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What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.

This was inspired by Dizzy's MyTake here. I won't go that exact route, though. I've spent about 26 days thinking about writing this; ever since November 6th. And every single time, it comes out as a jumbled mess of random thoughts and ideas. After twenty-six days, I'm just going to say "fuck it" and release it as it. I don't expect, nor do I really even want, anyone to read this. It's just things I needed to say. And since I have another MyTake I've been saving to publish on a Notepad file, I'm just going to publish this random jumble of thoughts as is.

The first thing people seem to notice about me, on the outside, unfortunately is that everything about my physical appearance is mediocre/negative. Well, I guess I should translate that for you. To me, the worst thing possible that a human being could be, is what you would likely refer to as "average." Disposable, easily replaceable, forgettable, worthless. Common and without value. It's a concept I despise among humanity. Objects can be described in that way, but describing a human life as insignificant, really offends me. And yet people do it to me often. Describe me as worthless. I despise it, but I've learned not to respect people like this anymore.

So, the first thing you might notice about me is how "average" I look, according to everyday people who are just as bad. I'd never describe myself, or others, as being so valueless, but speaking with the words of someone else, you could say I am "average" in looks, 5 out of 10, "average" height, 180 cm, "average" job for someone in their mid 30s, and "average" overall appearance. Literally not a single positive or noteworthy thing about my physical appearance, whatsoever. To me, I'd make me look at myself in disgust if I considered myself to be those things. But to you, I'd merely be "forgettable looking."

And sure, I could dye my hair blue and get a bunch of face piercings and crap, but that's not me, and nothing about that is "original," "positive," or "special" anyway. But regardless, I fucking despise being seen as worthless and forgettable. Useless trash. Or whatever other terms you could use to describe something insignificant and without value.

What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.

Second thing you'd probably notice about me is, I seem quiet. You may even think I'm shy, given the negative physical first impression. However, I'm not shy. I just don't really talk to people who don't interest me. It may sound "mean" but I think most people come off as selfish, boring, or both. Especially after I just described how negatively they look at me. Regardless, I don't like small talk. Generally, I avoid talking to people if all they can say to me are predictable things about themselves or things that aren't making me learn anything about them. Narcissitic or boring stuff people talk about every day. I can usually tell right away if someone is engaging or if they're "average."

Because of these two things, I am someone who doesn't fit in, in society. Obviously. I'm looked at as dogshit and worthless on the outside. And alien and inhuman, on the inside. And while the former may have some "truth" to it, as much as I despise being worthless, the latter definitely has truth to it. If it's not obvious by now, I don't think like other people do. My brain is just different. I'm not saying "better" at all. But different, for sure. I have standards. I care about things. I always want a better life and situation than what came before it.

That's why having such a shitty, worthless body, with such a brain that's the total opposite of that, infuriates me. It makes me despise my physical appearance, especially the height. That mark of being genetically worthless and valueless, pisses me off the most, because it's often the only thing a man needs to be treated well in society. Physical power. Physically weak men don't get anything, unless they're billionaires. Money is the only thing to offset not having physical strength. Personally to me though, I don't consider wealth to have true power. What good is a Zimbabwe billionaire in New York?

Some of this is just scratching the surface, though. Let me describe who I truly am. I'd consider myself a great thinker. A visionary. A world changer. And I really couldn't care less who believes that or not. I don't expect people, let alone people who'd happily describe themselves as "average," to believe a word I say here. I have nothing to prove to anyone, on that regard. However, I haven't been given the opportunities to really shine due to the rough upbringing and lack of income I endured.

Ever since I was young, I was aware of the world around me. The injustice of it all. I come from a broken home with an abusive mother who never loved me. Not that that's rare or anything. But I learned at an early age, six or seven, that life was very unfair. I also stopped believing in God around that age because I could see the unfairness all around me and knew no loving deity could allow this happen all day, every day, all around the world. Being a witness to brutality and suffering when you could stop it, would make you just as guilty. So, you could say my home life wasn't very good.

However, where I did excel at, was school. Granted, I grew up dirt poor in West Philadelphia, near 52nd and Lancaster. Legitimate 'hood territory, regardless if "you've seen worse." (It's not a contest.) I had a sh*tty upbringing and didn't luck out in having good parents. Never even knew my father. But in school, I had the power to control my fate, somewhat. I excelled at academics. First, I impressed teachers. Then, I impressed students by promising to help them with their schoolwork in exchange for companionship. I was a superstar in grade school. And although my actual neighborhood was bad, I went to school near a border, meaning the students themselves weren't as poor as I was and the school wasn't as ghetto as my neighborhood. Not exactly a big fish in a small pond.

The whole point is, since I was young, I've always been very ambitious and driven, and wanted to change the world around me for the better. But try and try as I might, that never happened. Many of my own situations did not improve. And although I had the drive, the intelligence, and the game-plan to make things seriously better, I lacked the influence on society. I was not someone anyone took seriously by the time I *technically* became an "adult." When I was younger, people saw me as kind of tall and athletic and strong. But as an adult, I had nothing. People looked at me as being worthless and invisible, even if you could have someone else say the same things I said, verbatim, and they'd get a standing ovation because of it.

What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.

To use an old archetype, I'd be like the old skilled master at something who no one notices or cared about because he never rose to success of prominence. Or if he did, that was a long time ago, and he's since become a has-been and relegated to averageness and forgotten about. However, the old master still has skills that are unprecedented and beyond those around them. Even if they're seen as a joke by others and never given gratitude. That's what I ended up spending my 20s doing. I'd work at businesses, rise them up in value and workload, and then get fired or quit for some stupid reason because I was never given credit or thanks for improving a business or leaving it better than it was before I got there. I think only in one academy here in Korea has that not been the case due to simply being new.

I could talk all day about how utterly depressing it is to me that I ended up genetically fucking worthless, aka "average," and that THAT is what has prevented me from making things better in the world around me. How I'm seen by someone as genetic trash and a human being with objectively no social value. It and the height thing are tied together. That's why I'd rather be 5'2" than the shitty height that I am now, which is technically "taller" but still an F, all the same. At least being 5'2" would be special and come with its own set of "super-short guy" perks. However, being 'commonly short' is two negatives in one: useless and "weak," in one. There's literally no positives to being a genetically disposable human being. And that's without defects.

Some people are "broken" in other ways, like sickle cell or Down's syndrome. I'd 100% give my life up if it meant I could heal humanity and make it to where no one ever had to be born with these issues ever again. Both genetically worthless DNA, and mutations and medical conditions. Even for things like a micro-penis (which I almost also have, as well). No one should EVER have to suffer having a "broken" body due to their DNA. It's insane we still live in a world like this, even in the 2020s. I should be able to go to a doctor and fix my shitty height and genetics, if I wanted to. Pay him a few thousand dollars and walk out 6'5", physically powerful, and all fixed. Everyone should be able to do that. And yet, we live in a world where billionaires would rather fuck you out of the few dimes you have left, than fund scientific breakthroughs to fix the human body, cure cancer, eliminate all diseases and health conditions, and everything else.

What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.

I'm not sure how many people can understand what it means to have such great ideas (that have later gone on to work, but by other people who came up with them long after I did), but dismissed because you're seen as trash and you're not high enough on the socioeconomic ladder for those to take you seriously. It's not like I'm asking for respect out of nothing. What I'd want is, a platform to be heard. To be given a CHANCE to improve this fucked up society we live in that hates meritocracy, but loves ass-kissing, social status, the physically gifted, and having people fail upwards.

So if I seem unhappy, then that's why. I used to have potential for something in life. But now, I'm just... A disposable flesh-bag amongst this already-bad species. I don't know if anyone else can understand what that means to be genetically useless; a scientifically worthless human being. Not even good enough to use as stem cells, like all those aborted babies women produce every day. At least, those go to helping people who need them. But to me, it means life doesn't matter anymore. I'll literally never have what I want. I'll never achieve my hopes and dreams, including a loving partner. I'll never be the strong, powerful person, soldier, and squad leader I always wanted to be. NOTHING matters. You'd think I'd become a psychopath by now, then. But no. Just because I was born defective - "average" - doesn't mean I have to adapt that same horrible mindset, as well.

I tend to use analogies and similes a lot. So I'd compare myself to a star. Stars usually have their normal life span, then become red giants, then white dwarfs. Only, I never even got the rise of the red giant stage. I went straight from yellow to white dwarf... By the time I was fucking ten years old! So I've been a white dwarf for 25 years now. Only I didn't realize it until 17 years ago. And I didn't stop fighting it until 5 years ago.

What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.

And yeah, there ARE people who succeed despite the circumstances of their birth. Stephen Hawking, for example. However, I am no Stephen Hawking. I'll never be THAT intelligent. I'm smart. He's a super-genius. And on the physical side, you have guys like Bruce Lee, Mike Tyson, and Conor McGregor, who are all tiny men and would otherwise be seen as "average" and worthless, as well. Once again, I am not one of the "best in the world" to be on the level of Bruce-fucking-Lee. I'm also not wealthy like Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg either, who are both 5'7" weaklings any little girl could beat up and bully.

The thing all these people have in common are: They had to be among the greatest in the world to escape the gravity of being mediocre and worthless. Like, they had their ONE thing, they were the best in the world at, and that was enough to make them be taken seriously in society, rather than ignored and forgotten about by the masses. They were SO GREAT at their one thing, they finally started to get taken seriously, and started to change the world (although you can argue how much "better" they are making things). And I believe their mindset is what helped them escape all that. I wish I had an actual loving family and love, of any kind, growing up too, if I had to at least be a shitty, genetically worthless human being.

What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.

Because I didn't have the luxury of being born with any meaningful physical traits to inspire others with, like being tall, and because I am not as intelligent as I WISH I could be, like the Einsteins and Hawkings of the world, and instead, just a shitty, worthless "Jack of All Trades, but Master of None," it doesn't leave me with much to aspire to, in this world. Even still, some good people on this site made me realize a few things.

1) Humanity is, and likely always will be, a species filled with idiots. And I don't mean that to be mean, but look around you. Look at how fucked up and shitty society is. I feel like shit for not being taken seriously by these people. As much as I try to do my part and help make this shitty society less shitty, I get ignored because I'm not one of the tall Beautiful People, or one of the rich elitists. What kind of a fucked up society is that? Where pieces of shit like Demi Lovato or Kevin Spacey are given more respect than any doctor, defense lawyer, or dedicated teacher?

2) The older I get, the more I realize that not fitting into society is a good thing. Society made this stupid-ass rules that being famous and rich is all that matters and being nameless makes you worthless trash, aka average. Most of my life, I felt anger and regret for not being able to play this rigged game, let alone win it. For being a fucking short-shit that women don't want because "a man needs to be taller than me in my five-inch platform heels." I mean, on a human level, it can feel like shit for never being "good enough" for women, and never being enough of a "tall, handsome, elite Alpha Male" type of man for anyone to listen to your ideas or take you seriously or not treat like average. Even if they manage to steal your ideas and make themselves money off them. But this society IS shit. And as much as I used to want to "change the system from within," I realize I'll never be able to do that. And even if I did, who's to say I wouldn't turn my back on the bigger picture and just revel in fame and luxury? The reason I so strongly want a better world is BECAUSE I've lived through all the shit and emotional pain of it. Been rejected by women most of my life, and told I was shit in their eyes. Been ignored by peers and dismissed as not having anything of value to give them (until someone who "looks the part" says the same thing). So maybe it's just best to...

3) It's best to just give up on society (for the most part). I've always wanted a better world, for both myself and everyone else. But if I can't even be seen as fucking worthy of love due to being too short for women, then why even bother with this fucking world to begin with? Perhaps, that's the hardest thing for me to accept. That it's time to just let things turn to ruin and watch the collapse of Western civilization to wokeness and Chinese communism. To just watch the world burn, instead of trying to do your part to save it all. There's no guarantee I'd succeed with changing anything. But I at least wanted a shot to fix something. To make this average world something that matters. To where people can genuinely be happy, without needing to be part of the financial 1% and genetically superior in order to "matter" to everyone else.

I mean, I am a teacher right now. And I do try my best with my students. Even if I feel like there's no future for them and I am just giving them hope and optimism for a dark future ahead that humanity can't escape. It's not my job to blackpill students, though. That would make me an average teacher. So I help them by giving them the optimism, hope, and support I was never given. I may not be able to matter to society, and people may see me as average even though I know I'm anything but worthless. But I can still at least do what I can, even if it means nothing. What else can I do?

What goes through my head, if you sat down and got to know me.
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