoy , she will eventually realize how much of a bitch she is being to you , if she doesn’t? That’s your answer to kick her ass to the curb where she belongs. Most Females’ have this selfish mindset that things need to be her way at all times they think they are never wrong in their doings it’s always someone eles’s fault , and if she doesn’t get her way , she will pout like a little child. So do not give into that nonsense whatsoever , remember, we can not force someone to love us and care about is , someone has to choose you the same way they want you to choose them , Right now your wife is not choosing you , by the way she is disrespecting you , so you need to disrespect her back , you don’t have to yell or scream at her , just make it clear to her you aren’t tolerating her behavior and start doing things that make you happy , she is not your boss , if she doesn’t like it , that’s her problem , do not give into her whatsoever , next time she demands you buy her something? tell her to get it herself and tell her I only buy things for people that are respectful to me that are nice to
Me. Most females’ want to be submissive to a man she feels she can look up to , by you giving into her and tolerating her shit , is making you weak to her eyes , So turn that shit around my man and be dominate to her Don’t ever let a girl walk over
You. I know you feel worried that she will leave you , trust me , don’t feel that way. Ask yourself this question? Do you want to stay married to a girl that disrespects you? Or do you want to stay married to a girl that Respects you? It’s your choice and your decision, make her chase you , if she doesn’t? She isn’t the girl for you period

[haynes]

I’m definitely going to try this approach next time things get tense. Thanks.

[Finchie40]

No problem man , I been in your shoes before with girls’ and one thing I learned was to never let a girl walk over you , you don’t have to be an asshole and treat her like shit , you just need to put her in her place and make her realize how selfish she is being , by treating her the way she is treating you. Most females’ need that reassurance that her partner can take lead and be ok without her by his side. Most females’ are attracted to a guy she can look up to that makes her feel safe and protected , Most girls’ don’t want a guy that is constantly kissing her ass , she feels like she has a son not a Husband. It’s ok to tell her No , she wasn’t put on Earth to be catered to like she is this gift from Heaven , she can act like she is , but she is clearly living in dream land probably watches all those Romantic Love movies or reads books about Romance , , she is delusional if she thinks she deserves to be pampered constantly? Tell her to go find it then and you will find a girl that wants to be by your side. Most females’ like a challenge , she will play games with you to see how far she can take advantage of you, if she achieves taken advantage of you , she will start losing interest in you because you are no match to her , you are just some guy that she knows she will get her way with , she will start treating you like a convenience not a partner. Most females’ will not leave a guy that takes lead. She wants to look at a guy that makes her feel safe and protected that doesn’t really tolerate her shit. Why I said next time she demands something from you , you demand something in return , when she is bitching and screaming at you , Listen to what she is saying instead of preparing to defend yourself. If she demands you to buy her something , Just tell her what I said earlier , tell her once you start respecting me I will start respecting you. It’s not about who’s right or wrong , it’s about respect for each other. And right now I don’t feel respected by u

[Makeushiver]

Call her on it when she does it. When you do keep the focus on youu. If you start with "why are you such a bitch"? She can always reute her b3havior and claum you'e being over-sensitive. Warn hr ahead of time with a comment like," thiws is exactly the behavior I'M RFRERRINTG TO. aLRIGHT, LKLET'S PRETEND YOU'RE COOL & ITS ME BEING OVERSENSITIVE. nEXT TIME YOU SAY SOMETHING i FIND OBJECTIONABLE ( sorry tab lock was hit inadvertently,). In that case I'll say, -firmly "see there's an example of what I'm talking about. I think it's disrespctful and I'm not going to sit and listen" say that regardless of where she is or what she's doing. If she's talking to her best friend or her grandma. She may get pissed- or act upset at your timing or claim she didn't mean what she said and you had made a mountain out of a molehill. To which you can respond. (I don't really care what it was that you meant. I've said many times to please watch your mouth and I find a lot of what you say makes me unhappy; I told you I disliked it & it & also said I also said I was goung to call you on it immediately every time you do it. If you were upset at the timing then next time make sure you don't speak that way. It looks like it took this to finally get your attention which is good. Maybe your brain will be quicker than your mouth the next time you do. It won't be easy because she'll probably be pissed off at the time. As far as who sees this what way it may well be that I'm oversensitive but it may be that you need to learn some manners. The reason that you want to keep the focus on you, not her. SHE CAN ALWAYS DENY BEING A BITCH BUT SHE WILL BE UNABLE TO DENY any statement about how you feel. Once you've made your point just drop it and don't allow it to poison the rest of your date. You are only trying to change behavior that bothers you and if you don't turn it into a war then she may see that you are extending her the courtesy of pointing it out and then dropping it. She may want to keep that mind full of negative thoughts open but you can respond that you prefer taking a higher path. You've pointed it out like you promised and will continue to bring it to her attention if/. when it happens again but you're not trying to yell her anything else is wrong with her but please keep in mind that if a convo continues on a negative path or she keeps doing it, you plan on pointing it out again and contrary to what she thinks, telling her this is strengthen the relationship and if she decides to be pissed off than that's going to create greater problems because you need someone mature enough to take well meant2, constructive criticism & you were hoping she could raise her game by behaving in he manner she's going to need to need when she's out with the grownups at a job or social occasion. Good luck

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I feel like there are some missing pieces here. No one is 100% wrong or right in these situations.

At first glance, she is acting like a spoiled child. But you can't control her behavior. Full stop. Let me say that again: You cannot control her behavior.

The only thing you can control is your response to her behavior.

1. Have you told her you need to speak with her about something important?

2. Have you pursued couple and individual therapy?

Start with preparing her that you need to speak with her. Tell her you need her to listen until you have finished. Explain that this isn't an attack on her, but an opportunity to communicate mutual needs and expectations. Name the top three things that bug you and be specific. For example, "I want to provide a good life for you and the kids. But I can't do that if I'm interrupted during work. What I need is... Then, state what you can do for her if she can give you that window of time (she gets to go shopping alone or with friends Saturday mornings with a reasonable budget, for example).

Then, tell her you want to meet with a therapist so that she can have the opportunity to express her challenges with you in a neutral environment. This places the need for therapy on you, rather than her. That will make her more receptive to the idea. You both need therapy and that isn't a bad thing. Most people do, but they wait until things get beyond hope to pursue it. In my opinion, newlyweds should get signed up after the honeymoon, but I'm also convinced of the merits of it, so I am a bit biased. :D

You are about two years away (according to the average marriage) from her filing divorce papers and taking most of what you make in alimony, so do what you can to prepare now to mitigate the impact. It is in your best interest to try and save this if you can, at least until you can bow out with minimal financial damage. I don't advocate divorce, but with the state your relationship is in, you need to be prepared.

Finally, support her in pursuing a hobby or interest outside of home and kids, and support her self-care (mani-pedi, gym membership, a night off from prepping dinner, etc.). It might just get you over the hump and get her seratonin production up again. We all know a Cartier bracelet won't make her happy, so don't bother. But maybe take some time off to see if you can pinpoint her interests and invest in her pursuit of that. It might just save your marriage.

[VanillaSalt]

Sounds like advice Pepper Potts would have… It’s Pepper Stark now though isn’t it.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@VanillaSalt Actually no. I married Tony, but kept my maiden name legally for professional reasons, due to building my career around it. :)

Fun fact: If you put our first names together, it's Pepperony... Knew there was a reason I loved that kind of pizza so much! :D

[haynes]

tnaks for the advice I appreciate it.

[DishLady]

You're not the only one whose spouse doesn't respect them. There must be something in the water this year... I hear you... you're a hardworking guy and don't feel valued and respected as more than just "the paycheck" or "the dad" and you just want to relax and be her man, enjoying one another, etc. at least for a little while.

Having said this, I'm also going to dish out some tough love and remind you that just because she WANTS f-ing Cartier doesn't mean she'll get it or has earned it. What's she doing for you to earn that sort of gift if you're all drained and exhausted? Don't jump through every f-ing hoop my young friend.

Lastly, don't put your depression on the shoulders of your little princess of a wife. While all the above are certainly contributing factors to depression, the root of the issue is usually nestled somewhere between your own thoughts and convictions, which impact your self-esteem and sense of self worth. Stop buying her shit and spend that hard-earned cash to find a therapist who can help you work through the depression.

_____________
_____________

What to tell her... "Babe, we can't go on like this. I'm only human and you're wearing me out." You can tell her you don't feel loved or valued because of the way she's treating you... And honestly if you don't see her change her nasty attitude, you can demand family counseling as an ultimatum to work through her lack of affirmation and appreciation towards you.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the turbulent seas of marriage, especially when the waves of disrespect crash against the hull, huh? It's a delicate dance, my friend. First off, expressing your feelings is crucial. Start a conversation, not when you're both already walking on thin ice, but at a calm moment. Share how her actions (or lack thereof) affect you, using "I feel" statements to avoid putting her on the defensive.

Communication is your golden key here. Discuss your work demands and the need for mutual understanding and respect regarding availability. Highlight the efforts you put into managing household chores and childcare to paint a clearer picture of your contributions and concerns.

When it comes to her expensive tastes, that's a tricky one! Suggest setting a budget for gifts that aligns with what you both feel is reasonable and sustainable. It's not just about the financial aspect, but also about cultivating appreciation for the thought and effort behind the gift, rather than its price tag.

Remember, it's about opening a dialogue where both of you feel heard and valued. Sometimes, a little professional guidance can work wonders, so don’t shy away from seeking couples therapy. It can really help bridge communication gaps and strengthen your bond. Stay strong; it's about teamwork, and you've got this!

[XHopelessRomanticX]

Be upfront and honest. Tell you’re exhausted from her nagging and you don’t feel appreciated for all the hard work you do. Ask her; Do you want this marriage to last, or do want it to be another statistic of divorce?

Just out of curiosity; why does she think you’re an absent father? Why does she demand an expensive bracelet- is she not involved in the family finances?

[haynes]

She says I'm not home all the time like her but I'm working, and I really try hard for my kids. I just can't be with them 24/7.

[ohsheeT]

Well you need to snap out of it first of all and you need to approach her very calmly and quietly and explain to her exactly what she's doing to you but you need to figure it out because you have some choices to make and remember nobody in this world can make you feel what you feel except for yourself you're the only person on the inside of you stand up for yourself do it in the right way by controlling yourself and your words and lay it on the line

[Chazmatazz269]

You can give her everything she demands in marriage or give her everything she demands in divorce. Those are your only options.

[TommyMountainFigure]

If you think you can just sit down and talk to her then expect her to change, then you are very much mistaken! Reasoning with a person who doesn't respect you is impossible, because they believe they are better than you. No, going down that route is futile.

How bad to you want things to change? AND, are you prepared to become a different person in order for balance to be restored?

I ask because for anything TO change, you are going to have to be prepared to take extreme measures and become a right bastard towards her, as that is the only way she will learn to respect you. It also has to happen in one fail swoop. Doing it over time will not work!

So, what kind of things am I talking about? Let's start with her demands of a Cartier Bracelet for her birthday.

I am not sure how the conversation has been going, but next time she demands that for her birthday, you respond in a manacling manner with. "No, you will get what you DESERVE on your birthday, if not before the way you're going" Do not break eye contact with her. If she screams or tells you she hates you. Stay calm, do not raise your voice, let her know she has crossed a line. Tell her she can "shout and scream" all she likes, but things are going to change from now on! You say no more, but keep eye contact as if you were dealing with a wild animal that needs to be broken in!

I want to point out, relationships should NEVER be allowed to get to this point, there should be equal respect which means NEVER having to do this, but if you want to salvage your relationship, then you have no choice BUT to demand she respects you, or she's out on her arse!

I could give you loads more examples on how to proceed, but the bottom line is she is behaving like a spoilt brat that was never taught right from wrong by her parents, so it falls on you to have to do it!

I just want to also make a point to the women reading this and thinking this is just male bravado. NO, it isn't. I would give the similar advice to women if the shoes were on the other foot!

[Enginn]

It can be challenging when you feel that your partner is not showing you the respect you deserve. It's important to have a calm and open conversation with your wife to communicate how her behavior is affecting you.

First, choose a time when both of you are calm and not in the midst of an argument or heated discussion. Express to her that you would like to talk about something important and ask for her undivided attention.

When addressing the issue, use "I" statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying "You don't respect me," try saying "I feel disrespected when...". Be specific about the behaviors or actions that are causing you distress.

Listen actively to her response as well. It's possible that she may not realize how her behavior is impacting you, and this conversation could serve as an opportunity for both of you to understand each other better.

Consider seeking couples counseling if communication becomes difficult or if there are deeper issues at play that require professional help. Counseling can provide a safe space for both of you to express yourselves and work through any underlying issues in your relationship.

Remember, respect is a two-way street in any relationship, so it's important for both partners' feelings and perspectives to be considered with empathy and understanding.

[CuriousHubby]

Good luck and can so relate! My wife hates that I work separate hours from her! But she won't control her hours at work.

So how can I work opposite from her if she won't just pick hours? She cries every Sunday when I get my weeks schedule!

Every work day she begs me to stay home! Like I'll just quite! It's 3 hours now and she works 12!

Like send me off happy for once! It's exhausting miss being happy to work!

O and if chores and dinner are not done it's silent treatment. Like you were here all day you could have used the laundry machines!

It's not a lack of respect it's her higher expectations! If things she wants and needs. Look out for a evil female friend who is brain washing her. Cause this women went though a divorce and is shoving your wife into one also!

Good luck

[SugarSugarplum]

Respect is earned.
Whining that she doesn't give you respect is going to have the opposite effect.
Not sure about your wife, but for me, the following things would help.

Honesty - a mealy mouthed prevaricator does not earn respect.
Decisiveness - making a plan and sticking to it matters. It's OK to listen to her when making big decisions, but once you decide, stick to your path unless there is a disaster.
Self-Respect - if you at least try to be your best self all day, you'll respect yourself. Then when your wife disrespects you, you can honestly tell her she's out of line.

I hope some of this helps.

[rosemilk]

let her know asap! this should have been addressed long ago!

you tell it exactly like it is "your behavior is exhausting me. i can't continue like this. can we work together to solve this? we need to communicate better. i am not attacking you. i love you and want to work towards feeling better about our marriage. i feel like i'm always being tugged and not appreciated and a sense of lack of respect from you and it's contributing to my depression." something like that, etc. not in order

boundaries need to be SET when you work from home.

[BetaBucks]

What this translates to is that she doesn't see you as masculine. Doing chores and childcare makes you even less masculine to her, by the way. She wants to see you sweating, doing yardwork, not scrubbing dishes and making sandwiches.

First steps are to go to the gym, start training martial arts, update your dorky wardrobe (over the course of months or years), improve your grooming habits (over the course of months or years) and improve your hygiene (immediately). Drink less, jerk off less. Talk less, unless you have something interesting to say. She doesn't care about the dumb stuff you talk about. Maybe it's not too late for her to see you in a better light, but it takes times and dedication.

DM if you want to chat more though.

[Anonymous]

I would be very careful because you may have married a narcissist and they are notorious cheaters. I think that as long as she isn’t cheating you should do your very best to make things work. If she becomes abusive physically or it just never works out. You may need to consider divorce.

You need to have a open and honest conversation about things. How you feel. If she isn’t willing to silently listen to you and you do the same for her. Then there’s a problem that’s very serious. I think you should consider marriage counseling.

You just need to be careful some people there is NOTHING you can do no matter what you do. You’ll never be good enough for them. It could be a sign she’s cheating and you do need to look into the possibility. If she isn’t then good.

[Opinion Owner]

I would also consider having more kids with her

[abc3643]

I am in the same boat.

Either give it up or assert control over your money.

*sigh* Sadly, no good is going to come of this.

I am 61 and have NOTHING saved for retirement because of being in the same situation as you. Do not follow my fate.

[lightbulb27]

Have siscussion with her about bringing balance to life. That may include less job and pay and spending.


She sounds high maintenance and so may be unyielding. If she's reasonable, she will share ideas. I suspect you have no problem w cartier if things were going well.


Id wonder if she's really in the relationship anymore…

[Sunnysunny123]

Oh god, you have to talk and tell her how you feel and that you don't see enaugh appreciation for the things you do. In todays fast world we can't put all the bagage on only one partner in the family. How can she think you are absent when you are working from home and you soend time with the family? It sound greedy from her. It has to be balanced.

[the29thhuman]

Have the two of you had this discussion face to face, out of the home away from home and the house & kids.


Arrange the kids to be watched for the night.
Text wife that u and her have a date on such and such date at a certain time and leave it mysterious and playful.


Gotta change the cycle in the home and rekindle the love

[DextroShade]

You fucked up my marrying this woman. You have some options: document any and every disrespectful thing she does in preparation for divorce or straight up be an asshole to her, belittle her, make her feel small whenever possible, and employ dread.

[handsomelad70]

Her champagne tastes should be your most pressing concern, as they are draining your wallet and time. Explain to her that while you'd like to fulfill her needs and desires, your financial situation dictates more realistic methods of satisfying her. Hopefully, she'll listen;if not, ponder at least separation.

[Anonymous]

You most likely have everything you need within you to feel successful and good about yourself. You just need to find it. Get a therapist if it helps. Your depression starts within you. If anything you're letting her behave this way.
And once you've done that, maybe you'll feel able to remind her that you are her husband. That she does not talk to you that way. That she's behaving like a poor quality wife. A disappointment. And she certainly does not deserve presents.

[Nikki1989]

Don't tell us, tell her.

If she doesn't change, walk.

[Agape93]

How does she behave? Like KS she prone to the dramatics, does she get aggressive or violent, does she get dismissive etc?

That's not normal or ok. I'd have ditched her ass by now

[SweetJoyGirl]

Yikesssssss

You need to sit her down, speak softly, but definitely speak like a man. She needs to know you are the husband and the provider.

[SweetJoyGirl]

In other words, be stern, but in a soft way.

[Kelley1]

Other than telling her, I don't know. In our messed-up society, far too many women do not make good wives.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this relationship ended a while ago. You're both just hanging on to a sinking ship. Couples therapy is required to save something like this. Trust is shattered when you disrespect each other.

[Pyrofox]

Just quit rewarding her toxic behavior. Ego's are dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Women get that way when someone els is fucking them.

[BetaBucks]

Absolute facts.

[noohair]

Did you spoil her or was it her daddy? You love her but don't love how she acts. If she does not stop, you will reach a breaking point and start to despise her.

[Stetson]

Leave, she will figure it out and if she doesn't, your getting over it and she is probably happier

[Ms_Facesitter]

Say what you said to us. Don't let her walk over you.

[LiamJHayden]

Gently communicate your frustration with her. Hopefully she gets it, but it sounds like you might have an entitled wife. Good luck.

[bobby_bush_eater]

Set some lines in the sand, have a back bone and stop going along with her shit. If you do that she'll eventually realize what it is you do

[Crazzyyworld]

Tell her that she is not going to get what she want period. If she doesn’t give pussy then get it somewhere else

[Jay-_-]

You're gonna need to sit her down and set your foot down.

[Anonymous]

Men can't vent that's the rule of the world but women can.

[NotSlowestSloth]

Are you banging her roughly?

[In_Trance]

You need to talk to her about it

[Jmmmfi4]

MAN... FUCK THAT BITCH

[jahaims]

Just move on