Its an odd and possibly insulting thing to be jealous of but I can't help it sometimes.

[Waffles731]

I'll start off with a picture of West Yellowstone at Sunrise because this take is going to get dark.

Its something I can't tell people in polite society, depending on who hears I guess they'll either be insulted because they feel as though I'm mocking their loss or they'll be afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I don't always feel like this but today I saw the post of someone with Cancer, someone about my age and someone who will likely die. Yes I know its tragic but on some level I envy them.

Yeah I know its fucked up, its fucked up to be jealous of someone who will likely waste away and die within 2 years, who won't live to be 30. I know that and I get why people would be insulted of scared for me.

But I'm not mocking anyone and I'm not going to hurt myself, I applied for 5 jobs in the last 2 days, haven't heard back yet but I'm trying, My Hygiene is vastly improved, hell I'm exercising and dieting, I'm trying to live but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm miserable, I'm lonely and I see no future.

I'm not sure if it happened like this but there was a moment I was certain I was going to drown in the deep end of my pool, I must have been 7 or 8 years old so my memory and perception of the incident might not be what exactly happened.

The house has an inground pool, we had pool parties a lot in the summer and before I could truly swim I used to either use those stupid boogie boards in the deep end or shimmy along the pool edge with my hands. I was doing the latter like a dumbass kid, That was the day my hands slipped. I know no one noticed me but I flailed for dear life trying desperately to get ahold of the edge and pull up so I could breathe. I'm not sure how long I did that, it could have been anywhere from ten seconds to a couple of minutes but my guess is this took about 45 seconds, the barely surfacing to gasp a breath in between slipping under, my hands reaching out to the rim but I finally managed to grab edge of the pool, when I pulled myself up, I shimmied back and exited the pool, I don't know what happened after and its been so long and it was traumatic for a 7-8 year old so I don't know if it actually happened like I remember, but there was a second where I was certain I was going to drown.

But that's what it feels like right now, the struggle, a desperate grasp for anything that could save me and being certain you are going to lose.

Only this case its not water that I'm losing a battle with, its depression, and its not a pool edge I'm grasping for, its anything to improve my situation and its like no matter how hard I am trying I can't seem to grasp the edge of the figurative pool.

So its horrible but I envy the person who gets a way out, Cancer is horrible but I would trade places with that person in an instant because at least then the drowning would stop.

Its not fair that I can't die, I'm not allowed even though I can't see a future but someone else who without cancer would have a shot at a decent life dies young.

I'd like to end on a piece of a Robert Frost Poem

[JudgmentDay]

Death rarely comes quick, easy and painless or with the least amount of suffering. You either keep going and learn to live with lifelong battle with depression as many other people that also have it or you'd go into a much darker place like some people that couldn't handle and take it anymore and end their own life. You're constantly suffering and feeling miserable and unhappy so what you said about chronic depression with constant feelings of despair and futility sounds just about right on how it feels like drowning except not physically drowning.

by the way did you finish school yet? If so, are you in lots of debt from student loans? I've been through the same issues looking for and applying any job for months and mostly received nothing back from employers. I absolutes hated silent rejection from employers. The very few that even bothered to respond back made it clear they rejected my application and would not even bother to interview me or hire me. By the time I did get a job I also feel trapped and unhappy on a regular daily basis doing something that I don't really enjoy nor find desirable. But I did what I had to because we all got to pay our bills, rent, etc. and be able to feed ourselves to survive. It's either that or take chances being jobless for long term and run the risks of being evicted and become homeless living on streets or a shelter.

[Raym0nd]

It is a dark, cruel and miserable world we live in. And sadly, seems to only be deteriorating.
I am experiencing the same struggle in my life. Lonely, with little to no prospects of a future. When ever I am asked about hurting myself I always answer
"I don't Want to die, but I don't feel like I have anything to live for". I feel like the season plays into it quite a bit. We are all struggling and I am hopeful that when this winter finally passes, the light and warmth of spring will bring new hope for a brighter future. Thank you for sharing. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

[1love2hearts]

Thank you for sharing. This incident of the pool must have been pretty intense. There could be things in life that subconsciously bring back the moment with out you being aware and makes that feeling come back. Into struggle with depression. It's incredible they way you remember the details of an incident so young and good thing you even remember that to describe how your feeling now. Lovely ending as well. Only thing I can offer is a book that helped me and that someone told me life could be better for real in ways you can't even imagine right now. All I have to say it that's true for me things can get batter... and I have been through deep struggle. With a chronic illness that almost made me kill myself, with a divorce that struck me harder than I ever thought possible. with loss of people I loved and with financial burden and with hard everyday struggles. It can get better. I feel you

[fireprooflife8181]

I know struggles I'm living on the streets of Salem Oregon we keep getting woke up at 6 am to move because of the city the put use some were one day then they say we have two weeks there then they come a nd say you got to move

[1love2hearts]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I have been homeless before it can be freeing but it can also be a very lonely road. Have you tried Walmart parking lots you got to move every so often but you don't get harassed.

[fireprooflife8181]

Yea I have no car

[ChronicThinker]

I'm not the best at this, but I've felt dark at times. I've felt like it was all meaningless. Of course, not to the extent you clearly do.

I'd say enter therapy but if I recall you already do. I wish I could say something to instil all of this hope in you but all I can say is: it can get better. It may not be everything you planned for it to be, but it doesn't have to for life to be worth it. You can be happy one day, you can have things you want, and I am positive there are people who's lives are enriched by you.

Sorry. I suck at this.

[DorkVader]

Please talk to a therapist and get some medicine. Consider the things that make you happy and actively pursue them. The only expectations you have to meet in life are your own, so meet and exceed them! You're here and alive, your life has meaning and value. So find your thing, and quit courting death. He'll find you when it's time.

[Supernatural_fanatic]

How long has this been going on and was there anything that triggered it? I know saying sorry you feel like this means nothing but I really am and would gladly take away the pain if I could somehow :/

[1truekhaleesi]

I'm sorry you feel this way. Earlier this week, I remember thinking about how I wish I could feel nothing. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today because I'm fighting for my life.

[goaded]

Sorry you're feeling down, Waffles. One day at a time.

What are the jobs you've applied for?

[Waffles731]

Just whatever y'know

[goaded]

OK. Good luck. Have you tried for President, yet?

[Waffles731]

even if I was elected, I am ineligible for president because I'm currently 11 years too young.

You have to be at least 35 to be president

[brkninpcs70]

I too feel as you do, all of my life. I am now 49 and am struggling as I type but I am still struggling. All I can tell you is that I tell myself it would not be fair to the ones that care for us. No it's not fair to think the way we do, especially when you know someone else would have a happy life if given that chance. But still I go on, watching the unfair way life is taken from those who would benefit from what I feel is a waist of mine.

[zagor]

Don't assume that it has to always be that way. I went through a spell of severe depression in my 20's and thought there was no way out of the rut I was in, but things can get better.

[Burtonfan]

Waffles. For what its worth that frost poem made my day and yeah I feel it too.
So you helped my soul today.

[MackToday]

How interesting this is in a way. As if the universe chooses to play with us somehow. We don't get to expect anything in this life, even death it seems.

[AC_Slayer]

Stop fuckin' whining all the time you little bitch. You're the most annoying motherfucker on this entire forum.

[Manuel2]

It is some answers you get to your questions. Hopefully good but rarely

[Vickleve]

God is cruel, bias, and unmerciful. Earth is hell with all of us fighting for a little pieces of heaven to keep us going.

[MadBoy]

... You're not alone with those thoughts.

[mirratomyra]

Do cause God was a jealous God

[Waffles731]

What?

[fireprooflife8181]

I think it comes to when you like someone

[Waffles731]

Huh?

[Luiiiiiii]

Everyone has it tough no need to be jealous

[SecretGardenBlood65]

Good take

[Ely12435]

Omg I love you