Resentment Towards My Unemployed Wife

[Anonymous]

My wife and I married 15 months ago after she migrated over to live with me. We got her a work visa just after marriage and we rented an apartment.

It took her months to find work (she's unskilled) and only after I marched with her down town did she actually find a job. It was part time, cafe work.

I bought a house in my name after 6 months, and we moved in. We had trouble with our neighbours for some time, which took their toll on us. After a while she found another job as a Nursery Nurse, again not full time but training was included and it looked like a positive career move.

She, basically, mishandled this job and her employers (unlawfully) dismissed her. This takes us to 2 months ago, since then she has been, again, making a lacklustre attempt to find work.

I've now spend over 2 years supporting her and been very patient with her work situations, but today I snapped. I feel like I've been carrying her through our marriage untill now, and I#m very very unhappy.

I love her, and I love the person I married. But this attitude towards work is such a polar opposite to my own. I know if I was out of work, I would do ANYTHING to support us. By comparison, I've had work since I was 16 (now 27) and I've been unemployed for a total of 24 hours since then. The same cannot be said for her.

I know I love her, but this issue is grinding me down to the point of resentment towards her. I've been working very very long hours this past month, and I've been coming home to a house that hasn't been looked after (the one I solely pay for) exhausted.

Am I being unreasonable her? Does anyone have any advice? I want to try and get over this, but I'm driving myself insane!

Updates

+1 y

Sorry - I typoed. We married 27 months ago.

[rig21987]

You sound like me when it comes to work. You are older than me but I've held the same job and its my first job for five years now. I am also a patient person and I am with someone who was out of a job for a little bit and was patient with her while she got back on her feet. That is besides the point. Your wife needs to understand at some point that you cannot do this on your own. A relationship is two people and it sounds like its only one right now and that is you supporting her while it seems she doesn't care to find a job. You snapping was justified. I'm sure you have but try sitting down with her and telling her how you feel exactly. This in my opinion is a true test if she starts blaming you for things and doesn't own up to the fact that she needs to look harder then that is a serious issue. At some point you need to start thinking of your own sanity. I understand you love her but if she doesn't start at least helping around the house or putting in some effort into finding a job then why should you stress yourself out to the point of insanity for that?

[Newport100]

she is unskilled? send her to school. Nursing school is pretty popular with the ladies. She is going to be around other women that are motivated and it is going to rub off on her.

It will keep her busy, boost her self confidence and she will wind up with a skill and the school with help her find work and hopefully if everything works out, she will be motivated to find a job she trained for.

[Newport100]

Oops a lot of "ands in one sentence. oops.

[Shlei3]

What does she say when you tell her point blank how you feel? The thing is, having a partner that is less than efficient financially and around the house is very frustrating and can often lead to breakups. You are not asking too much at all. I view marraige as a partnership. This means that both people put an effort. If she isn't getting a job she should at least be putting an effort in the caring of the house. It's not difficult to work even if you don't have tons of skills. I too have been working since I was 16 and know the meaning of hard work. How did you meet this woman by the way? I'm sorry it's kind of a pet peeve the word is immigrated not migrated. Migrated makes her sound like a cow.

[Anonymous]

You're not being unreasonable. Have you talked to her about this? Maybe you think your feelings are obvious but she really has no clue how you feel, especially if she is not accustomed to working. Maybe she didn't expect to have to work, maybe it was just the way she was brought up. But she is not INCAPABLE of working. I've worked all my life but I've met girls who have not had to work as hard and it's not because they can't work or they're lazy/feel entitled; it's just they're not USED to working and they were brought up a certain way. My advice is to sit down and tell her exactly how you feel.