The past week and a half, I've been on a trip with my cousin, who I'm very close with. But as most of us who have traveled already know, being trapped with someone for an extended period of time, no matter how much you love them, can be an absolute fucking nightmare.
I want to make a disclaimer that I love my cousin dearly, and I am not claiming to be a perfect person at all. Nor is this take only about her but many people I've known and examples I've seen over time.
I've realized in the past few months that I have difficulties tolerating insecure people. I'm insecure, and you are too, and if you swear up and down that you aren't...you definitely are (I'll come back to this). Being insecure is perfectly okay and human. Everyone has things they're sensitive about and maybe weaken their self-esteem some. But some people are just so painfully insecure that it just spews out of them to the point where it makes others not even want to be in their presence. These are the people I'm talking about.
So, here are a few things that I observe as traits of insecurity that really "grind my gears" so to speak.
Warning: This take does contain ranting. These are things that bother me personally and not all of these actions are automatic results of insecurity.
-One Uppers
I just...it makes me annoyed to even think about it. I know a lot of one uppers and I just.....I don't understand the objective. What do you gain? My own sister got up in arms with me once because she wanted to prove how much worse her eyesight was than mine, what does it matter? WE BOTH CAN'T SEE. I even agreed that hers was worse, to begin with. Another time, I was suffering from a painful kidney infection, and she brought up how her broken ankle injury from 10 years ago was probably worse. I'm sorry, I can't be uncomfortable because you were uncomfortable once.
Going off of that, people who just have to be THE BEST (or the worst?) at everything. If you have to overcompensate by using hyperbole for every skill, trait and passion you have, maybe you're not that intense about it. You can't be a master of everything. You can't be number one ALL of the time. Share the limelight, sweetie.
-Extremely Competitive
I know this will hit a nerve because most people who are competitive take a lot of pride in being competitive, but I often take competitive people as insecure. Now, I didn't say always. If you're trying to go pro one day, or it's your livelihood, I get it. I have a few things I like to prove myself in too, which is normal. Although, there are those who are constantly looking for an opportunity to show off. Racing to get the front seat, tic tac toe, anything, you name it, they have to win. I won't even bother to be playful with them, because it always turns into a sore winner situation. Why gloat if you get what you wanted? But if you say anything about it, you're a "sore loser". We are all going to die one day, no one is going to talk about how awesome you were at kickball in gym class at your funeral. Please, save the victory dance.
-Soft, subtle brags
I notice this a lot amongst my female friends. We all know women have a reputation of being catty so maybe that is why. But I always internally chuckle at girls or people who have to humbly brag that "Ugh, Brian hit me up again" or "Devon always likes my pictures, hehe I don't know why". It's one thing to think anyone cares, it's another to pretend you don't know why. I get it if someone else mentions that person, that totally makes sense, but poor you, you got attention, whatever will you do? Oh, I know, announce to all your female friends to see if they care or are jealous. The best part is when their facial expression just goes to disappointment when everyone else mentions that the same person also slides into their DMs weekly and they are not special. I know that sounds bitter but I have my reasons.
I have had several female friends add unnecessary tension to our relationship because of this competitive attitude. Girls whose moods completely switch and go full mating ritual because a guy walked into the room and they spend the rest of the time trying to get his attention before he notices anyone else, especially not you. When the whole night was supposed to be about catching up. They'll try to cut you out of the conversation, they'll start giggling all stupid, and they'll probably try to one-up you too. I don't know about y'all, but I value my friends more than some guy who walks into a crappy party we are at that we will never talk to again. If you want him to pay more attention to you, be more interesting, stop flipping your hair so much and tell him about yourself instead. I'm not a threat, calm down.
-They always think you're talking about them
This is just prime insecurity and narcissism. I don't really feel like this needs an example. Just people who will try to make something about them when it wasn't about them but they just assume everyone is always talking about them. But hey, if the shoe fits...
Example:
Someone: I don't like when people post a bunch of videos of the concert they're at, enjoy the show!
Insecure person: I don't even do that, it was just that concert like a year ago
Someone:...I just meant, like in general...
-Defensive AF
No one wants to be friends with the person they have to walk on eggshells to talk to. You can say one little thing, not even trying to be negative towards them at all and they completely come at you sideways. "Well you *insert a bad habit you have* all of the time!", or something you did in poor taste that's unrelated to what you've said to them. I'll admit if what they've said is true, but why are you picking on me out of the blue? This isn't even about me.
You can't really repair the issues in the relationship because of how they retaliate. Just trying to talk is not an option, because they can't handle criticism (because they're already their own worse critic), even in the most gentle of ways. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting attacked. It really is like trying to help a hurt animal that keeps trying to bite you. You want to help, you understand why they're trying to bite you, but also, fuck that bitch. They're on their own.
Telling everyone how much you don't care
This one really gets me. Nothing screams "I care way too much" like constantly saying "I don't give a fuck." I just think it's such an ironic phrase. If you give so little fucks, why are you telling people? I realize context matters. Like "I don't give a fuck what color toothbrush the dentist gives me". That's one thing. But "I don't give a fuck what people think about me", that alone, sounds like you care because you want people to think you don't care. If it's true, it will speak for itself.
And again hypocritical, but I do think it's good to not let what others think dictate what you want to do. Yet, all the time I talk to people who aren't dressing how they want or doing what they want because they're afraid of what others will think and say, they may not say it, but that's the reason. It's because they care what people think. I'm not criticizing caring, I'm criticizing the lie that is "I don't give a fuck". Saying that will not change the fact that you do and seldom are you fooling anyone.
I've had people say "I like you, you don't care what people think." But I always have, but people didn't ever think of me from telling them that I didn't worry about how others view me. You either care or you don't. We all give somewhat of a fuck. And that's fine. I really admire people who can admit it too. Not worrying about it is something that takes time, and self-reflection, which again, is admirable to me, that's cool. You can never please everyone. But I really think acceptance will set you free.
Honorable Mentions (well, they started that way)
-Bringing up negative traits about others (especially around others specifically strangers)
As an attempt to make them look bad for seriously no reason, just to give themselves the upper hand. An example, while discussing the fact that we are both artists, and showing a new friend our work, my cousin told them how I made fun of her art as children, I'm talking like 8 years old to make me look bad.
-Incapable of sharing attention
I mean, attention whores. Duh. I admit I can be hypocritical here, but I try my hardest to share the space. But some people never get tired of soaking up every bit of attention they can get. And if they aren't getting enough (in their eyes) they totally lash out or separate themselves completely.
Others don't want you to leave them or have more friends than them.
-Throwing pity parties
That friend who does things that will obviously only end poorly, end up in a shit situation, and then wonder "why me?". All just for the lesson not to sink in whatsoever and do it again anyway. Or a friend who lashes out at their loved ones to the point where no one wants to help them anymore because it's takes so much energy, and then they wallow about how alone they are. If you push everyone away, you're going to be alone because you've led people to think that's what you want.
-Stealing Your Thunder
This is where the saying "grow in silence" really comes in handy. I never really understood it until I realized some people really just don't want others around them to succeed. Everyone feels pressure to be successful but some people can't handle the jealousy. That being said, you can't have anything to yourself, because as soon as you find something that you're passionate about people what you to share. If you're looking into making YouTube videos, soon a friend you mentioned it to is getting into too. Trying to sell your artwork? Another friend is doing it too now. You may have no ownership of those activities or be able to control what others do, but what you show others can affect their choices. Some people want a piece of what you have, instead of being happy for you and your progress. Just keep that in mind.
-Putting You Down Just For The Hell of It
I mean, just outright bullying, sometimes they mask it as a joke but they totally just go right for things they know that you're insecure about. Because they feel insecure, they want to bring to down others with them. Good friends don't hurt and embarrass each other for fun. Jokes are okay, but boundaries need to exist. In all seriousness, this is really toxic behavior. If you do this, you need to seriously sit yourself down and work on it, because it's just a shitty, horrible way to treat people, and no one is ever going to like you that way. No one wants to hang out with people who make them feel like shit. You know what feels good? Making others feel good. All bringing people down does is bring more negativity your way. Talk to someone. I mean that, you need to work on it.
If you know someone like this, while they'll probably be defensive, try to tell them if you really care about them because people seldom act that way unless they're hurting themselves, but if it's too much you aren't obligated to be friends with someone whose constantly tearing you down. Get out if you have to.
Lastly, I'll admit to being a hypocrite because I've done all of these things before, and you probably have done many too. No one is perfect. But it's things I've grown out of and work not to do as part of working on myself. I plan on writing another take about my insecurities and how I've grown through them, and the new ones I face. Insecure isn't a dirty word, but I find one of the best ways of working with your insecurities is facing them directly and taking steps to correct them. This isn't an attack on anyone.
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