Husband 42M, not performing well in bed and it's driving me 30F nuts?

[Ariesgirl12]

My husband is a great guy and we have been married for 3 years, together 8. We have a 12 year age gap and I'm not sure if this is what influences his performance.

I have a very high sex drive and he just doesn't. He doesn't last long and can't do it more than 3x a week on a lucky month. I know he is not cheating and he's always been more work focused, but it just seems to get worse. The only way to get him really going, is to stay a week or 2, without any action then he'll start needing, but by that time, I've already lost my mind.

I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should bring this up considering in every other aspect he is the most peaceful and supporting man I know. We've had some chats about this and he just said he's always been like this and he'd try to do better. But he doesn't and I hate that I actually wish sometimes some other man would fill this part he doesn't. Help.

[slatyb]

Have you considered marriage counseling? It sounds like you have no children, so I see a few possibilities: 1. You accept this and find another way within the marriage to meet your needs. Is he open to things other than intercourse, like oral sex? He can do that without having to sustain an erection.
2. You remain married but have additional partners.
3. You effectively end the marriage by separating or divorcing.

[Ariesgirl12]

I wouldn't like to end the marriage over this as it feels frivolous comparing everything else that he is and that we have achieved. I think counseling might be the better option here. Thank you

[slatyb]

Sexual compatibility is an important part of marriage. Whatever has happened before, it doesn't outweigh the prospect of 30+ years of sexual frustration. Sometimes things seem good and then they aren't and we move on. The marriage itself is not a person with rights. Only two people matter, your husband and you, and he doesn't have veto power on your continued happiness.

[slatyb]

Has it always been like this?

[Ariesgirl12]

Mostly, he has never had a high libido, it's been a joke around his brothers and friends even when he was in his 20s. Always more focused on sports, work and other hobbies. Dating and physical needs were never high on his list until later years. When I met him, I did see a difference in libido but it was ok but this last year, as he turned 40, I've noticed it less and less, we've had talks about it and he claims it's all work related. That in the end of the day and weekends he just wants to rest. I try to brush it off considering everything, especially now that he got a new position at work.

[slatyb]

Is it possible that he's just not into women? My cousin married a closeted gay man when she was 19. Thirty years later she hired a private detective who observed him meeting men in the park for anonymous sex. I'm not saying that's happening for you.

[msc545]

@slatyb A physical cause for this needs to be ruled out first.

[slatyb]

@msc545 I agree -- it could be depression but it doesn't sound like it's a physical problem. I've been on antidepressants that suppressed my libido and it was extremely frustrating. If he's not motivated to change this, I doubt it's a physical problem. I wonder about his general health? Is he obese? A heavy smoker? Depressed? Any other health conditions?

[msc545]

@slatyb Actually, low testosterone will do all of the things you mentioned, including causing depression.

[msc545]

Have see an endocrinologist who specializes in men's health, specifically. NOT just any endocrinologist, as they are loathe to deal with these problems.

[Ariesgirl12]

Thank you!

[msc545]

This kind of problem can be an indication of other things, so have him also see his primary care physician as well.

[slatyb]

Does he want this to change, or is he just avoiding the subject?

[Avicenna]

Dress up in sexy lingerie and have him take some Horny Goat Weed

[MannMitAntworten]

Nah. It isn’t his age. It is his lack of interest in sex/sex drive. Get him to exercise. It will likely boost it a bit. A change in diet might also help too.

[Anonymous]

Most men are done by 42. It will only get worse from here.

[slatyb]

At 42 I was doing it twice a day. One Saturday my girlfriend and I did it four times. We only stopped to eat.

[Ariesgirl12]

@slatyb jealous!

[slatyb]

Anyway it's not most men unless you live in an area of poor health habits. A healthy 42-year-old man isn't much different from a healthy 22-year-old.

[BarryLiverstone]

Had he been to the doctor and gotten medically checked out recently?

[Ariesgirl12]

Yes and nothing appears wrong

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok that’s a start. So you know it’s not health related. Does he exercise and get quality sleep every night? Clearly you are staying healthy if your drive is high

[slatyb]

Does he have a normal testosterone level? Is he reasonably fit?

[Asgard356]

Does he watch porn? Because that can effect performance.

[Ariesgirl12]

No, I've tried, it doesn't appeal to him

[Asgard356]

You could try teasing him (without going into too much detail), guys love that and it makes them crazy horny

[jahaims]

You don't deserve him. Trash thinking about others when you have a perfectly good man that can't meet one need. Do you think he is thinking he wishes he had others when you don't meet all of his needs?

[Ariesgirl12]

I actually acknowledge all of that in case you ignored everything and it a nerve there? I'm asking for help, not a moral lecture on thoughts that I never turned into actions. And if he does think, then I'd let him, he is not forbidden to think or imagine, he is free to do so.

[Abdul17w]

looks like i must do the job for him, we can hit it 4 times a week

[Apple1996]

This is why you never get with older men

[Ariesman81]

NGL... I thought this was you

[Apple1996]

@Ariesman81 omg no you didn't lol

[Ariesman81]

You need a baby

[Ariesgirl12]

Lol i wish.

[zagor]

Have tried personal devices?

[Anonymous]

Viagra?

[Ariesgirl12]

As far as I've seen, it only works to hold an erection but there needs to be libido, which viagra doesn't help

[Opinion Owner]

There was a drink that a guy I used to talk to drank that helps with that , I can’t remember the name tho

[zombiewoof]

Are toys enough