The following is what I experience when in a manic episode. Where was I? I'm home, on my bed, clutching my Reptar doll (yes, the dinosaur from the Rugrats) close because in the moment it's the only thing that loves me. My room is lit, the walls blue, and the lavender candle burning on my nightstand make my room smell good. but even in all this, even in the silence, sitting on my bed, surround by walls of my favorite color, I'm at war. I'm at war with myself. I'm at war with my thoughts. I'm at war with my feelings. But mostly, I'm at war with my brain. I was given a brain that I feel doesn't work right. And I ask myself all the time why? I know I'll never truly have an answer to that question but that doesn't make me ask it any less.
What you're about to read is what I say during an episode. Actually, this is what I said in an episode I had only 5 minutes ago. Yes. Literally 5 minutes ago as of this Take made on March 6th, 2017 at 6:57pm EST. I type at around 90 wpm and decided to share with you the things I think, feel, and say when in the moment so I recorded every single word I uttered while losing my shit. Maybe this will help you understand what it's like to have a mental disorder. Maybe it will give a voice to those who also have a disorder. Whatever the outcome, my goal is to inform you that some demons will never go away. And they can haunt a person until their dying day.
Yes, it's jumbled. Yes, it's disorganized. Yes, there are spelling errors. You know why? Because that's how mental illness works.
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I don’t get it. I don’t understand. Why did get a brain that doesn’t work right? Nobody understands. I hate having bipolar. It’s so annoying. Nobody understands my pain. I always wonder what it’s like to be social and not awkward. What’s like having people that will answer the phone when you call? How does it feel to have people, friends that want to be around you? How do you change your mind to thinking more positive thoughts?
I hate that my brain doesn’t work. It’s not working. It hurts. It hurts so bad. And I can’t get anyone to understand me. I feel so alone. Nobody cares. I hate my brain. I want to fix it and I don’t know how. How do you fix something like this I don’t get it. I try to understand why I am the way I am and it’s one of those things that I’ll just never get the answer to. It interferes with my entire life. I can’t keep a job, I can’t have friends, I can’t handle being in large crowds, I have so much anger and anxiety and confusion boiling inside my head but I can’t tell anyone. I’m always the negative person. I frustrate everyone. Nobody can stand that I’m not normal.
I get asked why I act the way I do and I just don’t have an answer. I wish I did, but I don’t. And I’m scared to death that I’ll grow up and be miserable, sad, depressed, and alone. Nobody is going to love me. I can’t share my pain with anyone because they don’t believe me. They think I’m making it up and I just sometimes wish I could give someone my brain for a day so that they wouldn’t pass judgment. But unfortunately, the curse is mine to handle, to understand to deal with, and no matter how much I wish that someone cared, the truth is that they don’t.
I may never have a relationship. I may never be able to have kids. I may never be able to use the Bachelor’s degree that I spent nearly 5 years getting. I may never have a full time job. I hate that this is making me so worthless. I’m a useless person. I’m just a drain on society.
I don’t understand. My medication was supposed to fix me and it isn’t. Why is it not working? I thought I’d have more friends and be able to go out and be around people. I’m supposed to be happy so why is it not happening? This is so goddamn annoying and the fact that I don’t understand is just making me madder! This is so aggravating. It’s so aggravating. I’m the only person I know who gets so mad that they literally cannot see straight.
I get so annoyed and frustrated that I get a pain in the side of my head that is so bad sometimes I get dizzy. I bang my head on the wall hoping that it’ll make the racing thoughts stop but they’re not going anywhere. How the actual fuck am I taking all these medications is not a single one of those motherfuckers work? They’re supposed to fix me. I hate having to tell people I have Bipolar because I know, I see it, I know people think I’m crazy. They write me off as that crazy black bitch. I see it in their face. I see it in their eyes. They stare at me like some sort of circus freak. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m left with so many questions with no answers. Questions that I will never get the answer to.
Why doesn’t my brain work?
What can I do to fix myself?
And how do you fight something you can’t see?
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