Am I wrong for being disturbed by my husband's past?

[Anonymous]

Like he did tell me in the beginning of the relationship that he was a horrible person when it came to dating and some how I made him change just ways I am trying to process all of this new information that apparently each month on finding out and to be honest I would have liked finding out the whole lore behind him and honestly now I'm even questioning what the hell did I marry into and is actually making me question whether he's ready to have a kid or not like I knew that he was a fuckboy but I didn't think it was that bad that he would literally cheat on girlfriends and his ex-wife literally makes me question if he's actually going to be loyal in the marriage and to be honest makes me feel like I'm really nothing special I mean I am the second wife so I don't know what to think or what to do

Updates

9 mo

I think I said I do and yes to the ring way too soon I don't know I should have actually found more information about him sooner or I don't know if I made the right move marrying him and I'm scared to find out even more

[RavVid]

I don't think anybody is OK with being cheated on because relationships require substantial investment. In short you have reasons for concern.

Feminists criticize men as being insecure over high body counts. More realistically I'd say past performance is an indicator of future performance for both genders. If there is a history of casual sex than it would seem to indicate sexually based relationships are taken lightly by that person.

Those of us that take relationships seriously tend assume our partner does to but that isn't necessarily true.

People are capable of changing their spots but can also pretty quickly revert. Everybody is prone to resuming bad habits especially those that give dopamine hits.

You don't say how far into this marriage you are. It is not for me to say what you should do about it.

However I think you are right to have very serious concerns and I would not criticize you if you thought it best to end. As I said in an inverse case today where the girl was highly promiscuous and doing paid for sex it is really lying by omission to start disclosing the dirt after marriage. You had no ability to make a fully informed decision at the time when appropriate information was withheld.

Be wise.

[Clear_Skies10]

There's a saying I think it goes, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them the first time." If a person ever tells you that they're a horrible person, it's probably a good idea to be cautious or even avoid them.

[Asker]

I was and the first time we had this talk he said that he used to be like that but that I am different and even his friends have confirmed even his own family have confirmed that they don't know what happened but like ever since he actually has been with me that he has made a complete turn around and actually stopped being this s***** person he used to be and me based on that to be honest that inspired confidence to continue being with him and I mean I didn't know that okay like to be honest nowadays it is so normalized being a fuckboy and you know basically both men and women being party animals and their young days but there comes a point where it gets too much and unfortunately he was under that category of too much and now I'm finding out in further detail what exactly he did and what kind of stuff he would do and I'm just shocked so shocked that I feel like I want to vomit in my mouth but I really can't say no anymore to him cuz I'm married honestly if I would have known I would have said no I'm a person of chances probably put him to the test you know

[Clear_Skies10]

I guess it kinda depends if he learned anything from his past actions, and if feels bad about it or not. People can grow up and change for the better if they reflect on their behaviour, and realize the pain that they cause other people. Does it seem like he cares about being a better person? If so, it's possible that he might be good. If he isn't, then you know what kind of behavior to expect based on his past.

[Asker]

Well I think he did have a change of heart cuz I'm actually basing off what his people have said that he actually has been putting away that habits and bad behaviors and during our engagement process he actually was the one that said that he thinks that we both might need premarital counseling which we got and we addressed lots of stuff and overcame lots of stuff but I'm not going to lie knowing this information there's that little sliver of doubt still

[Screenwriter]

How long have you known your husband and how much older than you is he?

He may have changed his ways. This is possible. But his history sounds disturbing. How is it that you knew so few of these facts BEFORE you married?

I would suggest you two seek marriage counseling right now and discuss all this insecurity YOU feel facing these facts with the therapist in front of your partner.

It is BESt that your feelings are out in the open. Second marriages have a 70% chance of failure, because most people who are the in the No. 2 spot have done nothing to change from whatever they did wrong in their first marriage.

You need to hear and know everything so you can weigh if you need to exit this relationship now because of your discomfort level.

I too would be very worried. Good luck. Get thee to that therapist.

[NoDecision]

Too bad you took getting married to learn all this stuff? Fuckboy was the first red flag. What were you thinking? You said you didn't know it was that bad. How bad did it have to be for you to pack your bags. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Nikki1989]

His past behavior is not just a “lore”; it's a pattern of disrespect and betrayal. The fact that he was a self-proclaimed “horrible person” and cheated on his ex-wife is a huge red flag.

[Panthero80]

Talk to your priest, minister, or counselor.

[loveyouoak]

Maybe you could just focus on beign happy, or think about leaving if it's too much.

[Anonymous]

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