Should a woman quit her job if her husband is wealthy and doesn't want her working?

[Gloree]

I like to work even though my salary is small.

But he is insinuating that once we are married, I may have to quit since he is able to provide everything based on his new job and he has never liked me working, anyway. That's our current argument which is now keeping wedding plans at bay.

And let's not mention the fact that we are arguing about me relocating with him for his new job after the wedding. I love him but I don't want to be dependent on him for everything.

I need some insight so I don't lose him cause I know he loves me but I have come across some articles online teaching the woman to hold onto a job as her hold on independence. Please talk to me. Thanks.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Why wouldn't your hubby want a dual income household? That's a red flag to me.

You wanna work, you should work. That's your right. It's also a VERY good idea, considering your husband to be's odd mindset about you working, for you to stay independent financially from him.

Many abusers (not saying he is, but this is worth keeping in mind - abusive people sometimes play the long con) will use financial control as a way to force someone to stay with them.

Keeping your own assets and independence not only helps keep you safe, but it sounds like it's important to you as a person. You're not only allowed to keep those qualities, but your partner should want to respect and protect those qualities as well.

To me, his behaviour is throwing off big red flags. It's worth a serious talk.

Sure, he loves you and he's lovely - now. The question should be "will this change once you tie the knot and stay home?". Will your life still be yours, or will he try to take it over?

It's worth having that serious talk and approaching it from a "hey, I really enjoy working and bringing in some income - even if it's not necessary, it'll make me happy" perspective. And ask what he'd want you to do during the day if you weren't working.

But I don't know. This gives me red flag vibes. Be careful.

[Gloree]

Thanks. I appreciate your advice

[Smoke-n-Growls]

My pleasure! I hope I'm wrong and he's just being protective and wanting to spoil you, but not realizing he's stepping on your rights.

Whatever happens, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a strong heart. You'll get through this.

[Gloree]

Thank you very much.

[sheikalana]

It really depends. He would have to give me a really good reason for me to quit my job. I fought a lot to have the career I have nowadays and I'm not willing to give it up just like that. I'm also not the type of person who aspires to do nothing in life and just sit in the house I like to keep myself busy and I like feeling useful and make my own money. If he wants me to quit he would have to give me an allowance similar but not less than the amount of money I make but I'm pretty sure I would feel very bored at some point.

[Nawlins34]

Listen, you're trying to have two things you can't have. This guy is pretty head-strong and will not relent.

Everyone talks about compromise, but both people should STILL be happy with the compromise. In this situation, the person who compromises loses.

He has a specific ideal about how is wife works in a marriage, which goes against yours. If you feel this strong enough about having a job to maintain your independence, you have to be willing to end this relationship with him.

What is YOUR default answer?

How do YOU genuinely feel about not working in a marriage and moving away? You need to know YOUR answer, because you shouldn't throw it away because of "an article saying otherwise".

It should be you already felt that way, the article confirmed a consensus and generally speaking, you don't like to depend on others.

If I'm describing you, then you already know what you HAVE to do.

Also remember, abusive husbands - most of them control the environment. The wife is moved to another town, away from friends and family. You'd only know him until you expand your social circle, it it's even allowed.

Make the decision that future you will be happy about.

Be safe and good luck.

[Gloree]

Thank you so much. This was very helpful

[jasco]

Look being independent by yourself is fine, but in a relationship. You gotta learn that you are no longer by yourself. You and another person are being made one. Every choice you make has to benefit hopefully not just your relationship but you. However their will be choices that you will not like but sometimes you have to make it for the sake your marriage. In your case you like working, guess you can work from home or work on your self and your home. Find ways to get that feeling you have from working into other things

[Lliam]

Compromise is a two way street. In this case, it sounds like he wants to dictate what she can and can't do.

[jasco]

While you are correct in that statement, I do see how she feels like she is being controlled. I wouldn’t know for sure. Honestly they both just need to sit and talk

[Lliam]

I want my wife to make her own decisions and do what makes her feel happy and fulfilled. Neither of us tries to control the other.

I gotta wonder why this guy thinks that what HE wants is best for YOU. That indicates lack of respect for you as a person. He should care what YOU want?

Doesn't he want you to have any independence?
Is he afraid of what you might do when your out of the house? If that's the case, he doesn't trust you but you're supposed to trust him. True love is base on mutual trust.

And what does he want you to do when you're not working, sit around and wait for him? Take care of him when he gets home from doing whatever?

I'm not assuming that he's a narcissist, but narcissists start out by treating their partners like the most amazing people in the world. Then they gradually isolate them, make them dependent, and become more and more critical and abusive.

Work can make a person feel useful and competent. It keeps your mind and body active and gives you purpose. It's also an opportunity to interact with others and have friends outside of home. It can be good for mental health.

So, I'd say, if you want to continue working, that's what you should do. And Mr. Bigshot should support your wishes.

[Moose304]

Let's play with some math. This is ONLY in the US. A good friend recently got remarried. His yearly income is a bit over $800,000 and after his deductions was still in the 37% tax bracket, then in the 35% once he got married. His now-wife at the time they got married was making about $36,000 a year and her after deductions was in the 12% bracket. After they got married they were filed as married. Her tax liability jumped from 12% to 35%. That went from close to $3500 a year to a little over $10,000. That would have worked out to about $125 a week extra JUST in Federal Taxes. In my situation, if I married a female making that kind of money because of the way my taxes are set up we would be forced to file as married. With that kind of tax liability, what is the purpose of continuing to work? The question was asked about a wealthy man. Most single men are not in that high of bracket. Most men I know are in the 22% bracket. These kinds of things have to be looked at. I can tell you now if I were to inform my attorney I was getting married after he recovered from the fainting would give me two things. A tax chart and a prenup agreement for her to sign.

[shaysh87]

A man who truly respects and love you will not force you to do anything that you do not want to do. He will understand that your happiness matters more than what he wants.

And honestly, I think you're a very very smart girl. Because when you are completely dependent on your husband, he will have a lot of control over you. If the house needs something, you will need his permission to buy it. If you want those really cute shoes and outfits, you will need to beg him for money. If he ever becomes abusive or if you ever get unhappy, you will likely never have the chance to divorce him because you can't survive on your own by yourself. If you spent 15 years being unemployed, all the skills you once had when you were young, are all long lost gone. You will not be appealing to any employer.

You have no idea how many men cheat on their stay home wives. He knows that she's unlikely to divorce him since she has no job prospects. So he thinks he can do whatever he wants.

[globetrotter22]

It’s tempting given the position he’s in to make it happen. But whether he is rich or not this YOUR choice not his.

Sometimes this makes sense if the woman is having kids. Being a Mother is a full time job in its own.

However your job is part of your identity. It should be a sense of pride. Also the money you earn can be used to buy whatever you want. That is also a feeling of pride.

Also the fact he is asking you to quit is a bad sign. He might be a control freak. I don’t want to disparage your fiancé but still this isn’t good. If you end up having kids its a different story though.

[WinterWaves]

Here's the thing
Do you really like your job or are you trying to do your job out of fear of security?
If you really like your job and are very passionate about what you do... under no circumstances you should leave the job

If you are doing the job out of fear of security even though you dont really like it... just to come off as "independent" ... I recommend relying on your husband a little bit

Take that time off to figure out what you would really enjoy doing and fuel your own passions... maybe you'll end up with an even more fulfilling job later

At the end of the day it's all about what works for you the best

[nice-girl]

I agree that if you have to relocate, you would have to leave your job, especially if he would be making more. But as I understand it from your question, he doesn't want you to find a new job in the new location. I think this should be your choice.
But don't think about independence. A woman should be emotionally independent, not financially, meaning that she shouldn't feel like she "can't live without him". If you leave your job and then break up with him, you can always find a job.
And most importantly, don't worry yourself for no reason about things that haven't even happened.

[nestokyo]

here's a great idea try and talking to him about it, you could try and doing some freelancing work? Ull be stay at home finding something you enjoy doing while also getting extra money on the side, me personally if a partner wanted me to quit because they were able to afford it I would, and I'd become a freelancer so I can at least do some stuff ya know, and honestly he can't stop you from that, if he won't let you do freelance work either then he's probably either over jealous, or over protector that doesn't want you at work meeting other guys, or going out with other guys, I've seen it happen plenty.

[Anonymous]

This is an ultimatum you were given.
It is often recommended to get rid of the one giving the ultimatum since there will be more where that came from. consider this as a threat you have received.
I strongly recommend against the forfeiture of your autonomy ( your money making abilities) since that opens up many attack vectors to you personally via financial domination and imagine not being able to escape abuse shall it occur. If you go down that path, i am unable to feel sorry even if i wanted to.

[exitseven]

This is something that needs to be settled before you get married. My wife has a good career and made as much money as I did but before we got married we decided that when we had kids , she would stay home with them and we would live on one salary. She stayed home for 11 years. It was hard and an extra paycheck would have been nice but we have no regrets.

[Gloree]

Thank you for sharing. This will help me a lot.

[jshm2]

Firstly, he's not your husband yet - and probably won't be for long if he does.

You are both separate personalities and not compatible, it seems. Either he's interested in your looks, or you his money, as there is no love, understanding or compassion and the other things that make a successful marriage work between you, it seems.

This alone tells me you're looking at a "Britney" marriage, which will last only as long as one of you figure this fact about the other. Save time and cost and cut things off now.

s for

[shaysh87]

i get the same feeling.

[Subarugirl]

That is something that should be discussed. Talk about why that is something he want's. Ultimately it is your choice and should not ask you to give up something you enjoy, that you are proud of, and that makes a beneficial contribution to the household.

[Anonymous]

High value men prefer women who take care of the home and kids. If that's not yur thing than you should find another man.

https://qz.com/work/1607995/most-men-in-the-top-1-of-us-earners-have-a-spouse-who-stays-home/

[ShakTreblat]

Depends on what the woman wants honestly. It’s not up to the husband to decide whether or not a woman should work just because he has money. A nice sentiment sure, but still not his choice.

[Anonymous]

From women I know personally keeping a job even with as small of a salary compared to their husband is a must for mental health.

Those who left theirs on their husband wish and not because they suddenly had kids to take care care of say even an adoring husband doesn't makeup for the judging looks you get and the lack of discussion topics with friends.

[Paul09]

And if you stopped working. What would you do? What would be the purpose of life?

[007kingifrit]

what a ridiculous question, as if the purpose of life is work

[Paul09]

@007kingifrit NO, I'm not saying that. But what will she do? Sit at home all day?

[Gloree]

Thank you. That's my worry

[Gloree]

Thanks. that's my worry

[007kingifrit]

well you won't do nothing you'll make friends at social parent gatherings or do volunteer work or housework alone is a full time job

[DermalPunch]

Home is yur natural feminine habitat. Women's minds have been poisoned and their nature has been corrupted. You need to pray about it.

[FilmGuy93]

Meh... I would want my wife to do whatever makes her happy. If she's only working because she think it makes our finances easier, but would rather stay home; I would want her to stay home.

[HoneyButterCup525]

I found a guy who didn't want me to work but also wanted me to have kids and I didn't want kids at all so I broke up with him, I'm fine with not working but having kids is a deal breaker and I can financial support myself..

[serious_miss419]

It’s not his choice what you choose to do.
End of discussion.

[globetrotter22]

It’s actually a red flag he’s demanding this. It would be a different story if there were kids to take care of. But this is a sign of a control freak.

[Anonymous]

Stop buying into feminist sh1t and worry about pleasing your man and yourself. If it's important to you, compromise. If you and he can't, then break up and save yourself the time and heartbreak.

[Moose304]

I don't think it is simple feminism when a female wants to continue to work. In a lot of marriages, these decisions are already made because they need two incomes to survive. However, these kinds of relationships fall outside the scope of the question. I was thinking about two women I know of that are married to Physicians and before they married were Nurses. Both are working as volunteers in a low income clinic near my home.