Was I wrong to defeat him?

[jenni]

I have a problem w/my boyfriend's ego. A few weeks ago I finished taking beginner level judo classes and earned my yellow belt. I really enjoyed the classes and found I was pretty good at it, even tho' I'm not really muscular (I'm tall, 5'9", but slender, and weigh about 125lbs)...plus I'm a pretty girly-looking girl..i wear my hair long and like dresses, etc., and I am considered a "looker."

Anyway, b/c of all this, my boyfriend didn't take my classes very seriously and when I told him I got my yellow belt he just laughed. A lot. And when he was done laughing, well, I was kinda mad and so I challenged him to a wrestling match.

We're the same height but has at least 40lbs on me, and he didn't want to do it at first but after I said 'your just afraid of losing to a girl' he was like, "OK, let me teach you a lesson'.

So we moved some furniture out of the way and we got going and he didn't try very hard at first, b/c he just didn't think he'd have to!

But then I tripped him w/a leg sweep and he went down on the floor, and I could see his face get all red and when he got back up he started trying really hard to beat me. Well, long story short, I kept using throws and leg sweeps to send him to the floor, and waited till he got really tired, and then when I could tell his strength was running out, I kept him down on the floor and after a fairly long struggle, I pinned him!

So I had a little laugh at his expense and said "I hope you learned YOUR lesson", but since then he hasn't let it go, and kept after me for a rematch, saying "I got lucky", etc...so last week I finally said "OK" to one more match b/c he wouldn't stop asking, and, yes, I beat him again.

Now he's TOTALLY bent out of shape and keeps trying for another match to prove he can beat me and I need help b/c I'm sick of his attitude!

Is this really such a blow to his ego??

Was I wrong to defeat him?

Should I just fake it and let him win? (I don't think I should have to)

I keep telling him it's just b/c I know judo and he doesn't but he's still

(also, when I suggested we take classes together so he could compete w/me better, he said "I don't need to know judo to beat a girl!" )

what should I do???

Updates

+1 y

Should I say to him "OK, if you still think you can beat me, how about we wrestle in front of our friends? " I bet he wouldn't want to risk losing in front of other people, so maybe that would get him to back off asking for a rematch?

Updates

+1 y

I did tell him the only way I'd agree was if we wrestled in front of a group of friends. no question about who won or whether he really tried or whatever. He refused. Too scared to lose to a girl in front of others. We've been 'on a break' for a while.

[ionlife]

Yes, it is a blow to any male ego when a girl literally beats you up. Now seeing that he is your boyfriend it shouldn't be so bad. He should be proud that he has a tough girl on his hands that will protect him in a time of need. :) Kidding. Hey, it is better to be beat by your girlfriend rather than a complete stranger.

You were not wrong to defeat him. You should not fake it - that is reserved for the bedroom, and you won't be able to rationalize it with him so no need to make excuses for him.

He on the other hand should let go of his pride and learn to laugh at matters and silly situations. Buy him a nice pink tutu, gift wrap it and give it to him but before he opens it tell him how sorry you felt for beating him and that you'd like to make amends with him.

If he opens the gift and does not laugh at it then he clearly has no sense of humor which is even worse than losing to a girl in my humble opinion.

[jenni]

He doesn't think it's funny--he really wants to beat me. I can understand why he's confused about losing to a pretty girl he outweighs by like 40 lbs. But he refuses to see that judo skills give me an advantage.

[ionlife]

Sounds like neither of you is willing to back down. As my parents used to say, "at least one individual has to show a bit more intellect so it may as well be you. " Ask yourself what you seek out of this challenge with him? If it is respect, tell him.

[DeanW]

I don't think he is the only one acting immaturely. You know discipline is a core principle of learning any martial art. And you failed miserably when presented with a test. I suggest you check with your sensei and inquire whether he thinks escalating aggression solves aggression.

Is it silly that he's upset? Is that wounded masculine pride? Sure, you can argue that. But you forgot your discipline as well, and that has surely taken a minor disagreement and made it into an issue. Past that, I think it is extremely unwise to introduce physical contests into your relationship. If you must compete, then play tennis. But trying to physically dominate one another will end badly.

You've forgotten a core principle of the martial arts, though perhaps you've learned a lesson as to why it is a principle.

[jenni]

I admit I let my anger get the best of me when I challenged him 1st time. he laughed at me & I was upset he didn't think I could do judo b/c I'm a girl. But I tried to talk him out of a rematch & he insisted--I've refused all his rematch challenges since.

[DeanW]

Good for you. He's being a knucklehead and you're better off taking the high road. Good luck with your training.

[hapa18]

YAY!!! Another girl who knows judo! W00t! haha sorry, I love martial arts especially judo. (so much fun) anyways, about your guy problem, tell him to get over it. You beat him fair and square, you didn't need luck, you had training. Don't fake a win for him because it really won't do any good. All that will do is boost his ego more than it should be. No offense but he is acting really immature and his disrespecting you. If he keeps challenging you to a rematch, then let him have it. Don't hold back and let him win, if he wants to learn the hard way (that a girl can beat him) let him learn. I hope the best for you.

[jenni]

Haha THANK YOU! So relieved to know another girl also into judo. You know exactly what I'm dealing with-did YOU ever defeat a guy in competition or even outside the dojo? Thanks 4 advice-I won't let him win & will take him on again if he insists!

[hapa18]

Ya. I beat some and got beaten by many, but I tended to stay near the guys who would teach me how to get better or accept defeat by a girl. I didn't want to deal with the sore losers.

[schmoopy]

That must have been a big blow to his ego. Losing not once but twice. If he doesn't grow out of it and admit the fact that he has a totally hot girlfriend who can also beat some serious ass when in need, I don't see this going anywhere, regardless of what you do. If anything, it might even get worse and more abusive for him to prove himself to you. The sooner you talk about it and get him to deal with it, the better :) Great job both on the belt and kicking his ass, twice...

[jenni]

Thanks for the compliment-I had to work hard to get my belt. I wish my BF was more supportive. Have you ever beaten a guy at something physical & had him react this way? I think he deserves to feel some embarrassment if he makes fun of a girl & then loses.

[Baby-Gurl]

Tell him that he needs to get over his ego he got beat by a girl so what it's not that big deal of a problem and I don't think that you should fake him a win either you won because you know judo this should just be an learning experience for him that he should have learned a long time ago boys aren't better than girls in everything.

[jenni]

Thank you ! :-)

[NotThere]

Obviously this is a guy with a fragile ego and who has a sad competitive spirit. If you don't find this a deal-breaker, try to turn the fight into something sexual (if the relationship is at that point; it doesn't have to lead to sex but possibly rough make-out and heavy-petting). The beauty of this wrestling is that it shouldn't be about leg-sweeps and defeating him like an opponent, but using the closeness of your bodies and having some pseudo rough-sex.

But this is only if he's a keeper. Otherwise, punch him in the solar plexus and find someone who will appreciate your ass-kicking skills.

[jenni]

Don't know if he'll go for that sexually--he seems so angry about losing he doesn't see the sex potential.

[Genesis5]

He needs to get over himself.

I don't think that you were wrong in anyway. After all, you were telling him how proud you were of yourself, and he started to laugh at you.

I would say that his was a serious blow to his ego b/c he obviously has serious self esteem issues. I wouldn't fake it and let him win, and I wouldn't apologize either.

Tell him that you are really good at Judo, that you would like him to join to b/c you think it would be great for the both of you, and also that you are sick of his crap. If he can't grow up and be a man about things, then how is he going to act later in your relationship? He may come around, and he might not. Either way though I wish you the best of luck.

Also, congrats on the yellow belt.

[wrestle4fun]

Wow, honestly, I much PREFER a woman who actually likes to tussle and will give it her all and can win! What’s the fun of the match if there’s no possibility the other person might come out on top! So no, if he challenged you, do your best to beat him and, if he can’t take it, then he shouldn’t have waned the match! Women who can really take you on are the greatest!

[cheweypuncher]

I dunno, defeat is tough for a lot (most? ) guys and it sounds like he's on the higher side of the competitiveness scale. The reality is that he's probably got some ego scars from this so repeatedly kicking his ass won't help, it'll probably just make him resent you when he fails to rationalize the situation by finding some way he's superior to you. I feel bad for the guy, but he shouldn't have laughed at you, he earned it by doing that.

[jenni]

I never would have challenged him to that first wrestling match if he hadn't been SUCH a jerk. He really was laughing and pointing at me, and was just asking for it but I didn't give him a hard time when I beat him I thought OK you know better now. But no.

[johnsmith2116]

What should you do? Maybe just let him defeat you, so that you can be done with the whole thing. Or break up with him and that ego of his. Your options are pretty limited on what you can do about it.

[Cuintan]

You are hitting my hot buttons! Maybe he's a closet submissive looking forward to having you trip him hip him flip him armbar and pin him. Floats my boat!

[SuperFlanker]

That's hot. haha. I've been bad. spank me ;) JK Honestly, that wouldn't bother me at all.

[jenni]

Ummmm......no thanks! I prefer a more competitive contest, anyway, and it sounds like you wouldn't provide much of a challenge ;-)

[SuperFlanker]

Oohh OUCH. ;) haha! are you saying I'm no fun?

[DeanW]

He's still harping on it? Goodness gracious. I think you are on the right track. Doesn't seem like he'll ever relent.

[aloysious]

Just hurt his pride and he can’t accept it. It’s not your problem and he should just get over it eventually

[Anonymous]

You were not wrong, some guys like to be pinned by a girl, I know I do ;)

[Anonymous]

Keep beating him. He might learn to like it, or maybe he already does. :)

[Jeter2]

Good for you. I hope you agree to it, beat him again and will post a recap. My male ego aside, he seems to deserve it.

[Jeter2]

Do you have an update on this? Did he challenge you again, and if so, how did it go?

[jenni]

He did but I told him the only way I'd agree was if we wrestled in front of a group of friends. no quest. about who won or whether he really tried or whatever. he refused. too scared to lose to a girl in front of others. We've been 'on a break' for a while. I told him to grow up & maybe we could try again. Saw him last week & he said he wants to get back together, but also said he's been working out a lot so he wants another shot at beating me. Tempted to accept to prove it's not about strength

[Jeter2]

I had forgotten about this post. Any further adventures?