Oi! Howdy fellow facades of the internet! How's yer day eh? Cool beans... or is it hot beans? We eat beans hot but say cool beans as a good thing. Anyways, its nine in the afternoon for me and every night I do this li'l thing called a mind dump where I just write down everything on my mind to calm me down. You see, I'm quite obsessive and ruminative(Cause of my ADHD) as anyone else is sometimes and I just need to write things down to get it out of me. Sadly, for most of my life, I did not do this and my sleep was even worse than it is now. SO! Why am I writing here instead of the digital google doc I've been using with thousands of hours spent on, not including all the unreadable scramblings in my old analog mind dump journal? Well, I just wanted to see what y'all thought! I've never shown anyone my mind dump stuff but I thought 'Why not now?'. Tonight's ramblings seem to mostly revolve around my sister, ya see, she's got depression and I love her very much(Not that way you dingus!) so I have actually had times in my life where I have been so worried about her that I kinda got some temporary depression myself(Like, I legit took antidepressants, I'm hopeless)! So here's myTake on depression(the 'Big Sad') and a little about how writing helps and probably some other things as well, ya never know with my mind dumps, but ile try to stay on track ok? Oh, and pleas excuse any stray Oi, n't, or n'. I'm from Texas an' I text wit' an accent but I'm tryin' t' not have it leak through too much eh? So please enjoy or ignore my ramblings and have a good day eh?
My mind often races about the events of today and my anxieties of the future as usual but a few years ago I changed that. I started a mind dump that saved me from my own inefficient circling thoughts that I could not catch up with. Something about writing just seems to let you let go of thought for a while, just long enough to get to sleep. I think everyone should write more, just to get things off their mind so they can catalog it and think about the thought later. I know that when I started this not only did I get more sleep, but I found patterns in the way I think and have been able to counter the inefficient ones with strategies to help calm my mind. Im not going to lie to you though, I am not an efficient person as of yet. Right now It would be hypocritical of me to say because of my extremely disorganized and smelly room, or my terrible work ethic and procrastination, but I try.
About four years ago my sister attempted suicide. Dont worry, she is 20 now; happy and healthy. But back then were hard times with mean girls and misunderstanding parents. To be honest, I really wanna rant about how mean those girls were and how terribly my parents and other adults took the situation, but I won't, 'cause it's personal and I've already written it down. Just know that girls are mean to each other and adults aren't perfect. While she was in the hospital, I wrote her a letter that I still regard to this day as one of my favorite pieces of literature that I've ever written. Sadly, I do not have the original, but a edited version I made about a year ago. It is not addressed to my sister, but all those teenagers and all people like her, like me, and mabey like you. Traped by your own thoughts at night about the past, present, future and just darn misery as a whole. I consider this my first mind dump, one of many.
Here it is.
"For the ones sulking in their beds; It's Amazing
Right now, you may be in your bed. Right now it is probably late and you should have been asleep. Right now you may be thinking of excuses as to why. Right now your mind might be racing about tomorrow or the events of today, the anxiety of the future or embarrassment of the past.
Yesterday you worried about today, and today ended the same way, each ending like this. But right now, we’re gonna change that; don't worry, everything is ok, it's going to be ok and it is ok. The proof is in the fact that you can read this, you have electricity, the internet, and the sort. Just breath. For now, let your troubles run off your shoulders because, in the end, our lives rise from trials to eventual success.
That is not to say that competition and risky speculation is bad, but sometimes we need to calm down, let our conscious relax and take a break from harsh reality. Especially our unreasonable and unrealistic view of reality we often have at times like this. Especially at times like this, when you need to sleep or take a nap. Productiveness sometimes needs the kickstart of stress, and that's ok. Pressure makes diamonds.
Competition both spawns from and breeds comparison. Comparison is the killer of happiness, whether that means you compare your abilities, assets and life to others or even your weaknesses and liabilities. Don't do that, no-one has their life together'. That's not how life works. How life tends to work is we think we have our life together, then get humbled by things not accounted for. Competition encourages productiveness and progression, but can also be a catalyst for sadness especially as the distortion of reality by social media makes others lives seem so much better.
If you are sad x% of the time and happy x% of the time, that does not mean you have an x % chance of being sad forever. It just means you have been sad x% of that time, and that includes this very moment, and that's ok; because let me tell ya something about my favorite word ‘Was’.
Because misery was.
"Was" is an amazing word. It Implies past tense. The pattern of tense continues; Am, will be, was, and am again. First, accepting your sadness, saying "I am sad and that's ok" because that's just proof that your human, it gives you something to compare your ups too, so that we may know happiness by falling. Then, knowing or at least being hopeful for better, that things will be better, which sometimes needs a plan, and that's hard but I know you can do it. Then "Was", being able to honestly say "I was sad" or whatever your problems are. And finally, back to am again, whether that means "I am happy", "I am better", or even "I am sad and that's ok" again. Have a positive paradigm, and if you can't then find someone who lifts you up higher than you could ever imagine.
Something all of us must realize is that all good things come to an end, it comes back again to trudging through a sucky mabey self-hating sort of lifestyle, but like said before, misery was, and it comes back up. A Lot of getting through life is learning how to go up and down and getting used to that. Sadly enough, that's how it is, I ain't gonna lie it's only gonna get worse, but it will also get better. As long as you keep moving, not idle, things get better and worse, even if it's just a little bit, but the better it is worth the worse you go through.
You ever do something hard and realize years later "that was not that hard"? I think the lot of us all going through life will be thinking that later. Because misery is not permanent.
The only consistency is inconsistency. And that is good, despite uncertainty.
The fact that inconsistency is constant is the very most important thing in reality. If everything was constant that would imply no time. Or, if everyone was the same and felt the same and did the same; if everything was the same, that would imply no agency. Uncertainty implies a chance to change and that's the point of life in my eyes.
Improvement and progression, even if that means degression.
That is Amazing"- Yamahoo(Im trying to stay anon)
Ya know, I heard of people saying that happiness is a choice, and then people mentioning depression, as if to excuse people with depression from choice. Anyone that challenges your agency is often wrong in my opinion. Im not saying those people that say that depression is an exception is wrong, but that depression just makes it harder, not impossible.
Before I go, something else that I want to talk about is dopamine and relative enjoyment. My whole life I've struggled to focus, especially on things I'm not interested in(Spanish class). For a while now, my mind dumps helped a lot on the racing mind part, but something else is their too that I'm unsure if its related to my ADHD or not. Its enjoyment. Not just focusing but being filled with joyful wonder as I'm fascinated with a topic. I've always been so full of wonder and wanting to learn things, but as I've specialized my interests I've found things that I have such a hard time focusing on(Spanish Class). I recently found something called a dopamine cleanses, its when to abstain from alcohol, sex, drugs, gaming, talking to others, going online and other things you like. I've already been doing this with short bursts of writing every day! but lately I've been trying to do it more and I'm seeing results. Of course, there is skepticism, it does not work for a lot of people. For all I know its not related to dopamine but just pure comparison... Funny how that works eh? Comparison is the killer of happiness remember? It just makes ya realize how important relation is I guess.
Sorry, this was so all over the place. So! what do you think! Wanna try a mind dump journal? What do you think of myTake on the 'Big Sad'?
Thanks for reading! This was close too 10000 letters so I'm grateful you read it.
As I finish this it is 10:30 and I've got online school tomorrow so ide better get to bed, but know that even if you didn't read this you still helped me sleep just by existing in that you use the internet and now I can rest easy knowing that at least one of my rantings is open for people to criticize.