If you're new here there's plenty of reading material to get caught up before reading:
A Look Into My Childhood (Long Read and not for the feint of heart)
My life Part 2: a history of bad love Part 1 or 2
My Life Part 2: A History Of Bad Love Part 2 of 2: a compromise on Faith
Yes I named the title of this one correctly it will become apparent later. But before I begin there are some critics here who think me posting my life story is to seek sympathy. NO it's to get people to stop judging others and reflect on how and why they jump to conclusions about people for their mistakes without EVER having walked in their shoes or lived their lives. You know who you are! The same people calling me a "cry baby" but also say "I'd have become a serial killer". Yeah I didn't go that route but some of you clearly would be that WEAK and at the same time criticize me for not wanting to hurt other people. You know who you are! And we know you've lived cushy, nice lives. Guess what? Not everyone gets that roll of the dice. So instead of coming at me or the people on this site who went through some real hard and twisted s*** you need to check yourselves!
After Kristin: Time just kind of went slow after the break up with Kristin and all I could do was just focus on my work. I worked my way up from Cashier to Produce Manager and just tried to not focus on Kristin anymore even though we were now in a closer proximity then ever. She was in the Bakery now and Produce and bakery shared a back room together and we always had to walk passed each other. I suffered her in silence as I went about trying to be the best I could at my job. Nothing major happened for about a year and then my whole world would just turn into hell. A hell that affects me more now than my whole childhood ever could. At least I think that's the case but I'm not a damn shrink or something....
The phone call: One day I am working and I'm just trying to mind my own business and I'm actually having a good day. I'm interacting with customers and I'm just trying to make people smile as is the usual for me. I get a call to the front desk. The lady up front, Pattie (sweet woman) told me my dad was on the phone and wanted to talk to me. Usually dad only called me at work if he had something good to tell me so I went to the phone with a smile and happy to hear from him.
"He dad how's it going?" *a long pause ensues* "Hey Tom Listen, I'm at the Doctor's office." The first thing I'm thinking is my dad didn't have an appointment today, he was working. He then continues, "they said they don't want me leaving the doctor's office. They're getting me an ambulance now. They say it's my heart.....I'm not doing well." Listen folks....I love my dad A LOT. He was all I had left in this world that I could count on. We had lived together alone since my parents divorced. My dad was a great man and he was always there to make sure I was fed and clothed and never wanted for anything. I'm 22 and this is it, my dad, my job, nothing more. Things were about to spiral out of control for the worst.
The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back: I leave the store to go get ready to meet my father at the hospital. I had to walk a few miles home and get ahold of my friend. I was shaking so badly, my arms, my legs, everything. I had almost no control over my body at this point. I get to my friends house and let him know what's going on. He's shocked as well to hear the news and agrees to drive me. Before we get to the hospital I told him I just really needed a stiff drink and smokes. He understood and we headed over to the liquor store where I picked up a pint of E&J, 2 shots of Jeremiah Weed Lemonade, and some Marlboro Reds. My friend looks at me visibly concerned. I'm struggling to open the car door and get in the seat. I immediately light a smoke and bust open both shots of the JW, open the bottle and start puffing and drinking like a mad man.
My friend asked me if I was okay and all's I could say was, "Not now." So we headed over to the hospital and it was a bit of a drive and traffic was pretty rough. Nothing more was said in that ride. I told him to turn off the radio and just open the windows. Everything was dead silent and the tension was high. I finish all the alcohol and smoked 5 or 6 cigs before we got out. I was drunk, no question about that. I was shaking so badly I struggled to get to the elevator. We get to the Heartcare Center and I check in. A doctor who had been treating my father came out to me and broke the news. "Listen you need to know that your father came to us in very serious condition. If he had arrived 2 hours later he wouldn't be here right now. We lost him four times on the table. We attempted to bring him back three times and we were going to throw in the towel. But I decided to try one more time and he pulled through."
Before he could continue I mentally just broke. My dad had died. He was brought back but he died. He died four times while I was on the way to the hospital. That's when everything just finally hit me. My whole life finally came and just hit me in the mind, in my heart. I let out a loud roar as I felt a horrible pain in my chest. With my right hand I grab at my heart and fall face first onto the ground. Screaming, crying, roaring, yelling, I'm hysterical. I can't control myself anymore, my emotions, my body, my mind, I'd finally broke. I was finally shattered into a million pieces. The Doctor yelled for nurses and doctors to come help him. They try talking to me, I see their mouths moving but I dont heart words.
The doctors can't calm me down and my BMP are now at 152, dangerously high. In order to stop and prevent me from having a heart attack they stabilize me with two shots of morphine. Eventually they have me calm and I myself am in the ER. They said they were going to tell my dad what had happened. I wasn't able to speak, just nod and the Doctor left. Eventually I would get discharged but my father would spend the next 3 weeks in the heart treatment center. During this time we weren't sure he was going to make it and he had more close calls. This day changed my life forever and I was never the same after this day. But it was worse because my panic attacks continued the whole time and it wasn't one a day or every few days....I was having these violent attacks 5 or more times per day.
No Hope Left: I had lost control of my body. I couldn't cope anymore with anything. I had no control over my limbs half the time, I couldnt control my emotions, my blood pressure was through the roof, and I was have crippling and debilitating anxiety attacks so bad I would fall to the floor, unable to stand or move and just cry out for help begging that I wasn't going to die. This happened at work three times and eventually they just had to cut me loose. Here I was at 22 with my life going down the tube before my eyes. I wasn't ever going to find a woman, no woman wants a guy without a job and money. And that meant no wife, which meant no children, which meant I was going to have no love and no one there for me.
My life's dream, shattered. What point was there to keep going anymore? I can't live along like that. I need a good woman, I need that......SO BADLY in my life. I sat in my bedroom crying while dad was in the hospital and felt that my life was going to feel nothing but misery and loneliness. I went to my bed stand and pulled out my Rossi R351 Revolver and swung the cylinder opened and placed a 135 grain speer gold dot in it and closer it. I started crying so hard. I cocked the hammer and put the barrel in my mouth and my index finger on the trigger and closed my eyes begging God to just let me go. Let me have the strength to just pull the trigger and forgive me for taking my life.
I clear my mind and slowly put more pressure around the grip of the gun and get ready to pull the trigger. I just start to think about he bullet entering my brain and it being over with. I sit there like this for what feels like an eternity. But then immense guilt enters my mind. Dad....he's in the Hospital all alone and he's clinging to life. What would happen if I killed myself now? Would I be killing my own father? Would the grief be too much for his weak heart. I beg God, "please just me go, let me pull the trigger pleeease!" I start crying so hard. How could I be so selfish and do this to my dad?
So I just sat their and took the gun out of my mouth and just cried so hard. Not sure what I was even doing anymore. Who am I? Why am I even here? Why did you allow me to be born? I began to curse at God and just cry on my hands and knees. Everything was just going to hell. We were going to lose our house, we had no place to go and were about to be on the streets, dad was still in the hospital and the doctors said I couldnt go back to work.
The Cocktail From Hell: Dad and I had to leave the state, downsize everything. When he got out of the hospital he had 3 weeks worth of stays he was going to have to pay off and neither of us could work anymore. I began going to therapy for about 2 years, which by the way was completely useless. Therapy doesn't work, it never has for me. The only thing they could actually do was give me lots of pills. I ended up taking FIVE pills with 3mgs of Clonazepam throughout the day as well. I had the worst case of panic disorder and anxiety anyone had seen at the 3 hospitals I would eventually have to stay at to stabilize my heart again from the stress. Eventually they got the cocktail from hell right and the drugs were the only thing I had to cope. But I was so doped up I wasn't even the same person anymore.
Eventually the drugs and the issues I had were becoming such a tax on my mental health that old friends who loved me wanted nothing more to do with me. I don't blame them it was my fault this was happening. No one could recognize the man I had become. So bitter, so angry, so quick to fly off the handle, so confrontational, I was toxic as hell! But eventually the person I was....was gone. One year became two, two years became three, I was a complete shit in and had nothing left...All's I had left was my dad and some people on FB I barely talked to. One of them would see my posts and start messaging me....
On My Terms I think: I get a message from Kristin. She asks how I was doing and I told her what was going on. She acted like she cared and maybe somewhere deep down she did on some level....maybe. Here I am not at 26 years old having spent 4 years as a complete shut in and barely able to bring myself to go out in public. I can barely bring myself to sit in a car for a 3 mile drive, so I sure as hell can't get behind a wheel. I took her back...I was alone, what else did I have? She told me she was sorry for everything and now that she was a bit older she was mature enough to have learned how selfish she was.
Normally I'd advise against giving a cheater a second change but I was at my lowest by this point in my life. So when she asks if she can come over the next day I agree to it. She said she was going to bring some nice blankets and a few Disney movies to watch and we could cuddle like we used to. I told her I would like that. When she finally gets to my place and I open up she gives me the deepest hug I'd felt. But at the same time I wasn't sure how I felt. My emotions were all over the place at this point. But I hugged her back and then we walked up the steps and went straight to my room. Dad was in his room relaxing and I dont think he really knew she was there or just didn't care.
Understandably dad was not a fan of Kristin. He didn't like what she did to me, he didn't like that she was a witch, he hated that she had adorned herself with pagan tattoos, I mean dad was raised a traditional Catholic. So I really didn't want to bug him with Kristin. So we get to my room and I let her in first and then I close and lock the door. She puts her blankets down on my bed and shows me that she brought Beauty and the Beast and Lion King and asked which one I wanted to watch. I told her I didn't care but she was kind of insistent about it. She knew that my childhood favorite was Lion King so she handed it to me and I went to go put the disc in. I didn and then turned back around to see she had placed her panties on my bed.
I looked at her but I think I was pretty expressionless or maybe a bit annoyed. She told me she wanted to make me feel better and knew I was in pain for a long time. I said I wasn't sure and she just told me to come sit with her on the bed so I did so. Then she talked to me about everything in detail and that she wasn't the same girl anymore and that she knew she wanted me and not the other guys. I didn't believe her but chose to play along because well....I had no one else. Then she undid her bra and looked me in the eyes and I just asked why. She said because she felt sorry about what she did and what I was going through now and it she wanted to make me feel good by taking my virginity and helping me become a man.
She asked if I wanted to and I said I didn't know. She said it was going to be alright and she leaned in and kissed me the same way she did all those years ago as she put her hand over mine. A wave of emotions came flooding back to me from all that time ago. I felt alive again for the first time in years and she then guided my hand to her breast and told me it was time. I said I just wasn't ready yet but she said that I had been ready for a long time and just didn't realize it. This was something that was necessary and that I badly needed to . Still uncertain she began to stroke me until she got me to where she needed me to be. She then laid back and told me to.
It was a bit awkward for me and everything felt out of place, stressful, and just rushed. I remember not putting it in the right place and she helped me out and told me to relax. It wasn't right for a 26 year old man to still be a virgin (yes i know i was raped as a child but that doesn't mean anything I didn't consent). Eventually she got me to penetrate her and she wrapped her legs around me as I began to trust. It wasn't what I expected it to be. The only brief moment of satisfaction I felt was when she put her arms on my shoulders. I dont know why but that just set off a chain of good feeling emotions. But only briefly....
As she started to moan and closed her eyes I began to ask myself why I was doing this. Why was I here, in this situation, right now? Why am I having sex with someone that I know I don't love and I know doesn't really love me. Have I fallen so far? Have I abandoned God? Has He abandoned me? Is this all sex is? This mindless f'ing? This isn't what I envisioned my first time being. This isn't what I wanted or needed. I then began to cry and she stopped moaning and looked at me unexpectedly. I stopped thrusting and I just cried over her so hard and just got up from the bed and told her that I was sorry but I couldn't do this and that it was sick and wrong and I wish it never happened.
How far had I fallen? This wasn't what my grandfather strived to teach me about. This wasn't the love I needed to hold and never let go of. This was empty, meaningless, sex. I let no only myself down but I left my grandparents in heaven down. Who was I? What was I? Am I just beyond redemption? I asked her to leave so she got dressed and asked if I would at least walk her to the door so I did. She turned around and tried to kiss me but I just pulled by, shook my head, and turned away in disgust. She just tried to smile a little and bowed her head and turned around and got in her car. She waved to me and then I closed the door. We didn't talk again after that until 2 months later when she posted pics online....of her wedding day. Kristin.....was engaged.....this whole goddamn time while doing this. I felt even worse after that. I felt used! I felt SICK! How? Why?
I confronted her about this online and she admitted she as keeping it from me. She wanted to have her children by me while the husband knew NOTHING about it! I asked her why and she said she basically fancied me and thought I was a good man. She wanted the kids to have my height, eyes, and long dark hair. I am 6'3, I am broadly built, I do have a full head of strong hair and by contrast her no husband was a bald guy who stood at about 5'6. I wanted answers! She told me I was "her rock" and she felt comfort in me.
I told her she had her husband for that! That's when she said she's always wanted me.....but I just didn't have the resources so she married this guy but wanted to be mind. I told her "I'm a Christian! I believe in the sanctity of marriage! You're married now, your husband is your rock. Go find comfort in him now! You are DEAD TO ME! DO NOT EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN FOR ANYTHING!" This even would complete a cycle of hatred I would have for women going forward. I'm so thankful that one day I would find the light and my days of negatively viewing women would end. I wish it never was a thing for me! I wish I had been strong enough to never let this happen but I wasn't and I failed. I want to leave a last little quote below as a last message to the people hating on me and the "non-virgins" out there because it's dedicated to you who talked so my **** about all the people I know who aren't virgins, who I love and respect.
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