I'll start off with a picture of West Yellowstone at Sunrise because this take is going to get dark.
Its something I can't tell people in polite society, depending on who hears I guess they'll either be insulted because they feel as though I'm mocking their loss or they'll be afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I don't always feel like this but today I saw the post of someone with Cancer, someone about my age and someone who will likely die. Yes I know its tragic but on some level I envy them.
Yeah I know its fucked up, its fucked up to be jealous of someone who will likely waste away and die within 2 years, who won't live to be 30. I know that and I get why people would be insulted of scared for me.
But I'm not mocking anyone and I'm not going to hurt myself, I applied for 5 jobs in the last 2 days, haven't heard back yet but I'm trying, My Hygiene is vastly improved, hell I'm exercising and dieting, I'm trying to live but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm miserable, I'm lonely and I see no future.
I'm not sure if it happened like this but there was a moment I was certain I was going to drown in the deep end of my pool, I must have been 7 or 8 years old so my memory and perception of the incident might not be what exactly happened.
The house has an inground pool, we had pool parties a lot in the summer and before I could truly swim I used to either use those stupid boogie boards in the deep end or shimmy along the pool edge with my hands. I was doing the latter like a dumbass kid, That was the day my hands slipped. I know no one noticed me but I flailed for dear life trying desperately to get ahold of the edge and pull up so I could breathe. I'm not sure how long I did that, it could have been anywhere from ten seconds to a couple of minutes but my guess is this took about 45 seconds, the barely surfacing to gasp a breath in between slipping under, my hands reaching out to the rim but I finally managed to grab edge of the pool, when I pulled myself up, I shimmied back and exited the pool, I don't know what happened after and its been so long and it was traumatic for a 7-8 year old so I don't know if it actually happened like I remember, but there was a second where I was certain I was going to drown.
But that's what it feels like right now, the struggle, a desperate grasp for anything that could save me and being certain you are going to lose.
Only this case its not water that I'm losing a battle with, its depression, and its not a pool edge I'm grasping for, its anything to improve my situation and its like no matter how hard I am trying I can't seem to grasp the edge of the figurative pool.
So its horrible but I envy the person who gets a way out, Cancer is horrible but I would trade places with that person in an instant because at least then the drowning would stop.
Its not fair that I can't die, I'm not allowed even though I can't see a future but someone else who without cancer would have a shot at a decent life dies young.
I'd like to end on a piece of a Robert Frost Poem