Today I will be writing about something a bit more personal, but I feel like this is a part of the healing process for me. And if this take can help anyone who's going through something even remotely similar, then I feel like it's been even more worth it. This can also work as an educational piece for anyone who doesn't suffer from or has had personal experience with any kind of mental illness.
The Panic Attack
To keep it simple, my life has been quite hectic on the inside for a few months now, without me even realizing it. I've been stressing quite a lot about my future and all the work I need to get done in order to graduate. And all of these feelings of stress and nervousness sort of culminated a couple of weeks ago during an unusually chaotic weekend. I was with my family at the cottage, writing out my very first serious job application. The deadline was very close as well. On top of that, my dad had been showing some strange symptoms of some sort of unidentified illness, so I was worried about that too.
On the day we were supposed to get back to the city, I felt tired after barely having slept at all, I'd had maybe a bit too much strong coffee, and my dad was sort of freaking me out. In the car on the way back, all of my feelings sort of climaxed and I ended up having my very first panic attack. My heart started racing, I had trouble breathing, my hands felt numb and I could barely concentrate on anything. I thought I was having a heart attack because my heart was going crazy. And the worst part was that it seemingly came out of nowhere. We had to pull over so that I could get some fresh air.
Of course I was quite shaken up by the whole ordeal. Panic attacks drain a lot of your energy, and there's not really anything you can do but wait it out and try to regain control over your breathing. The thing I learned is that basically, what happens in your brain, is that you go into "fight or flight" mode. Blood rushes to your vital organs to keep you protected from any harm, which is why I felt a numbness in my hands and my heart was racing. But the problem with a lot of panic attacks today, is that the threat usually isn't something physical. It's not something as obvious as a lion charging at you. They can be triggered by various "normal" things such as stress, significant loss and life transitions or changes. Likewise they can be triggered by some more deeply rooted mental health issues as well, but for this take I will only be touching on my experience, which is related to stress and my life changing.
Almost immediately I started digging through why I got the panic attack and quickly came to the conclusion that it was related to some well disguised stress, fear for my dad's health, and being on edge after not sleeping well. My dad went to the hospital immediately and it turned out it was just a fever (lol) and I was able to calm down. I was still a bit shaken by the whole ordeal but thought that that was going to be it, but I was wrong.
The next day went fine, I still felt a bit off but I thought I was just recovering from the shock of it all. But in the evening, when I was alone in my apartment watching a youtube video about how mozzarella is made (totally random, I know), my heart started racing again and I got quite freaked out. I don't think it was a full-blown panic attack, but I was very close to getting one. I immediately called my parents and they told me to pack my bags, and that they'd pick me up and drive me to their place.
The Anxiety
The following days were truly hell for me. My body was extremely tense. I felt weak and exhausted. I could barely eat anything because my stomach felt so tight, which resulted in me feeling even more weak. The only way I can describe it is that it felt like I had run a marathon and then immediately fallen ill with the flu, but without any actual symptoms of the flu, only weakness and loss of appetite. I could barely stand up or walk because I was so tense. I couldn't relax or concentrate on anything else but how shitty I was feeling. It almost felt like an insane amount of nervousness, as if I had 100 massive exams in front of me and I only had one day to finish them all.
So for 3 or 4 days I felt like absolute shit, and the worst part was that I didn't even really know why. That's why dealing with mental illness is so hard. Because when you have a fever or the flu, you'll feel extremely weak and probably be uncomfortable to some degree. But you know for sure that you'll get better in a few days, that your body will bounce back and you'll be your normal self again. But with the amount of anxiety I was feeling, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to take myself out of it. It wasn't my body fighting off some kind of bacteria. It was my body fighting against myself. I wanted desperately to be able to sleep, to eat, to walk, to relax, to feel like myself again. But it was like my body wasn't letting me.
I was having anxiety attacks, that I do consider to be quite different from panic attacks. My heart didn't start racing, but my breathing would become exaggerated and irregular, kinda like hyperventilating but without feeling like I couldn't breathe. I'd start crying for no apparent reason. I'd fall into a downward spiral of feeling more and more shitty, crying harder and harder because of it. And like a panic attack, it would soon enough start to fade and I'd be able to calm myself down a little bit. But the feelings of exhaustion and everything being absolutely shitty remained.
Getting Help
Of course my first step to getting help was when I told my parents that I wasn't feeling too good, and then being able to let all of these feelings out when I stayed at their place. I didn't hold back or try to pretend that I felt good - that would literally have been impossible for me. But then my mom noticed that things weren't getting better. I kept having trouble relaxing, eating and doing normal things, so she booked an immediate appointment for me at a therapist.
It's actually kinda crazy how well things went at the therapist. She helped me so much in just one session that it's almost unbelievable. I was scared that we weren't going to match well because I always hear stories about people struggling to find a therapist that works for them, but we just hit it off immediately. I'm not going to go into detail about what we talked about or what she said, but in a nutshell she gave me the proper tools for me to deal with my anxiety and recommended some foods that would be easy for me to eat.
I got a gym membership at the same gym my mom works out at. Which is feels weird but really good at the same time, because I haven't been working out in years. So I've been going to some classes with her, which has been a lot of fun. One thing that's been helping me quite a lot with my anxiety is to simply find distractions and routines. As of right now I don't have a whole lot of routines, because I'm in that weird stage where I'm trying to wrap up all of my schoolwork and I'm stuck with lots of loose ends that I have to puzzle together. So not only is working out something that works as a (healthy) distraction, but it's also something definite that I can look forward to every week.
I've started trying new things. I'm drinking tea nowadays even though I used to be a firm believer in tea basically being hot grass water. But it actually has a calming effect on me, it gives me the same kind of warmth that coffee would give me, but without the kick of caffeine that could potentially make my anxiety worse. I meditate every day. The key to calming down your anxiety is breathing. An app called Headspace has really helped me quite a lot with learning how to meditate, controlling my breathing and focusing on my body and the way I feel.
I don't think I'd be this much better now if it weren't for the fact that I was 100% open with my parents and the people around me about not feeling well. I wrapped up my therapy in just 2 sessions, and during the second session she told me that I looked and seemed like a completely different person, from the wreck that I was during my first session. So I cannot stress enough that getting help is so incredibly important, and that the sooner you get help, the sooner you'll get better. Especially when it comes to something so chaotic as anxiety and panic attacks - it's really easy for these things to become chronic and for you to get stuck in this sort of downward spiral.
If you were sick with some sort of illness and you needed antibiotics to get rid of it, I'm sure you wouldn't hesitate to go to the doctor asap so that you could get better. In the same way, you shouldn't hesitate to go to therapy in order to sort out any horrible feelings that you're feeling. Even reaching out to a friend or a family member is better than trying to deal with it alone. Having people help you and understand you goes a really long way.
Where I Am Now
It's been nearly 3 weeks since my panic attack and every day is getting a little bit better, a little bit easier to handle. I'm learning how to control my anxiety through breathing and routines. There have been a couple of close calls where my heart started pounding, but every time I've been able to get myself out of it with the tools I've gotten through therapy and the exercises I've learned. I'm still a little bit scared that things will get out of hand again, but at least I know what to do know, so I'm prepared. My anxiety has taken the form of feeling a little bit tight in the chest area pretty much constantly. But I'm learning how to live with it and all the things I mentioned above are helping me get my mind off of it.
It's been quite a life change in and of itself, even though my panic attack and anxiety were because of my life changing. It's pretty ironic in that sense. But I'll keep working on feeling better, and hopefully soon enough my anxiety will be completely gone.
If you are dealing with any issues at all in your life, whether they're similar to mine or not, I hope you realize that you're not alone, and that you can and should get help. It doesn't make you weak, nobody will think that you're a bad person or that you're wasting their time. You're worth feeling good and happy, you're worth feeling like yourself. Getting help makes you strong.
Thank you for reading, I hope you found it insightful.
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