So, we must've been together for longer than a few months if you're reading this- because I've finally decided to show you that part of myself which is safely locked away in a chest.
I must really care about you since I'm giving you the key to it and an opportunity to see what most of them haven't.
You must be pretty damn special to me and I must really trust you. Without any further ado, take a look inside of my chest. That is, if you dare.
"I'm strange. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Why? Because it's the way it's supposed to be. That's the only answer I have. Ever since I've known myself, I've always had difficulties fitting in. And it's not because I have pink hair or because I wear goth clothes (can you really imagine me with pink hair in a goth dress? That's what I thought) but because people realize that I'm not like them.
That I don't act, dress or talk to please anyone.
That I'm not loud enough.
That I hate parties.
That I like weird stuff (and I'm not afraid to show it).
That I pay attention to little details, which most of them seem to overlook.
That I sometimes get lost in my thoughts and come back to reality hours later.
I could list a couple more thousand things but I'm pretty sure you know all of them. Either way, people dislike what they don't understand. They get scared of the dark because they don't know what's in it. I guess that I'm like the dark- there's another reason why I'm saying this but we'll get to it later. Have I ever thought about changing myself, about turning the darkness into crystal clear light? Yes, but never have I acted upon it. I like to explore every possibility out there, so of course that thought tumbled through my head a few times.
I know that life would be a little less miserable if I did change and lose myself in the crowd... Actually, it only appears to be that way, but I know it's not. Not because I've tried it but because I've seen others do it and it's all sunshine and rainbows at first but when it all settles in, that's when the ugly side begins to show it's face. Sure, they're fitting into the crowd right now, but that's the problem- you just can't distinguish them from the rest of the crowd. Because they've lost their original self and their individuality.
They didn't respect themselves enough to be themselves. And they didn't love themselves enough to accept their individuality and their ideas because all that mattered to them was if someone else was gonna love them.
My life used to be difficult because of this- because I refused to change myself in order to be a part of that "fabulous" crowd. I faced a lot of criticism and social rejection but I don't regret it- the pain, the tears, the loneliness it brought upon me. I did walk alone and was sad and lonely but I love the glasses through which I'm viewing the world and it makes my world more colorful and I would never give that up.
I was given this gift of my beautiful self and I'm thankful that I am who I am even though I come with complications.
Here is the scary part- I'm gonna try to explain my darkness. It all started three years ago when a huge change happened in my life. It was like a hurricane, and it changed me, too. I didn't want to change but it just happened. What was that change?
It was like the flu- it was hard to get up every morning, I had little to no energy and I lost interest in pretty much everything. Hell, I almost lost myself in this (isn't it ironic?). I didn't enjoy life as much I did in the past, as matter of fact, I rarely felt joy- true genuine joy which makes you smile like a little kid and be worry free.
That's right, I was depressed. One might think that being depressed is one big flat emotional line but it's not. For me it was like a roller coaster with more downs than ups (pun intended). Most of the day I felt numb or sad and sometimes I would feel happy for a few amazing moments. Then I would realize that I was feeling happy and I would start to cry because, back then, happiness was a rare occurrence.
90% of the time I felt like I was dead on the inside. Like I wasn't living but just existing. That I had this big black fog around me and, no matter what I did, I couldn't find my way out of it. I was all alone in it and it was scary as hell. However, no matter how bad it was I've always had faith in myself that I'd overcome it one way or the other.
I had good days and I had bad days, but the bad ones would always outnumber the good ones. I tried reaching out to some people so they could maybe help me, but nobody believed me. I've already felt ashamed of myself because I've become a ghost of this amazing girl I'd used to know and I'd say it out loud and admit it that I'm just a weak human being.
That I'm overly sensitive and that I'm living life half heartedly. That I had to face the same demons every day and even if I've won the battle that day, they would come back tomorrow. That I was living in a constant cycle of numbness and sadness.
I can't really blame them for not believing me because I've done my best to deceive the world and make it believe that I don't cry myself to sleep every night.
I've faked "happy" every time I was with another human being.
Nobody believing that I was mentally ill which made it even worse. It made me feel even more alone. It made me want to harm myself. It made me want to end my life.
I had these "voices" in my head whispering bad things about me- that I'm not pretty/skinny/interesting enough and that I was never meant to fit in and that I would walk alone forever. Those voices caused many panic attacks and made me cry a billion times.
Instead of trying to kill my depression, I've embraced it as if it were an old friend. No, I didn't not give in or give up, I simply accepted the fact that this is my current mental state and that I need to deal with it. That I need to kill it with kindness before it killed me (literally). Because depression was a part of me, I needed to treat it that way. I started being gentle and kind with myself and did everything I could to get better- I worked out, changed my diet, took my meds, stopped isolating myself from other people and started getting out in the sun more often.
At first it seemed impossible, but I was getting better every day, piece by piece. It was like a puzzle being put together, that's how it felt like. And the most important lesson of all? I've learned how to appreciate. Every waking moment of my life. And the people who made me smile.
Being better sort of slowly crept upon me and there are no words to describe that feeling of freedom and relief. So, now you know that I've been through hell and back to get myself back. I don't regret it, not one bit because it made me the person that I am today.
So, if you ever catch me looking at you and smiling, know that it's because I'm thinking how wonderful and amazing you are. How it's wonderful and amazing to get to be yourself with someone like you. How you're one of those people who can make me smile just by being there. How I had to kiss a few frogs before I met you. How you were worth the wait.
How I truly appreciate you."
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
I am so happy I don't deal with girls like this.
Interesting